w/in & w/out

Within & Without 

An Exploration in Sobriety    

Salutations!

So! Today completes a year of sobriety. I wanted to share some reflections on that, this past year, and general life stuff in today's post.

I will offer a vulnerable disclaimer here- I do not consider myself an alcoholic. I realize this is kinda a subjective thing, for example my mom does consider me one. I am totally comfortable with my relationship with the substances I frequent and realize this can be a fraught topic for some people, but I am fine with it. With that...

As some folks might know, I make it a habit to create a goal around my birthday. Sometimes it's do more of something and this year it revolved around doing less of one (or more) things. These goals are intended to direct energy, shift attention, and generally set up a space for myself to move forward on some life trajectory. They are a little boost in agency and confidence and generally speaking success rate is high. I can have very good will power, especially when I have clear parameters, solid rationale, and plenty of time to rev up. All of which are possible with the birthday goals, it seems there is always a thing to do, something that has been elusive or perhaps difficult to grapple with in the everyday. 

I am not sure which one of those alcohol ends up in for me, but building up to the Fall of 2020 it seemed like a good thing to give up. We were starting to work from home more and the line between work and home was getting blurrier, the pandemic was in full swing and the national situation and psyche were in dire straights, we were coming up on a major election, and my relationship was gearing up for a turn for the more serious. All of these things felt like big things, they seemed like things I would either want to drown out or be more present for. I decided to go with the latter and my chosen mechanism for that was sobriety. 

I would not have characterized my relationship to substances as problematic, and still don't, but I would say that the concept of moderation was a bit elusive in practice. In effect that meant that I was drinking most days and that had been likely the case for many years, so this pause was very intentional. My goal was to "take control" of a behavior and use that control to direct myself in a direction towards more of who I wanted to be. If I look back at journals across the decades, there were just a few things that continued to evade my grasp and this goal of being sober was in fact a strategy. In retrospect, I am glad I did not frame it that way! The goal itself was simple- no altering substances. That was it! To ensure success it is important to have clear boundaries, for me- I didn't mind alcohol in food items, but for dang sure was not including caffeine in the excluded list! 

My partner decided to join me- I wasn't expecting this of him but in the end was very grateful to have this be a piece of it. I was reflecting a bit around this piece with him just this morning. I think it was very helpful for us to commiserate and relate around a shared goal, both in terms of not being exposed to it regularly and also around having a place for open discussion around challenges and triumphs. It was cool how we had different relationships and starting points with it and thus the journey was going to be different.

I think overall, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Sometimes (often) the unknown is scary to venture into because you have some sort of notion around what it will be like and then you jump into the void and things might turn out different or same to your expectations. This in itself is a good lesson learned from the whole experience that can be applied to life in general. I don't think the take away is that expectations are bad, just that they are a small part of the decision and should not be entrenched or a strong deciding factor. It was fun to exercise that agency in a clear and seemingly arbitrary way! One day I was drinking and then the next day I was sober, just like that.

There were some side effects which I alluded to earlier, these were things that were not part of the goal itself but perhaps things that could spring forth once the space had been cleared up for it. These things were more physical activity and emotional growth and maturity. Its fun to write this reflection piece because it was kinda a subtle process that built up momentum as the year went on and now looking back I can totally track on how these things evolved and appreciate the internal process around them. I will say that it is important that I did not overwhelm myself with effort here- my primary focus was just not doing something. Organically stemming from that I was able to tackle these other pieces, I think that is indicative of the rumblings of purpose in the unconscious. 

There has been a lot of change in my life in the last 10 years- truly, my life has sort if been marked by change as a constant. This has been great in so many ways, not least of which is the stage set for vibrancy and richness of varied experience. Really amazing and conducive to a life well lived and also challenging for setting course on some more challenging pattern shifts. One of these is overall health and wellness. I don't think I was generally an unhealthy person- I had spent around 8 years as a vegetarian and someone mindful of what I was eating and generally conscious about being active. However, I was never really able to get to the level that I wanted to be at! I am not sure why- some speculations include: I didn't have very good example or role models in my life around this, regularity in schedule was not a trademark of my life, it's hard, I didn't quite know how (including how much was enough and how to do it). 

