I haven't updated my blog in a while, and even now I am writing because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment.
You spend a lot of time thinking about self improvement and any non-working towards that goal or in some way or another being productive moment feels like an insult to the grace that decided you should be here with us today.
Much of it is folly. Or error, or pain and misjudgment.
But thankfully, not most of it. Most of it is beauty and kindness and a mystic type of striving. If I was bubbling up because I thought I had something to say, then I would just say it and be done with it. I am slowly realizing that life is the accomplishment of all of the moments, it is the wholeness you can bring to your own existence. In the silence and spare moments when you are alone with yourself, and these moments happen a lot with me these days, there is a space for reflection. For me, the pool is crystalline and clear, and muddy the moment I take a step in, pool's all like I am for reflection! Not swimming!
Oops.
I turn thirty four this month and I'd be lying if I said this fact has made me more contemplative, because that is a way of life for me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not in a relationship, and so instead of worrying about what the other person is thinking, or how much I am yearning for an affair, or where to have date night this Friday I am thinking about me.
Me me me. All the time.
Of course it's not in a selfish sort of way, though that happens too, more recently the thoughts have been focused on my career. Where to go from here, as I am approaching my pupa stage, I yearn for clarity in terms of what the future will hold for this little butterfly... Moreover, realizing I am increasingly lose a grip I never had on my dating life, I feel perhaps my energy would be better suited in advancing that which I have dedicated so much time to. The truth is, as much as I want to be inspired and motivated to make art, I can't really rally enough resolve around that to make it seem worth while as often as I would like, anyway. Inspiration is also not as easy to manage.
That is interesting. Two things I really want (love and inspiration) are out of my hands. How shitty. I guess, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's an ultimate kind of test of my resilience. Well universe, that is just fine. I am focusing on things I can control. Everything else can let be sorted out on it's own. When and if it does. I got bigger plans for me right now. I can't dwell or be caught up in the what ifs or the could have been's, or heck, even the I wish they were's.
What does it mean to better oneself?
To me, there is a direct correlation between a life well lived and public service. But obviously it should be fun, and perhaps lucrative public service (am I crazy to even dream such a thing?). Maybe. I am pushing towards something, I don't know what that ism but I know I am not there yet.
Will I die some day? The answer is yes. You and everyone you know will all be dead some day. You do not know when that day will be unless you decide to do it yourself. There are some truths that are true of all of us.
You could be better. Whatever you are doing, there is someone who'll likely could do it better than you could. And, that person is likely not very far away from you.
Could you for a second imagine expressing your self to it's fullest potential? I have fantasies of it sometimes. Flirty, ethereal fantasies that tingle with meaning and dance at the tip of my tongue. Am I throttling full force to unabashed mediocracy? Will I recognize the difference? Is this not, the life best lived? With all of my heart and intention and feeling.
What is it about love? What is it about passion and esteem, about being charming and charmed?
I can describe a sweetness, I can tell you about the texture of a ripe peach, flesh slightly fuzzy and soft between your finger tips. I can regale you with sensuous stories about the juice, squishy and rolling down your chin. Sticky and refreshing.
But, I don't know much about passion these days. My experiences recently have been with feeble roots (if any at all).
We stir stir stir the pot.
The aromatic spices gather their impetus and exhaust their options. Into the air, away, away! In the nostrils of another, in the nostrils of our selves.
Over all, I am doing pretty well. Romantic entanglements notwithstanding.
Crafting, plotting, sitting, breathing, rocking, melting, spinning, sweating, gyrating, smiling, laughing, piercing, giggling, texting, watching, listening, picking, taking, giving, looking, cutting, cooking, lighting, thinking, watering, hoping, moving, crushing, sneaking, and generally having a good time.
Till next time honey bunnies, expect good things.
