w/in & w/out

Within & Without 

An Exploration in Sobriety    

Salutations!

So! Today completes a year of sobriety. I wanted to share some reflections on that, this past year, and general life stuff in today's post.

I will offer a vulnerable disclaimer here- I do not consider myself an alcoholic. I realize this is kinda a subjective thing, for example my mom does consider me one. I am totally comfortable with my relationship with the substances I frequent and realize this can be a fraught topic for some people, but I am fine with it. With that...

As some folks might know, I make it a habit to create a goal around my birthday. Sometimes it's do more of something and this year it revolved around doing less of one (or more) things. These goals are intended to direct energy, shift attention, and generally set up a space for myself to move forward on some life trajectory. They are a little boost in agency and confidence and generally speaking success rate is high. I can have very good will power, especially when I have clear parameters, solid rationale, and plenty of time to rev up. All of which are possible with the birthday goals, it seems there is always a thing to do, something that has been elusive or perhaps difficult to grapple with in the everyday. 

I am not sure which one of those alcohol ends up in for me, but building up to the Fall of 2020 it seemed like a good thing to give up. We were starting to work from home more and the line between work and home was getting blurrier, the pandemic was in full swing and the national situation and psyche were in dire straights, we were coming up on a major election, and my relationship was gearing up for a turn for the more serious. All of these things felt like big things, they seemed like things I would either want to drown out or be more present for. I decided to go with the latter and my chosen mechanism for that was sobriety. 

I would not have characterized my relationship to substances as problematic, and still don't, but I would say that the concept of moderation was a bit elusive in practice. In effect that meant that I was drinking most days and that had been likely the case for many years, so this pause was very intentional. My goal was to "take control" of a behavior and use that control to direct myself in a direction towards more of who I wanted to be. If I look back at journals across the decades, there were just a few things that continued to evade my grasp and this goal of being sober was in fact a strategy. In retrospect, I am glad I did not frame it that way! The goal itself was simple- no altering substances. That was it! To ensure success it is important to have clear boundaries, for me- I didn't mind alcohol in food items, but for dang sure was not including caffeine in the excluded list! 

My partner decided to join me- I wasn't expecting this of him but in the end was very grateful to have this be a piece of it. I was reflecting a bit around this piece with him just this morning. I think it was very helpful for us to commiserate and relate around a shared goal, both in terms of not being exposed to it regularly and also around having a place for open discussion around challenges and triumphs. It was cool how we had different relationships and starting points with it and thus the journey was going to be different.

I think overall, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Sometimes (often) the unknown is scary to venture into because you have some sort of notion around what it will be like and then you jump into the void and things might turn out different or same to your expectations. This in itself is a good lesson learned from the whole experience that can be applied to life in general. I don't think the take away is that expectations are bad, just that they are a small part of the decision and should not be entrenched or a strong deciding factor. It was fun to exercise that agency in a clear and seemingly arbitrary way! One day I was drinking and then the next day I was sober, just like that.

There were some side effects which I alluded to earlier, these were things that were not part of the goal itself but perhaps things that could spring forth once the space had been cleared up for it. These things were more physical activity and emotional growth and maturity. Its fun to write this reflection piece because it was kinda a subtle process that built up momentum as the year went on and now looking back I can totally track on how these things evolved and appreciate the internal process around them. I will say that it is important that I did not overwhelm myself with effort here- my primary focus was just not doing something. Organically stemming from that I was able to tackle these other pieces, I think that is indicative of the rumblings of purpose in the unconscious. 

There has been a lot of change in my life in the last 10 years- truly, my life has sort if been marked by change as a constant. This has been great in so many ways, not least of which is the stage set for vibrancy and richness of varied experience. Really amazing and conducive to a life well lived and also challenging for setting course on some more challenging pattern shifts. One of these is overall health and wellness. I don't think I was generally an unhealthy person- I had spent around 8 years as a vegetarian and someone mindful of what I was eating and generally conscious about being active. However, I was never really able to get to the level that I wanted to be at! I am not sure why- some speculations include: I didn't have very good example or role models in my life around this, regularity in schedule was not a trademark of my life, it's hard, I didn't quite know how (including how much was enough and how to do it). 