So, in the last year, the combo of being sober and having a partner who is really attuned to physical activity and nutrition was really super stellar for me! I tried a few different things in terms of activity, things like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, yoga, circuit workouts, etc. I spent time doing things by myself and with my partner, in different spaces like the house, the gym, local streets, the canyon by my house, etc. It was super fun to experiment! There was a few qualities that ended up being important to me in terms of sticking- the activity needs to be easily accessible (like not going somewhere to do it), mildly challenging, and provide a diverse array of visible stimulus. The ones that ended up really winning out were daily walks and long distance bike riding. I am so happy with how those things have really taken off! Moving forward, it's really important for me to keep physical activity as a constant- so for example, tomorrow I will be celebrating and drinking again (!) but I am making sure to fit in a bike ride beforehand. 

The other sort of significant change that I will touch on briefly here is a leap forth in emotional maturity. I think there have a few hold outs in terms of the evolution of my thinking in terms of who and how I wanted to be in a relationship. This is something I have experienced in the past in the shape of ego and stubbornness, as well as some fundamental contradictions around my beliefs and values and how those are reflected in my actions. I don't know exactly how the sobriety influenced this leap- only that it has happened and I am very happy/ready for it in my life! I think it has really poised me for commitment and to embrace my partner in an earnest, authentic, and wholehearted way. And that is great cause we are engaged now. 😀

So there you go! This year I will be letting go of social media (will be keeping Twitter for work) and focusing on writing more. That will be both here in this space as well as in my own journal. There are already some major changes bubbling up! It will be fun to see those take shape and unfurl like ferns. 

Until next time, friends, as always: Expect Great Things. 

As Much to Do W/Anything & Nothing

This post comes from a moment of solitude, rare form in current mode of existence. The space to have thoughts and the emptiness wrought to capture it. Let me paint for you the scene as I sip double strength mint tea wrapped in someone else's afghan. I don't even know how to use that term correctly- is it a dog, a nationality? I mean it as a nice knitted blanket, though a dog or two are near by now as always. There is some incense burning in the background, it's wedged on a piece of driftwood I found on some beach though I can't remember when and where. I often say that I am blessed with awful memory, my partner teases me about it and sometimes I wonder if he uses this to his advantage. I don't mind if he does. Life is too short to have a good memory, ya know? Be here now. 

The drift wood is oblong and smooth, it looks as if it were made to hold incense. I thought this too when I found it, strewn by the ocean.  The particular brand of incense I am burning is Nag Champa. I met this scent back in my freshman or sophomore year of college, going to one of those smoke shops or hippy stores as I used to think of them. The world was so new then, there was so much to learn, so many people to meet, mistakes to make, apologies to be served and consumed. I feel the same way now.

I hear cars revving and a wooden wind chime, it is shaped like a blue whale and I enjoy this about it very much every time I see and hear it. I don't think it sounds differently because it is a blue whale, though I certainly enjoy it more because of this. There is also a bell that rings from time to time when the wind hits it just so. I've just had some lunch- a salad and leftover meatloaf. I have spent the last couple hours working on a batch of granola. It usually seems like the nuts get burned before the oats are toasty- what is up with that?

My last post was really much more hopeful and decisive than I have become since I last wrote it. After chatting with a good friend who does talent management & development and knows me pretty well I decided that going into school again and incurring more debt was just NOT something I was willing to do. Plus, the track I was thinking about would position me to work in an HR department- something I wasn't crazy about. SO, back to the drawing board as they say. 

I've been in a funk with the whole professional world piece of my life. I think I want to pursue a PhD, but I can't quite seem to wrap my head around where to go, who to study under, how to apply, where might I fit in, etc. These are kind of fundamentals! I think about it a lot, I start fretting, then I stop until I meet someone inspiring or muster motivation via some other means. I don't have a lot of agency with my work currently and I think that makes my confidence falter.

