Salutations dear readers.
Whashappeningg??!
It's been Months and Months since my last confession. Why's that you ask (or, really, probably didn't ask, let's be real)? Well, shit has been going down, both the well and the unwell and I have been a little bit too preoccupied to sit down for a mother loving minute to jot it all down. Also, truth be told, I was being courted by a strapping young buck of man and had my hands full. So, I wasn't rushing off to the presses to tell you how in love I was and how everything was going to peachy keen up in the PNW.
In truth, it wasn't doing either of those things.
I had a falling in with a feller who elicited those sort of feelings that make you want to want to think about forever, one of the reasons I stalled a little bit more on the falling out than I should have, but more on that later.
Work is workish.
I am doing really well in my job currently! Yay! Blooming still feels like an everyday struggle though, so I guess I am doing something right. I don't think I would ever be satisfied by a career where I knew everything, or in which I wasn't continually being challenged to think of things in a different way. I am a creature that yearns for challenge, that is stubbornly indignant when out thought, and that needs to be pushing against the limits of my breadth and depth constantly, and in many ways. But, anyway, people are noticing, which is swell. I am trying to keep it up, which is hard. We will see where all that goes, nothing in life is static, and growth necessitates new environments to flourish. I am not sure how that will manifest but I am keeping an eye on nourishment and doing my best. Or trying to anyway...
I've been listening to a lot of Florence and The Machine lately, I have been trying to figure out why and I think it is because the tenor of the music and the power in her voice and lyrics really resonates with the way I feel about life. It's messy, its meaningful, and it hurts so sweetly sometimes. My emotional gamut stretches far beyond that which I am verbally able to articulate, and I am so grateful for that experience because it feels raw and guttural. It feels like the a chorus of angels are singing your soundtrack and every encounter is a holy experience.
My white whale? My albatross around the neck? My red herring?
My crisscrossed stars are not impressed.
So yea, with this dude. It didn't work out.
I don't know what it is. In the sentences that follow I will try to fulfill at least an infinitesimal attempt at trying to describe, and truly, having to articulate it for this blog post might be the closest I have gotten to get it out all comprehensible like since they happened inside of my heart. Sure, I have told some people, but really it's not a complete story. Let's see what I can do here...
I have been told I am intense before, I never quite understand what people mean by that. I just kinda live my life, you know? When I think something, I usually think about it deeply, even things like being stuck in traffic, or cold brewed coffee interactions. I am emotionally in tune with the world around me and am constantly not only reading, but trying to make the other's experience better. Well, for the most part, in rare cases it resolutely does not work, then, ironically I tend to get annoyed with the person.
Anyway...
I was seeing someone for a brief moment, and ultimately what caused me to decide that I needed to walk away was the fact that I could not emotionally connect with this guy. I was trying to be as giving and as understanding as I could be, but ultimately for me it was more important that I be with someone who is both receptive and able to reciprocate with a similar emotional response. It's an important thing, a value that I hold dear; I need to be able to have deep and meaningful conversations with someone. Sure, sometimes about politics, but also about the nature of existence, comic books, Plato, what to have for dinner, and why wearing a plaid shirt and liking Modest Mouse does not a hipster make. Wax poetic. It was beyond emotional connection though, it has to do with being true to my expectations of what I want to mean to a partner. I am not in the business of settling.
Deal breakers: smoking (vaping counts!), and constantly checking your phone.
Beauty is not everything and I guess it's not a good sign if one masturbates more after getting into a relationship than before... Not that that happened to me or anything.
I love dark chocolate, but sometimes I am just in the mood for milk.
That's not like a euphemism for anything, it's just a bad segue.
Deez nuts!
I have been thinking about how culture is related to dating and how one can convey something culturally innate to something as close as a partner will become. Honestly, part of me is slightly mortified of owning up to the possibility that being Latina affords me more of an access to a passionate and fiery existence; I think that is weird. I have always been of the mindset that you craft your own legacy, using in part what surrounds you and what you want to be. I know, especially as I get older, that my affordances are dictated by culture in mostly all respect, and that all of my relationships are inextricably somehow related to how I identify.
I think I was super lucky in my early twenties to run with a crew that was truly not paying attention to those issues, at least not in anyway that made me feel different. In my "coming of age" I was not preoccupied with identity, I was being in love and experimenting with worldly things. It was flipping great, and in many ways I am probably yearning to go back to that time, even though I know that time will never come back.
I like where I am now, I don't want to front like life outside of the cave is all terror and shit. It's just the amalgamation of the years and experiences has really created quite the powerhouse. With it, the recognition that it will also take some kind of man to meet that.
I don't effin know what that means and much less what to do about it!
I am earnest and open hearted, which I am pretty sure just means I am going to be a lonely star wars role playing spinster.
Alright kittens, I am le pooped, and I want to make sure I get this out to you, I am sure I might do some rewording and tweaking later.
Until next time lovelies, expect great things!