So, in the last year, the combo of being sober and having a partner who is really attuned to physical activity and nutrition was really super stellar for me! I tried a few different things in terms of activity, things like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, yoga, circuit workouts, etc. I spent time doing things by myself and with my partner, in different spaces like the house, the gym, local streets, the canyon by my house, etc. It was super fun to experiment! There was a few qualities that ended up being important to me in terms of sticking- the activity needs to be easily accessible (like not going somewhere to do it), mildly challenging, and provide a diverse array of visible stimulus. The ones that ended up really winning out were daily walks and long distance bike riding. I am so happy with how those things have really taken off! Moving forward, it's really important for me to keep physical activity as a constant- so for example, tomorrow I will be celebrating and drinking again (!) but I am making sure to fit in a bike ride beforehand. 

The other sort of significant change that I will touch on briefly here is a leap forth in emotional maturity. I think there have a few hold outs in terms of the evolution of my thinking in terms of who and how I wanted to be in a relationship. This is something I have experienced in the past in the shape of ego and stubbornness, as well as some fundamental contradictions around my beliefs and values and how those are reflected in my actions. I don't know exactly how the sobriety influenced this leap- only that it has happened and I am very happy/ready for it in my life! I think it has really poised me for commitment and to embrace my partner in an earnest, authentic, and wholehearted way. And that is great cause we are engaged now. 😀

So there you go! This year I will be letting go of social media (will be keeping Twitter for work) and focusing on writing more. That will be both here in this space as well as in my own journal. There are already some major changes bubbling up! It will be fun to see those take shape and unfurl like ferns. 

Until next time, friends, as always: Expect Great Things. 

As Much to Do W/Anything & Nothing

This post comes from a moment of solitude, rare form in current mode of existence. The space to have thoughts and the emptiness wrought to capture it. Let me paint for you the scene as I sip double strength mint tea wrapped in someone else's afghan. I don't even know how to use that term correctly- is it a dog, a nationality? I mean it as a nice knitted blanket, though a dog or two are near by now as always. There is some incense burning in the background, it's wedged on a piece of driftwood I found on some beach though I can't remember when and where. I often say that I am blessed with awful memory, my partner teases me about it and sometimes I wonder if he uses this to his advantage. I don't mind if he does. Life is too short to have a good memory, ya know? Be here now. 

The drift wood is oblong and smooth, it looks as if it were made to hold incense. I thought this too when I found it, strewn by the ocean.  The particular brand of incense I am burning is Nag Champa. I met this scent back in my freshman or sophomore year of college, going to one of those smoke shops or hippy stores as I used to think of them. The world was so new then, there was so much to learn, so many people to meet, mistakes to make, apologies to be served and consumed. I feel the same way now.

I hear cars revving and a wooden wind chime, it is shaped like a blue whale and I enjoy this about it very much every time I see and hear it. I don't think it sounds differently because it is a blue whale, though I certainly enjoy it more because of this. There is also a bell that rings from time to time when the wind hits it just so. I've just had some lunch- a salad and leftover meatloaf. I have spent the last couple hours working on a batch of granola. It usually seems like the nuts get burned before the oats are toasty- what is up with that?

My last post was really much more hopeful and decisive than I have become since I last wrote it. After chatting with a good friend who does talent management & development and knows me pretty well I decided that going into school again and incurring more debt was just NOT something I was willing to do. Plus, the track I was thinking about would position me to work in an HR department- something I wasn't crazy about. SO, back to the drawing board as they say. 

I've been in a funk with the whole professional world piece of my life. I think I want to pursue a PhD, but I can't quite seem to wrap my head around where to go, who to study under, how to apply, where might I fit in, etc. These are kind of fundamentals! I think about it a lot, I start fretting, then I stop until I meet someone inspiring or muster motivation via some other means. I don't have a lot of agency with my work currently and I think that makes my confidence falter.

