Salutations,
I feel like I keep begining these posts with apologies for not posting more, but I am going to stop doing that and take more of the Gandalf approach (a wizard arrives just when he means to).
That said, how've you been?! It's been a while. ;)
I'm a solid pretty ok. Plenty of business, ups, and downs.
We are, all of us, oceans and oceans. I had this thought the the other day while a dentist chatted with the dental assistance about his upcoming Italian vacation. While he was complaining about how his neighbor was going to be in the same town during his vacation, I was swimming in my depths. "Can you believe it? Same week!"
What does it mean to be a deep person? How do I know that my thought patterns or habits are unique or particularly profound if I have never had any other perspective? I think that there are different ways of thinking, that's for sure, and I think that some people don't do it as much.
I ask a lot of questions, of others and myself. I feel like am always pushing at my mental comfort zone, with mixed results. There are somethings that preoccupy me and these things shift, it is interesting to see how as I age. I feel more confident, but still like I am seeking, I wonder if that will ever change. In some ways I am eager for that and in others I feel like it is the beginning of death. I wonder how my presence affects those around me, I want to make the space and people around me positive and cheerful. I feel like it's the least I can do to earn my keep in the cosmic melange.
I quit online dating for the new year, it's been about a month now and I thought maybe I'd give you an update on what that's been like. Like quitting the drinking (I did that for six months on my birthday last year) it's been pretty interesting to quit something that I relied on so heavily. I was spending a lot of time searching and browsing with little images on a screen, which yielded plenty of "results" in the way of keeping me busy meeting lots of boys. It was not, however, yielding the kinds of results I was seeking, namely falling madly in love forever and ever. Ironically, despite this preoccupation I have never considered myself to be someone who was defined by having a partner. It's just something I wanted, and if I ever wanted something I would do everything in my power to make sure I got it.
Turns out relationships (especially the kinds worth having) don't follow this logic, I can't just make Mr. Right manifest because I want him, or because I feel my loins are all ready for a dog, and small house, and a garden. That was one of the most terrifying parts of cutting the internet dating umbilical cord, I was relinquishing what little, imaginary control I had over the situation.
(Thanks Caro, for this nugget!)
I miss things like the attention from cute boys and the constant juggling of suitors, I must admit there was something appealing of filling up the agenda with people names. Sometimes up to three different ones in a week, you have to write it down to keep it straight! But it gets old and I recognize that ultimately the kind of attention that I am seeking is not the kind that comes from a person that doesn't actually know me, it is the kind from someone who is familiar with both my strengths and faults. The kind of attention that love, comfort, and familiarity bring with.
I have also felt a little more calm and peaceful, like I am never tying to impress anyone and I am living simply but as best I can. In general I would say that I have been less preoccupied but more open to having something find me. I am still. Fine Universe, do whatever you want. See what I care.
I am going to Florida next week! It's my mom's 60th birthday and I am flying over to spend it with her. I am happy to see my folks. My mom doesn't usually make a big deal out of birthdays, but I wonder if she will for this one. Like, I wonder how she is prepared psychologically for turning to new decade. I worry about her not being excited or motivated by life, always thinking instead about the glory of the afterlife in the kingdom of god or whatever.
Work is going well. It's been interesting, after the salaried position became mine I now view work in a different way. I feel more dedicated than I had before, which I think has both it's benefits and its drawbacks. My day to day is not glamorous, but that's ok. I am sure someday I will be fawning for it as I now do my days of barista ing.
If you could be anything you want, you'd be disappointed am I right?
I am trying to cultivate my Portland friendships, but for whatever reason I am not interested in being the one who reaches out. I feel I am really good at saying yes to things, but I go through fits where I don't want to be the one initiating. It's kind of silly, but whatever. I don't mind the alone time so much anyway.
Alright. I feel I have more thoughts and opinions about all the above things, but am too pooped to elaborate any further. Maybe talk or write to me if you want to know more.
Until next time cowgirls, expect great things..