Next, I'll give you my opinion and/or thoughts around random things:

• Bougainvilleas- I like them. They are the kind of thing that is a common place beauty, I love how they crawl up and can take up so much space. I like how they look on the ground. My favorite is the less common colors like pink and peach, I mostly see them in fuchsia. They remind me of my friend John because that is how I learned what they were called. When we were roommates we lived in an apartment in Oakland by a lake, it had a balcony and off the balcony we could see an old dilapidated structure, I think it was a garage. There were tons of bougainvilleas there! 
• Adobe houses- I think they are neat! I like how in some places of the country they are more common place than others. I like the look of clay, though I think my favorite style of house are craftsman bungalows of the 1920's. Someday, I'd like to live in a tiny home of that style, with high ceilings and a loft bedroom.
• Israeli/Palestine situation- It's none of my business. There are a lot of things that are my business and I don't have an opinion on those things either. Some people think if you don't have an opinion then you are the oppressor or making the situation worse. It's none of my business what those people think either. I looked up some history on it and it's really complex, though of course it follows some patterns of the man scheming, wheeling, and dealing. It's shitty, that's all I have to say about that. Recently I heard this bumper sticker phrase that I thought was brilliant: other people's opinion of me is none of my business. 
• Palm trees- I love palm trees, I think they are underrated. I grew up in Florida where we had a lot of them and most recently was living in Portland, Oregon where there aren't as many. Now I am in San Diego and I really appreciate them, the ones here are tall and skinny mostly, but there are many kinds including this radical feathery one that blows my mind. I might get a tattoo of one some day, but first I want to get a mermaid sleeve. 
• Key chains- There are so many different key chains in the world. Do you think that there are more key chains than keys? My favorite key chain I have owned I got at the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, it is a pewter melting clock. I also have this neat one that is a tiny hourglass with sand in it that my dad got me on a vacation once, it's special cause my dad rarely gets me things. It reminds me that life is fleeting.
• Being a nerd- I like nerdy things, but I don't really know how much of a nerd I am. Sometimes I want to claim it because I think it adds a nice dimension to my personality but I don't know how it fits my identity. I wonder about this because I am not good at math and science and sometimes I question how smart I am. Mostly I think I am a pretty sharp cookie though, don't worry. I think this because some academic type things come with ease, but mostly because I find I think about things in ways that are different than other people. I tend to reflect deeply and frequently about meaning, causality, logic, presence, and intention. I am not in the body and mind of other people so I don't know exactly how different this is, but my interactions with other would lead me to believe this is kind of a unique thing. Last weekend I binged on Jeopardy & The Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson, I thought this was nerdy and it pleased me.

OK. 

I guess that's enough. It's nice to write a little from time to time, even if I don't have all the words to express the inner workings. I'll do a reflection post on sobriety soon- I have a lot to say about that.

Until next time, expect great things!

Sailing in Search of a Bulwark

Salutations & felicitations on a year accomplished,

What a year this has been! When I think back to where I was in January it seems almost unrecognizable to me now. I had a different job, different things I held near, and for certain different expectations and worries. I wanted to end the year with a little professional retrospection and future thinking! This is for you and this is for me, a snap shot in time, an inhalation of clean air and exhalation of hope.

As the year began I was starting to feel a bit restless at work, after some personal professional strife I was realizing it was time to look forward & make some jefa moves to the next step. I took a gamble on applying for a temporary fellowship that would allow me the time and space to pursue the work I was wanting to do locally, but on the national scale from Washington DC. Around the same time I had the opportunity to travel to DC to serve as a panelist on a review committee. These experiences were formative to what would come to represent a transformative year, I was awarded the fellowship and thoroughly enjoyed reading and rating proposals. 

In March the offices closed down and I began my transition to the fellowship, it was an awkward if not relaxed time. It felt good to have built up the program I was leading to a place where it could be sustained in my absence, though it was bittersweet to leave it. The experience of working from home felt very natural, almost as if it had always been this way! Was odd and amazing to work in my pajamas and take a break in the middle of the day to do whatever chore needed to be done. It was novel enough at the time where I appreciated the perks more than I missed the camaraderie at the office (such as it was). It was exciting to be moving into the next step and through April and May I held onto hope that I might still relocate to DC.

As the summer rolled in and with the pandemic raging, it became clear that I would remain working remotely, this was a bit of a bummer. I had really been looking forward to experiencing the nation's capital for a longer span of time. The last time I had been there for a long period I had been wide eyed freshly graduated from my museum studies program, spending a summer doing a fellowship with the Smithsonian Latino Center. I was ready to sink my teeth into the political scene and in an election year no less! I wanted to attend mixers on the Hill and lectures at the National Academy of Sciences, not to mention the museums. Alas the events were all cancelled or online and the museums stayed shut for most of the year. Staying put has had its perks for sure, short commute and being close to my partner being the most of note.