Next, I'll give you my opinion and/or thoughts around random things:

• Bougainvilleas- I like them. They are the kind of thing that is a common place beauty, I love how they crawl up and can take up so much space. I like how they look on the ground. My favorite is the less common colors like pink and peach, I mostly see them in fuchsia. They remind me of my friend John because that is how I learned what they were called. When we were roommates we lived in an apartment in Oakland by a lake, it had a balcony and off the balcony we could see an old dilapidated structure, I think it was a garage. There were tons of bougainvilleas there! 
• Adobe houses- I think they are neat! I like how in some places of the country they are more common place than others. I like the look of clay, though I think my favorite style of house are craftsman bungalows of the 1920's. Someday, I'd like to live in a tiny home of that style, with high ceilings and a loft bedroom.
• Israeli/Palestine situation- It's none of my business. There are a lot of things that are my business and I don't have an opinion on those things either. Some people think if you don't have an opinion then you are the oppressor or making the situation worse. It's none of my business what those people think either. I looked up some history on it and it's really complex, though of course it follows some patterns of the man scheming, wheeling, and dealing. It's shitty, that's all I have to say about that. Recently I heard this bumper sticker phrase that I thought was brilliant: other people's opinion of me is none of my business. 
• Palm trees- I love palm trees, I think they are underrated. I grew up in Florida where we had a lot of them and most recently was living in Portland, Oregon where there aren't as many. Now I am in San Diego and I really appreciate them, the ones here are tall and skinny mostly, but there are many kinds including this radical feathery one that blows my mind. I might get a tattoo of one some day, but first I want to get a mermaid sleeve. 
• Key chains- There are so many different key chains in the world. Do you think that there are more key chains than keys? My favorite key chain I have owned I got at the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, it is a pewter melting clock. I also have this neat one that is a tiny hourglass with sand in it that my dad got me on a vacation once, it's special cause my dad rarely gets me things. It reminds me that life is fleeting.
• Being a nerd- I like nerdy things, but I don't really know how much of a nerd I am. Sometimes I want to claim it because I think it adds a nice dimension to my personality but I don't know how it fits my identity. I wonder about this because I am not good at math and science and sometimes I question how smart I am. Mostly I think I am a pretty sharp cookie though, don't worry. I think this because some academic type things come with ease, but mostly because I find I think about things in ways that are different than other people. I tend to reflect deeply and frequently about meaning, causality, logic, presence, and intention. I am not in the body and mind of other people so I don't know exactly how different this is, but my interactions with other would lead me to believe this is kind of a unique thing. Last weekend I binged on Jeopardy & The Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson, I thought this was nerdy and it pleased me.

OK. 

I guess that's enough. It's nice to write a little from time to time, even if I don't have all the words to express the inner workings. I'll do a reflection post on sobriety soon- I have a lot to say about that.

Until next time, expect great things!

Sailing in Search of a Bulwark

Salutations & felicitations on a year accomplished,

What a year this has been! When I think back to where I was in January it seems almost unrecognizable to me now. I had a different job, different things I held near, and for certain different expectations and worries. I wanted to end the year with a little professional retrospection and future thinking! This is for you and this is for me, a snap shot in time, an inhalation of clean air and exhalation of hope.

As the year began I was starting to feel a bit restless at work, after some personal professional strife I was realizing it was time to look forward & make some jefa moves to the next step. I took a gamble on applying for a temporary fellowship that would allow me the time and space to pursue the work I was wanting to do locally, but on the national scale from Washington DC. Around the same time I had the opportunity to travel to DC to serve as a panelist on a review committee. These experiences were formative to what would come to represent a transformative year, I was awarded the fellowship and thoroughly enjoyed reading and rating proposals. 

In March the offices closed down and I began my transition to the fellowship, it was an awkward if not relaxed time. It felt good to have built up the program I was leading to a place where it could be sustained in my absence, though it was bittersweet to leave it. The experience of working from home felt very natural, almost as if it had always been this way! Was odd and amazing to work in my pajamas and take a break in the middle of the day to do whatever chore needed to be done. It was novel enough at the time where I appreciated the perks more than I missed the camaraderie at the office (such as it was). It was exciting to be moving into the next step and through April and May I held onto hope that I might still relocate to DC.

As the summer rolled in and with the pandemic raging, it became clear that I would remain working remotely, this was a bit of a bummer. I had really been looking forward to experiencing the nation's capital for a longer span of time. The last time I had been there for a long period I had been wide eyed freshly graduated from my museum studies program, spending a summer doing a fellowship with the Smithsonian Latino Center. I was ready to sink my teeth into the political scene and in an election year no less! I wanted to attend mixers on the Hill and lectures at the National Academy of Sciences, not to mention the museums. Alas the events were all cancelled or online and the museums stayed shut for most of the year. Staying put has had its perks for sure, short commute and being close to my partner being the most of note.

