Salutations y'all!
Let me talk to you about dating.
I feel like I have enough conversations about this in a sort of cursory and peripheral way often and I hardly ever feel satisfied with both my answers to questions and my ability to really express what it feels like and how I react to it.
I complain about the dating scene in Portland a lot. Whenever anyone brooches the subject you can practically countdown to my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and my jabbering jaw flapping up a storm about how weird it is, how it's sideways racist, and how it can't be just me. I would also have to be as quick to admit that I am part of the problem.
Take last night for example, I went on a date with this chap named Logan. It was one of the most intense workdays in recent history, co-hosting a webinar, 4 and a half hours of back to back meetings, thinking about my goals for the year, submitting an article. Literally, my brain was on high power mode for like 10 hours straight. After that I went straight to meet up with a friend for tacos, as soon as my ass slid onto the seat my mouth was sputtering out the words, cheap ass red please (that's it's name on the menu, swear). After coming clean with my friend about how my brain was slightly comatose, we hung out drank wine and ate tacos. When I got home, I kept drinking and watched some Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, but I was a little restless. Do you ever feel like that after a really brain heavy day, like you can't actually compose proper thoughts but you can't help but ramming your remaining functioning brain cells against the wall.
So I hit this guy up that I had been having a little bit of back and forth with (more on that later) over OK Cupid and checked to see if he wasn't busy, turned out he wasn't and he was interested in getting a little spontaneous. I suggested we meet at a bar close to me. Now, this was possibly the last drip of functionality I would be able to muster that day. Under no normal circumstances would it have been a good idea to go on a date, I can't imagine I would have been anything but ridiculous. My conversation would be non sequitur, I have no idea if I even could be able to finish sentences or make any sense at all. I wasn't mentally disabled or anything, I was just really exhausted. I wonder what that poor dude thought of me afterwards? Maybe I am being a little harsh on myself, but I really don't think I was a very compelling figure sitting before him.
I guess my point is that, even though I knew I wouldn't be my best self, I still made a choice to go out and meet this guy. This sentiment isn't a new one for me, I found myself explaining the experience of a first date as generally staying low and not making a big investment mentally.
What the heck!?
Even though I intellectually can appreciate the contradiction in this MO, I feel like I am genuinely doing the best I can. I am generally pretty honest and straight forward about not paying much attention, or about how I didn't read your profile or how I won't likely remember anything that we talk about. Recently I went on a date with someone and it was the first time I had actually seen the guy sober in daylight and I remember thinking, "Oh, that's not how I pictured him". They just happen too often, if I was to really dedicate all the energy that is required to get to know someone I would be totally drained.
I feel like I am a bit at a loss at this point. My attitude is kinda nasty these days. If a guy doesn't demonstrate and eagerness to want to get to know me and show me that he is physically attracted to me right away I begin to become disinterested fairly quickly and then it's hard to get me back. I think though this makes sense to me, I wonder about those connections that take a little longer to develop, and about dudes who have different ways of demonstrating their affections. I don't know, but I feel like I am so deprived of chivalrous sentiment and such time honored courtship rituals such as a guy asking a girl out that I really have gotten kind of grumpy and sour about the whole thing.
I guess I could just stop, but that feels wrong to me. It feels like I am not doing my part to make it happen, even though I know that is silly. I did stop recently for a few months and while I will admit I felt a certain calmness about not having to be so active in my search and constantly being judged or having to (in some ways at least) and felt at peace with my solitude more. I can't deny that I want to be in a loving, good, quality relationship, and not at least opening up some channels to make that more likely to happen makes me feel worse, I think.
All the dishes rattle in the cupboard when the elephants arrive, I want to love you madly!
On the other hand, I ain't stressing.
In some deep recess of my mind, I feel like I believe that it won't be so hard when I do fall in love and it's right. I will just know and things will just make sense, not to say that I won't ever argue with that person or that there won't ever be any problems, but it will be a special kind of easy. The kind of effort that feels worth making and the kind of touch that electrifies every part of your body, that sort of sweetness that melts your heart and softens you up in ways you didn't know were possible.
But, who knows how or when, till then and in between time my kittens, expect great things.