Another welcomed pandemic side effect was that I ended up taking more time to focus on healing and strengthening my resolve around my health. I mentioned being more active, thoughtful about what I consume, and sobriety in my last post (all these things are going well!), though for sure had a holiday cookie break. During this time I also spent more energy focusing my compass on the direction of my career future, super fuzzy at first, I am familiar with the cadence of this process after engaging in it multiple times. Thoughts surface and sink, the more salient ones return and become louder. Calibration is a slow and frustrating process, though I have come to enjoy it more as I get older. I find that I also take more pleasure in my uncertainty and cultivating patience and grace (a couple of my evergreen life goals).

The fellowship experience has been, a bit odd and not exactly what I expected. It's been amazing to get in touch with museums from across the country and learn more about their COVID trials & tribulations and how they are hanging in there (or not). The novelty of remote working has lost it's luster in on boarding to a new org and it's been really challenging to establish bonds with folks over the internet. All the while I have been seeking and pushing to figure out what is next and have (mostly) landed the plane on a shift in my line of work. Ahhh! 

I am considering pursuing education in industrial and organizational psychology. I have grown interested in leadership and organizational development through a lens of social justice, inclusion, and cross cultural psychology. In my journey I have found an increasing need for support in non-profit, government, and corporations in developing an organizational culture where BIPOC (black, indigenous, & people of color) can thrive in their professional journeys. Currently I am thinking I would like to ultimately pursue a PhD in IO and work in government at the National Science Foundation or a major corporation. I am focused on how to intentionally affect change at a large scale, a theme in my work trajectory has revolved around magnifying my impact. I think that there is much potential in blending IO with concepts like restorative justice, social justice, and DEAI (diversity, equity, access, and inclusion) work and equipping institutions with solid grounding to change their cultures to be more inclusive! Interestingly, even though I have never wanted to work for myself, I began imaging my company and it's offerings. It was funner than I thought! I don't think I would go there right away, but it seems like a more palatable possibility now.

This means going back to school, getting a Masters of Science, taking statistics and research methods classes, I am both excited and scared about this! I started digging into some online curriculum and the excitement is mounting, this is a good sign. Another secondary reason for the shift in work is to consider more economically viable options in the future, something that had really not played a role in my decision making up until this point. It's weird to think about working in human resources, but I am really determined to make the change I want to see in the world, and get paid to do it. There is so much I have to learn about systemic oppression and how it is perpetuated in science, I would like to build on my career thus far in informal science education and expand it.

So that is where I landed at the end of this decade of a year! As it turns out, most applications for the fall of 2021 were due this month (wth), so I might be a little more delayed in starting a program than I anticipated. This might actually turn out to be ok because I want to lay some ground work- I have only taken a couple of psychology classes, I think I need some intro courses. This is still preliminary, but it's the clearest the path has felt in a while, so am basking in the joy of that for am moment before the next leg of the journey begins. Now I have to do more research on classes, scholarships, and find some mentors.

I hope you are doing good and finding the time to elucidate your goals. 

EXPECT GREAT THINGS FROM 2021. 

New Frontiers on Sullen Soil

¡Salutations!

It's wild to see that it's been this long since I have posted, my my how four years can fly. It is true what they say that the older you get the faster time seems to go. I think especially now, with events transpired in the decade that was twenty twenty that sentiment is particularly spot on. For new friends & comrades, this blog is a place for updates and reflections on life, mostly for me to have a record but also for interested parties to stay a little more up to date than a single foto can provide.

My last post 4 years ago was quite melancholy, reflective, and slightly morose if not on brand hopeful. I had started a few posts between now and then, but never finished them for one reason or another. There is a bit of a lesson to learn from this, the enemy of productivity can be perfection- or procrastination. At any rate, here we are and I am determined to give it to y'all in one go. Thank you to my friend for the reminder of the existence of this blog as a mechanism to communicate with friends near and far. I also do quite enjoy them as seances with former self. Sometimes ya just need a little spark to light you up, here we go!