Another welcomed pandemic side effect was that I ended up taking more time to focus on healing and strengthening my resolve around my health. I mentioned being more active, thoughtful about what I consume, and sobriety in my last post (all these things are going well!), though for sure had a holiday cookie break. During this time I also spent more energy focusing my compass on the direction of my career future, super fuzzy at first, I am familiar with the cadence of this process after engaging in it multiple times. Thoughts surface and sink, the more salient ones return and become louder. Calibration is a slow and frustrating process, though I have come to enjoy it more as I get older. I find that I also take more pleasure in my uncertainty and cultivating patience and grace (a couple of my evergreen life goals).

The fellowship experience has been, a bit odd and not exactly what I expected. It's been amazing to get in touch with museums from across the country and learn more about their COVID trials & tribulations and how they are hanging in there (or not). The novelty of remote working has lost it's luster in on boarding to a new org and it's been really challenging to establish bonds with folks over the internet. All the while I have been seeking and pushing to figure out what is next and have (mostly) landed the plane on a shift in my line of work. Ahhh! 

I am considering pursuing education in industrial and organizational psychology. I have grown interested in leadership and organizational development through a lens of social justice, inclusion, and cross cultural psychology. In my journey I have found an increasing need for support in non-profit, government, and corporations in developing an organizational culture where BIPOC (black, indigenous, & people of color) can thrive in their professional journeys. Currently I am thinking I would like to ultimately pursue a PhD in IO and work in government at the National Science Foundation or a major corporation. I am focused on how to intentionally affect change at a large scale, a theme in my work trajectory has revolved around magnifying my impact. I think that there is much potential in blending IO with concepts like restorative justice, social justice, and DEAI (diversity, equity, access, and inclusion) work and equipping institutions with solid grounding to change their cultures to be more inclusive! Interestingly, even though I have never wanted to work for myself, I began imaging my company and it's offerings. It was funner than I thought! I don't think I would go there right away, but it seems like a more palatable possibility now.

This means going back to school, getting a Masters of Science, taking statistics and research methods classes, I am both excited and scared about this! I started digging into some online curriculum and the excitement is mounting, this is a good sign. Another secondary reason for the shift in work is to consider more economically viable options in the future, something that had really not played a role in my decision making up until this point. It's weird to think about working in human resources, but I am really determined to make the change I want to see in the world, and get paid to do it. There is so much I have to learn about systemic oppression and how it is perpetuated in science, I would like to build on my career thus far in informal science education and expand it.

So that is where I landed at the end of this decade of a year! As it turns out, most applications for the fall of 2021 were due this month (wth), so I might be a little more delayed in starting a program than I anticipated. This might actually turn out to be ok because I want to lay some ground work- I have only taken a couple of psychology classes, I think I need some intro courses. This is still preliminary, but it's the clearest the path has felt in a while, so am basking in the joy of that for am moment before the next leg of the journey begins. Now I have to do more research on classes, scholarships, and find some mentors.

I hope you are doing good and finding the time to elucidate your goals. 

EXPECT GREAT THINGS FROM 2021. 

New Frontiers on Sullen Soil

¡Salutations!

It's wild to see that it's been this long since I have posted, my my how four years can fly. It is true what they say that the older you get the faster time seems to go. I think especially now, with events transpired in the decade that was twenty twenty that sentiment is particularly spot on. For new friends & comrades, this blog is a place for updates and reflections on life, mostly for me to have a record but also for interested parties to stay a little more up to date than a single foto can provide.

My last post 4 years ago was quite melancholy, reflective, and slightly morose if not on brand hopeful. I had started a few posts between now and then, but never finished them for one reason or another. There is a bit of a lesson to learn from this, the enemy of productivity can be perfection- or procrastination. At any rate, here we are and I am determined to give it to y'all in one go. Thank you to my friend for the reminder of the existence of this blog as a mechanism to communicate with friends near and far. I also do quite enjoy them as seances with former self. Sometimes ya just need a little spark to light you up, here we go!

The year is coming to a close, and what a year it's been. Since last I wrote my career has taken an unexpected but inspiring turn and the future in this realm of life is looking big and bright. It has been surreal for me to have good news in the last six months- but oh so welcomed. I was selected as a Community Science Fellow with the Association of Science and Technology Centers in Washington DC- a fellow at an association is a wild & unfamiliar thing! When I share it with folks, I generally get blank stares, like "that's nice... but what does it mean, exactly?", a totally reasonable reaction. Even now 6 months into it I have a hard time describing it succinctly- a glaring indication of the immaterialness of academically oriented pursuits. I don't wholly believe in this, which is why I am considering a PhD (more on that in a moment), but do feel it is an pervasive and damaging association. Something I am hoping to make some strides towards dismantling through my efforts, that is to say figuring out ways academic folks can be more accessible and relevant to people who are not. 

Anywho- my work life consists of working remotely from home doing research and interviews and meeting about these things. I am working with a team building a framework for understanding how communities can work with science practitioners (formal and informal) to advance their priorities (relating to education, environment, quality of life, etc). For me, this incarnation is a natural evolution of the trajectory so far, with the general career ethos being science as a force for good in communities. This fellowship is a temporary appointment that ends in Fall 2021, so that means I am using the time to plot my next endeavor! 

At this moment in time I am seriously considering pursuing a Doctor of Philosophy in Industrial Organizational Psychology with a focus on social justice systems in informal science education. What a mouthful! Basically- I want to focus on how to affect change from the inside, with an ultimate goal of working at the National Science Foundation. We will see how this thinking evolves in the coming months, lot's more research to be done and conversations to be had. One important thing I am looking for in a program is for it to be fully or partially funded! No more debt for this honey kitten. I love learning and hope I can continue to magnify my impact on this roller coaster. And that's all I have to say about that.

In other news, I am trying out a year of sobriety! This came about as a process I usually undertake during my birthday wherein I set a goal that I want to accomplish in the following year. Usually they are health focused, it's kind of like my own new years resolution, but with a great likelihood of accomplishment. This year I was just feeling an urgency to be present and was sort of starting to feel the wear of fifteen or so years of no full break to speak of. Reactions to this when I tell folks have been really interesting to me, something in that is telling of the relationship people have with intoxication generally. Some people have gone on to be defensive or explain their own decisions around this and others have been like good luck! Both of those are a bit bewildering to me because my choices are not a judgement value on you and I don't see it as a question of luck, it's just something I am going to do. I get it though- it's a goal for a reason and the connotations and associations with this one in particular are unavoidable. 

Overall it goes very well. Some of the most obvious changes are around an increase in my motivation levels. These fall in three general categories: activity, reading, and diet. I am more active now than I have ever been in my life, daily I am walking around 4-5 miles and ride my bike for 10 miles. On the weekends I try to do more of both. As a part of my goal I also cut back on social media- not a complete hiatus but am using more sporadically to try to focus attention on other things. Part of the rationale for this was not wanting to "trade addictions" and partially I was tired of the scrolling hamster wheel. I do love the photography and sharing aspects of it but I uninstall the app every time I post to avoid the pitfall of constant checking. Whatever works! As a result I am reading more, every morning after some lemon water and a brisk walk I curl up with my pups and a periodical, and I just finished a novel after a long time (highly recommend The Parable of The Sower by Octavia Butler- damn!). Diet wise, as part of the kick off to my goal I did a cleanse and that has been a nice transition into paying more attention to what I put in my body. It's generally meant eating less overall and consuming more things like fruits, veggies, nuts, and bone broth and less refined grains. Good times.

I have a partner now! A profoundly different life from the loneliness of the previous years posts. It's been a big change for me- I have grown A LOT in this realm, my partner has really helped me confront some of the darker more selfish parts of self and through choked up tearful conversations led to some vulnerable and exposed moments of watershed growth. He is very handsome, kind, smart, and motivating. It hasn't been a totally smooth ride (as is expected) but I am very appreciative of him and his family in my life. Especially during this heck of a year! There is a warmth and great big love shared that rivals any other I have had in my life kin to my own kin. We currently live with his parents in a lovely caring if not sometimes chaotic space- my life is filled with love, thoughtful conversation, good meals shared, and sweetness and I am so grateful all the time.

Also: great puppies, kitties, a momentary tortoise, a couple parakeets, and I get plenty of beach time, which is important to me. Been digging on the following tunes: Pixels by Mimicking Birds (always that nostalgia to little sorrows), my future by Billie Eilish (cause i love my self present & future- also check out her new video therefore I am!), Boats & Birds by Gregory and the Hawk (i live to let you shine).