The year is coming to a close, and what a year it's been. Since last I wrote my career has taken an unexpected but inspiring turn and the future in this realm of life is looking big and bright. It has been surreal for me to have good news in the last six months- but oh so welcomed. I was selected as a Community Science Fellow with the Association of Science and Technology Centers in Washington DC- a fellow at an association is a wild & unfamiliar thing! When I share it with folks, I generally get blank stares, like "that's nice... but what does it mean, exactly?", a totally reasonable reaction. Even now 6 months into it I have a hard time describing it succinctly- a glaring indication of the immaterialness of academically oriented pursuits. I don't wholly believe in this, which is why I am considering a PhD (more on that in a moment), but do feel it is an pervasive and damaging association. Something I am hoping to make some strides towards dismantling through my efforts, that is to say figuring out ways academic folks can be more accessible and relevant to people who are not. 

Anywho- my work life consists of working remotely from home doing research and interviews and meeting about these things. I am working with a team building a framework for understanding how communities can work with science practitioners (formal and informal) to advance their priorities (relating to education, environment, quality of life, etc). For me, this incarnation is a natural evolution of the trajectory so far, with the general career ethos being science as a force for good in communities. This fellowship is a temporary appointment that ends in Fall 2021, so that means I am using the time to plot my next endeavor! 

At this moment in time I am seriously considering pursuing a Doctor of Philosophy in Industrial Organizational Psychology with a focus on social justice systems in informal science education. What a mouthful! Basically- I want to focus on how to affect change from the inside, with an ultimate goal of working at the National Science Foundation. We will see how this thinking evolves in the coming months, lot's more research to be done and conversations to be had. One important thing I am looking for in a program is for it to be fully or partially funded! No more debt for this honey kitten. I love learning and hope I can continue to magnify my impact on this roller coaster. And that's all I have to say about that.

In other news, I am trying out a year of sobriety! This came about as a process I usually undertake during my birthday wherein I set a goal that I want to accomplish in the following year. Usually they are health focused, it's kind of like my own new years resolution, but with a great likelihood of accomplishment. This year I was just feeling an urgency to be present and was sort of starting to feel the wear of fifteen or so years of no full break to speak of. Reactions to this when I tell folks have been really interesting to me, something in that is telling of the relationship people have with intoxication generally. Some people have gone on to be defensive or explain their own decisions around this and others have been like good luck! Both of those are a bit bewildering to me because my choices are not a judgement value on you and I don't see it as a question of luck, it's just something I am going to do. I get it though- it's a goal for a reason and the connotations and associations with this one in particular are unavoidable. 

Overall it goes very well. Some of the most obvious changes are around an increase in my motivation levels. These fall in three general categories: activity, reading, and diet. I am more active now than I have ever been in my life, daily I am walking around 4-5 miles and ride my bike for 10 miles. On the weekends I try to do more of both. As a part of my goal I also cut back on social media- not a complete hiatus but am using more sporadically to try to focus attention on other things. Part of the rationale for this was not wanting to "trade addictions" and partially I was tired of the scrolling hamster wheel. I do love the photography and sharing aspects of it but I uninstall the app every time I post to avoid the pitfall of constant checking. Whatever works! As a result I am reading more, every morning after some lemon water and a brisk walk I curl up with my pups and a periodical, and I just finished a novel after a long time (highly recommend The Parable of The Sower by Octavia Butler- damn!). Diet wise, as part of the kick off to my goal I did a cleanse and that has been a nice transition into paying more attention to what I put in my body. It's generally meant eating less overall and consuming more things like fruits, veggies, nuts, and bone broth and less refined grains. Good times.

I have a partner now! A profoundly different life from the loneliness of the previous years posts. It's been a big change for me- I have grown A LOT in this realm, my partner has really helped me confront some of the darker more selfish parts of self and through choked up tearful conversations led to some vulnerable and exposed moments of watershed growth. He is very handsome, kind, smart, and motivating. It hasn't been a totally smooth ride (as is expected) but I am very appreciative of him and his family in my life. Especially during this heck of a year! There is a warmth and great big love shared that rivals any other I have had in my life kin to my own kin. We currently live with his parents in a lovely caring if not sometimes chaotic space- my life is filled with love, thoughtful conversation, good meals shared, and sweetness and I am so grateful all the time.