I think that's all I have to say for now. I have been trying to write more cards and letters so if you are interested in staying in touch that way I welcome it.  It's wonderful to receive a tangible token of friendship during these socially distant times, low pressure. Let me know if you are interested!

Until next time, friends and fiends: expect great things.

Post haze induced alternate reality AKA everyday life

Salutations,

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and even now I am writing because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment.

You spend a lot of time thinking about self improvement and any non-working towards that goal or in some way or another being productive moment feels like an insult to the grace that decided you should be here with us today. 

Much of it is folly. Or error, or pain and misjudgment. 

But thankfully, not most of it. Most of it is beauty and kindness and a mystic type of striving. If I was bubbling up because I thought I had something to say, then I would just say it and be done with it. I am slowly realizing that life is the accomplishment of all of the moments, it is the wholeness you can bring to your own existence. In the silence and spare moments when you are alone with yourself, and these moments happen a lot with me these days, there is a space for reflection. For me, the pool is crystalline and clear, and muddy the moment I take a step in, pool's all like I am for reflection! Not swimming! 

Oops.

I turn thirty four this month and I'd be lying if I said this fact has made me more contemplative, because that is a way of life for me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not in a relationship, and so instead of worrying about what the other person is thinking, or how much I am yearning for an affair, or where to have date night this Friday I am thinking about me.

Me me me. All the time. 

Of course it's not in a selfish sort of way, though that happens too, more recently the thoughts have been focused on my career. Where to go from here, as I am approaching my pupa stage, I yearn for clarity in terms of what the future will hold for this little butterfly... Moreover, realizing I am increasingly lose a grip I never had on my dating life, I feel perhaps my energy would be better suited in advancing that which I have dedicated so much time to. The truth is, as much as I want to be inspired and motivated to make art, I can't really rally enough resolve around that to make it seem worth while as often as I would like, anyway. Inspiration is also not as easy to manage.

That is interesting. Two things I really want (love and inspiration) are out of my hands. How shitty. I guess, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's an ultimate kind of test  of my resilience. Well universe, that is just fine. I am focusing on things I can control. Everything else can let be sorted out on it's own. When and if it does. I got bigger plans for me right now. I can't dwell or be caught up in the what ifs or the could have been's, or heck, even the I wish they were's. 

What does it mean to better oneself?

To me, there is a direct correlation between a life well lived and public service. But obviously it should be fun, and perhaps lucrative public service (am I crazy to even dream such a thing?). Maybe. I am pushing towards something, I don't know what that ism but I know I am not there yet.

Will I die some day? The answer is yes. You and everyone you know will all be dead some day. You do not know when that day will be unless you decide to do it yourself. There are some truths that are true of all of us.

You could be better. Whatever you are doing, there is someone who'll likely could do it better than you could. And, that person is likely not very far away from you.

Could you for a second imagine expressing your self to it's fullest potential? I have fantasies of it sometimes. Flirty, ethereal fantasies that tingle with meaning and dance at the tip of my tongue. Am I throttling full force to unabashed mediocracy? Will I recognize the difference? Is this not, the life best lived? With all of my heart and intention and feeling.

What is it about love? What is it about passion and esteem, about being charming and charmed?

I can describe a sweetness, I can tell you about the texture of a ripe peach, flesh slightly fuzzy and soft between your finger tips. I can regale you with sensuous stories about the juice, squishy and rolling down your chin. Sticky and refreshing.

But, I don't know much about passion these days. My experiences recently have been with feeble roots (if any at all).

We stir stir stir the pot.

The aromatic spices gather their impetus and exhaust their options. Into the air, away, away! In the nostrils of another, in the nostrils of our selves.

Over all, I am doing pretty well. Romantic entanglements notwithstanding.

Crafting, plotting, sitting, breathing, rocking, melting, spinning, sweating, gyrating, smiling, laughing, piercing, giggling, texting, watching, listening, picking, taking, giving, looking, cutting, cooking, lighting, thinking, watering, hoping, moving, crushing,  sneaking, and generally having a good time.

Till next time honey bunnies, expect good things.

Ain't it Or No? Stories of inching towards utpopia

Salutations y'all!

Let me talk to you about dating. 

I feel like I have enough conversations about this in a sort of cursory and peripheral way often and I hardly ever feel satisfied with both my answers to questions and my ability to really express what it feels like and how I react to it.

I complain about the dating scene in Portland a lot. Whenever anyone brooches the subject you can practically countdown to my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and my jabbering jaw flapping up a storm about how weird it is, how it's sideways racist, and how it can't be just me. I would also have to be as quick to admit that I am part of the problem. 

Take last night for example, I went on a date with this chap named Logan. It was one of the most intense workdays in recent history, co-hosting a webinar, 4 and a half hours of back to back meetings, thinking about my goals for the year, submitting an article. Literally, my brain was on high power mode for like 10 hours straight. After that I went straight to meet up with a friend for tacos, as soon as my ass slid onto the seat my mouth was sputtering out the words, cheap ass red please (that's it's name on the menu, swear). After coming clean with my friend about how my brain was slightly comatose, we hung out drank wine and ate tacos. When I got home, I kept drinking and watched some Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, but I was a little restless. Do you ever feel like that after a really brain heavy day, like you can't actually compose proper thoughts but you can't help but ramming your remaining functioning brain cells against the wall. 

So I hit this guy up that I had been having a little bit of back and forth with (more on that later) over OK Cupid and checked to see if he wasn't busy, turned out he wasn't and he was interested in getting a little spontaneous. I suggested we meet at a bar close to me. Now, this was possibly the last drip of functionality I would be able to muster that day. Under no normal circumstances would it have been a good idea to go on a date, I can't imagine I would have been anything but ridiculous. My conversation would be non sequitur, I have no idea if I even could be able to finish sentences or make any sense at all. I wasn't mentally disabled or anything, I was just really exhausted. I wonder what that poor dude thought of me afterwards? Maybe I am being a little harsh on myself, but I really don't think I was a very compelling figure sitting before him.

I guess my point is that, even though I knew I wouldn't be my best self, I still made a choice to go out and meet this guy. This sentiment isn't a new one for me, I found myself explaining the experience of a first date as generally staying low and not making a big investment mentally. 

What the heck!?

Even though I intellectually can appreciate the contradiction in this MO, I feel like I am genuinely doing the best I can. I am generally pretty honest and straight forward about not paying much attention, or about how I didn't read your profile or how I won't likely remember anything that we talk about. Recently I went on a date with someone and it was the first time I had actually seen the guy sober in daylight and I remember thinking, "Oh, that's not how I pictured him". They just happen too often, if I was to really dedicate all the energy that is required to get to know someone I would be totally drained.

I feel like I am a bit at a loss at this point. My attitude is kinda nasty these days. If a guy doesn't demonstrate and eagerness to want to get to know me and show me that he is physically attracted to me right away I begin to become disinterested fairly quickly and then it's hard to get me back. I think though this makes sense to me, I wonder about those connections that take a little longer to develop, and about dudes who have different ways of demonstrating their affections. I don't know, but I feel like I am so deprived of chivalrous sentiment and such time honored courtship rituals such as a guy asking a girl out that I really have gotten kind of grumpy and sour about the whole thing.

I guess I could just stop, but that feels wrong to me. It feels like I am not doing my part to make it happen, even though I know that is silly. I did stop recently for a few months and while I will admit I felt a certain calmness about not having to be so active in my search and constantly being judged or having to (in some ways at least) and felt at peace with my solitude more. I can't deny that I want to be in a loving, good, quality relationship, and not at least opening up some channels to make that more likely to happen makes me feel worse, I think.

All the dishes rattle in the cupboard when the elephants arrive, I want to love you madly!

On the other hand, I ain't stressing.

In some deep recess of my mind, I feel like I believe that it won't be so hard when I do fall in love and it's right. I will just know and things will just make sense, not to say that I won't ever argue with that person or that there won't ever be any problems, but it will be a special kind of easy. The kind of effort that feels worth making and the kind of touch that electrifies every part of your body, that sort of sweetness that melts your heart and softens you up in ways you didn't know were possible.

But, who knows how or when, till then and in between time my kittens, expect great things.  

Use Your Words

[Salutations]

Do you believe in fate?