Also: great puppies, kitties, a momentary tortoise, a couple parakeets, and I get plenty of beach time, which is important to me. Been digging on the following tunes: Pixels by Mimicking Birds (always that nostalgia to little sorrows), my future by Billie Eilish (cause i love my self present & future- also check out her new video therefore I am!), Boats & Birds by Gregory and the Hawk (i live to let you shine).

I think that's all I have to say for now. I have been trying to write more cards and letters so if you are interested in staying in touch that way I welcome it.  It's wonderful to receive a tangible token of friendship during these socially distant times, low pressure. Let me know if you are interested!

Until next time, friends and fiends: expect great things.

Post haze induced alternate reality AKA everyday life

Salutations,

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and even now I am writing because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment.

You spend a lot of time thinking about self improvement and any non-working towards that goal or in some way or another being productive moment feels like an insult to the grace that decided you should be here with us today. 

Much of it is folly. Or error, or pain and misjudgment. 

But thankfully, not most of it. Most of it is beauty and kindness and a mystic type of striving. If I was bubbling up because I thought I had something to say, then I would just say it and be done with it. I am slowly realizing that life is the accomplishment of all of the moments, it is the wholeness you can bring to your own existence. In the silence and spare moments when you are alone with yourself, and these moments happen a lot with me these days, there is a space for reflection. For me, the pool is crystalline and clear, and muddy the moment I take a step in, pool's all like I am for reflection! Not swimming! 

Oops.

I turn thirty four this month and I'd be lying if I said this fact has made me more contemplative, because that is a way of life for me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not in a relationship, and so instead of worrying about what the other person is thinking, or how much I am yearning for an affair, or where to have date night this Friday I am thinking about me.

Me me me. All the time. 

Of course it's not in a selfish sort of way, though that happens too, more recently the thoughts have been focused on my career. Where to go from here, as I am approaching my pupa stage, I yearn for clarity in terms of what the future will hold for this little butterfly... Moreover, realizing I am increasingly lose a grip I never had on my dating life, I feel perhaps my energy would be better suited in advancing that which I have dedicated so much time to. The truth is, as much as I want to be inspired and motivated to make art, I can't really rally enough resolve around that to make it seem worth while as often as I would like, anyway. Inspiration is also not as easy to manage.

That is interesting. Two things I really want (love and inspiration) are out of my hands. How shitty. I guess, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's an ultimate kind of test  of my resilience. Well universe, that is just fine. I am focusing on things I can control. Everything else can let be sorted out on it's own. When and if it does. I got bigger plans for me right now. I can't dwell or be caught up in the what ifs or the could have been's, or heck, even the I wish they were's. 

What does it mean to better oneself?

To me, there is a direct correlation between a life well lived and public service. But obviously it should be fun, and perhaps lucrative public service (am I crazy to even dream such a thing?). Maybe. I am pushing towards something, I don't know what that ism but I know I am not there yet.

Will I die some day? The answer is yes. You and everyone you know will all be dead some day. You do not know when that day will be unless you decide to do it yourself. There are some truths that are true of all of us.

You could be better. Whatever you are doing, there is someone who'll likely could do it better than you could. And, that person is likely not very far away from you.

Could you for a second imagine expressing your self to it's fullest potential? I have fantasies of it sometimes. Flirty, ethereal fantasies that tingle with meaning and dance at the tip of my tongue. Am I throttling full force to unabashed mediocracy? Will I recognize the difference? Is this not, the life best lived? With all of my heart and intention and feeling.

What is it about love? What is it about passion and esteem, about being charming and charmed?

I can describe a sweetness, I can tell you about the texture of a ripe peach, flesh slightly fuzzy and soft between your finger tips. I can regale you with sensuous stories about the juice, squishy and rolling down your chin. Sticky and refreshing.

But, I don't know much about passion these days. My experiences recently have been with feeble roots (if any at all).

We stir stir stir the pot.

The aromatic spices gather their impetus and exhaust their options. Into the air, away, away! In the nostrils of another, in the nostrils of our selves.

Over all, I am doing pretty well. Romantic entanglements notwithstanding.