I don't. I believe in my will, I believe in circumstances and things that happen and don't happen. I think it's all related, in a physical way and in a causal way, bullets ricochet off buildings in drug deals that feed our habits in one way or another.  Blinds drawn so we don't have to see how the ins and outs are broken down and reconstructed in tent cities across town. Blatant vagrant tendency, hideous display of humanity, but the truest. 

I had the thought today that maybe too many thoughts can cause growing pains in the mind. Isn't that funny? As if consciousness was an muscle that could be worked out and refined and made stronger.

Hey babe, check out my swo grey matter. what chu think?!

Ha!

With all your beautiful memories, and your misspent youth. If you could just babble forever and people actually cared what would you say? Delicate interwoven in all the fabric, joyous and raucous, simple sometimes but usually ecstatic and conspiring with the universe. Do you feel soft as silk sometimes, pliable and malleable, drinking in the complexity and nuance permeating the dew drop drapes of our existence. There really is no point in living if you don't hold your head up high, you stand for everything, continually falling out of favor with the people who float by unwittingly. A smile spread like butter across my face, a sweetness spilling out of me I can't help. And I don't want to, I want to give it to you. 

Feeding you feeds me.

Why does life appear more interesting when it's happening in slow motion?

Could you picture yourself as a monument? Could you ever imagine that your life might be worthy enough to remember? Enough to broadcast? 

Differences measured so close to our skin, I don't see how we'll get anywhere at all, and yet, I still quiver. I still shake with the prospect of frution, what can I hope for? Breathing in cutting through the air and making way for my own place, my own needs. Letting go of any attachments, but unable to relinquish control even if imaginary. Somewhere it's possible that an action I have taken has brought me closer to that light.

When I think of you I imagine an understanding, peaceful presence. I can get worked up sometimes, in spite of everything, because of everything. There I not left a stone unturned. 

I miss the places I have been, and sometimes at night I think of places, people, memories. Kissing friends in basements, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, drinks on wooden porches, cicadas (so loud), southern thunderstorms like no other, lots of gravestones, bodies of water, bodies of flesh, and some cobble streets, horse carriages included. I am blessed with resolution, and some healthy mother fucking drive. The potential is scary, and I don't yet look it in the eye. I am not averting my gaze, but there are somethings I can't quite set my sights on alone.

Things I yearn for. Things I want to be good at.

 

I remember Piccalilli lunches with my mom after shopping outings. We would grab our trays and silverware saying hello to the attendant. We would dutifully greet every server, as everyone we would encounter in our journey, except for the older creepy gentleman. Manners are important.

As we made our way down we would choose meal components that appealed to us. In the beginning was the salad, I rarely started my culinary journey here, but sometimes I would feel like being healthy (even if it was drenched in dressin). Anyway my mom would sometimes get the gelatin salad at this point, the thing was though that she would eat it for dessert. In my little mind, this always seemed like cheating to me. Like she cold choose her desert before anyone else. It was silly!

Then came the protein mom went for the fish 9 out of 10 times. Fish always seemed like the thing you would go out for. I liked the meatloaf mostly, but some other ones I can't remember too. Truly I mostly remember the sides, Mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes with little pools of gravy in the center. The jalapeño cornbread sticks. The fruit punch that later evolved to iced tea. We would always personally greet the cashier. They issued you a receipt and then you would hold onto it until you left, then you would present it to the exit cashier. My mom and I liked to hit the booths, sometimes the lights would be out and we would have to choose an alternate. We would sit and chat about things, people at church, crazy families members or something I was going through at school. My mom is by far and away the most negative person I know. I have been a ray of sunshine for as long as I can remember. Maybe positivity for me is a way to tell the rest of the world to man the fuck up. Like, really? You think your shit is bad why don't you wake up and smell the cow manure because lifestyle causes suffering all around the world.

I am not saying it does mean that all the time, just that it's possible that it is saying that sometimes.

I deal with change by subjugating it.

There is a constant opinion that I could walk away at any moment, I kind of believe it too.

I just want to tell you everything so you'll understand me, I just want to bare my bones so you can lick them.

I'm too earnest to expect anything back from you, the best surprises are those connections that rise to the top.

I'll walk away from here with more than a few, I am sure.

I'm sure I'll walk away from here.

Until next time, sweet sweet pussycats, expect great things...