Crafting, plotting, sitting, breathing, rocking, melting, spinning, sweating, gyrating, smiling, laughing, piercing, giggling, texting, watching, listening, picking, taking, giving, looking, cutting, cooking, lighting, thinking, watering, hoping, moving, crushing,  sneaking, and generally having a good time.

Till next time honey bunnies, expect good things.

Ain't it Or No? Stories of inching towards utpopia

Salutations y'all!

Let me talk to you about dating. 

I feel like I have enough conversations about this in a sort of cursory and peripheral way often and I hardly ever feel satisfied with both my answers to questions and my ability to really express what it feels like and how I react to it.

I complain about the dating scene in Portland a lot. Whenever anyone brooches the subject you can practically countdown to my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and my jabbering jaw flapping up a storm about how weird it is, how it's sideways racist, and how it can't be just me. I would also have to be as quick to admit that I am part of the problem. 

Take last night for example, I went on a date with this chap named Logan. It was one of the most intense workdays in recent history, co-hosting a webinar, 4 and a half hours of back to back meetings, thinking about my goals for the year, submitting an article. Literally, my brain was on high power mode for like 10 hours straight. After that I went straight to meet up with a friend for tacos, as soon as my ass slid onto the seat my mouth was sputtering out the words, cheap ass red please (that's it's name on the menu, swear). After coming clean with my friend about how my brain was slightly comatose, we hung out drank wine and ate tacos. When I got home, I kept drinking and watched some Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, but I was a little restless. Do you ever feel like that after a really brain heavy day, like you can't actually compose proper thoughts but you can't help but ramming your remaining functioning brain cells against the wall. 

So I hit this guy up that I had been having a little bit of back and forth with (more on that later) over OK Cupid and checked to see if he wasn't busy, turned out he wasn't and he was interested in getting a little spontaneous. I suggested we meet at a bar close to me. Now, this was possibly the last drip of functionality I would be able to muster that day. Under no normal circumstances would it have been a good idea to go on a date, I can't imagine I would have been anything but ridiculous. My conversation would be non sequitur, I have no idea if I even could be able to finish sentences or make any sense at all. I wasn't mentally disabled or anything, I was just really exhausted. I wonder what that poor dude thought of me afterwards? Maybe I am being a little harsh on myself, but I really don't think I was a very compelling figure sitting before him.

I guess my point is that, even though I knew I wouldn't be my best self, I still made a choice to go out and meet this guy. This sentiment isn't a new one for me, I found myself explaining the experience of a first date as generally staying low and not making a big investment mentally. 

What the heck!?

Even though I intellectually can appreciate the contradiction in this MO, I feel like I am genuinely doing the best I can. I am generally pretty honest and straight forward about not paying much attention, or about how I didn't read your profile or how I won't likely remember anything that we talk about. Recently I went on a date with someone and it was the first time I had actually seen the guy sober in daylight and I remember thinking, "Oh, that's not how I pictured him". They just happen too often, if I was to really dedicate all the energy that is required to get to know someone I would be totally drained.

I feel like I am a bit at a loss at this point. My attitude is kinda nasty these days. If a guy doesn't demonstrate and eagerness to want to get to know me and show me that he is physically attracted to me right away I begin to become disinterested fairly quickly and then it's hard to get me back. I think though this makes sense to me, I wonder about those connections that take a little longer to develop, and about dudes who have different ways of demonstrating their affections. I don't know, but I feel like I am so deprived of chivalrous sentiment and such time honored courtship rituals such as a guy asking a girl out that I really have gotten kind of grumpy and sour about the whole thing.

I guess I could just stop, but that feels wrong to me. It feels like I am not doing my part to make it happen, even though I know that is silly. I did stop recently for a few months and while I will admit I felt a certain calmness about not having to be so active in my search and constantly being judged or having to (in some ways at least) and felt at peace with my solitude more. I can't deny that I want to be in a loving, good, quality relationship, and not at least opening up some channels to make that more likely to happen makes me feel worse, I think.

All the dishes rattle in the cupboard when the elephants arrive, I want to love you madly!

On the other hand, I ain't stressing.

In some deep recess of my mind, I feel like I believe that it won't be so hard when I do fall in love and it's right. I will just know and things will just make sense, not to say that I won't ever argue with that person or that there won't ever be any problems, but it will be a special kind of easy. The kind of effort that feels worth making and the kind of touch that electrifies every part of your body, that sort of sweetness that melts your heart and softens you up in ways you didn't know were possible.

But, who knows how or when, till then and in between time my kittens, expect great things.  

Use Your Words

[Salutations]

Do you believe in fate?

I don't. I believe in my will, I believe in circumstances and things that happen and don't happen. I think it's all related, in a physical way and in a causal way, bullets ricochet off buildings in drug deals that feed our habits in one way or another.  Blinds drawn so we don't have to see how the ins and outs are broken down and reconstructed in tent cities across town. Blatant vagrant tendency, hideous display of humanity, but the truest. 

I had the thought today that maybe too many thoughts can cause growing pains in the mind. Isn't that funny? As if consciousness was an muscle that could be worked out and refined and made stronger.

Hey babe, check out my swo grey matter. what chu think?!

Ha!

With all your beautiful memories, and your misspent youth. If you could just babble forever and people actually cared what would you say? Delicate interwoven in all the fabric, joyous and raucous, simple sometimes but usually ecstatic and conspiring with the universe. Do you feel soft as silk sometimes, pliable and malleable, drinking in the complexity and nuance permeating the dew drop drapes of our existence. There really is no point in living if you don't hold your head up high, you stand for everything, continually falling out of favor with the people who float by unwittingly. A smile spread like butter across my face, a sweetness spilling out of me I can't help. And I don't want to, I want to give it to you. 

Feeding you feeds me.

Why does life appear more interesting when it's happening in slow motion?

Could you picture yourself as a monument? Could you ever imagine that your life might be worthy enough to remember? Enough to broadcast? 

Differences measured so close to our skin, I don't see how we'll get anywhere at all, and yet, I still quiver. I still shake with the prospect of frution, what can I hope for? Breathing in cutting through the air and making way for my own place, my own needs. Letting go of any attachments, but unable to relinquish control even if imaginary. Somewhere it's possible that an action I have taken has brought me closer to that light.

When I think of you I imagine an understanding, peaceful presence. I can get worked up sometimes, in spite of everything, because of everything. There I not left a stone unturned. 

I miss the places I have been, and sometimes at night I think of places, people, memories. Kissing friends in basements, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, drinks on wooden porches, cicadas (so loud), southern thunderstorms like no other, lots of gravestones, bodies of water, bodies of flesh, and some cobble streets, horse carriages included. I am blessed with resolution, and some healthy mother fucking drive. The potential is scary, and I don't yet look it in the eye. I am not averting my gaze, but there are somethings I can't quite set my sights on alone.

Things I yearn for. Things I want to be good at.

 

I remember Piccalilli lunches with my mom after shopping outings. We would grab our trays and silverware saying hello to the attendant. We would dutifully greet every server, as everyone we would encounter in our journey, except for the older creepy gentleman. Manners are important.

As we made our way down we would choose meal components that appealed to us. In the beginning was the salad, I rarely started my culinary journey here, but sometimes I would feel like being healthy (even if it was drenched in dressin). Anyway my mom would sometimes get the gelatin salad at this point, the thing was though that she would eat it for dessert. In my little mind, this always seemed like cheating to me. Like she cold choose her desert before anyone else. It was silly!

Then came the protein mom went for the fish 9 out of 10 times. Fish always seemed like the thing you would go out for. I liked the meatloaf mostly, but some other ones I can't remember too. Truly I mostly remember the sides, Mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes with little pools of gravy in the center. The jalapeño cornbread sticks. The fruit punch that later evolved to iced tea. We would always personally greet the cashier. They issued you a receipt and then you would hold onto it until you left, then you would present it to the exit cashier. My mom and I liked to hit the booths, sometimes the lights would be out and we would have to choose an alternate. We would sit and chat about things, people at church, crazy families members or something I was going through at school. My mom is by far and away the most negative person I know. I have been a ray of sunshine for as long as I can remember. Maybe positivity for me is a way to tell the rest of the world to man the fuck up. Like, really? You think your shit is bad why don't you wake up and smell the cow manure because lifestyle causes suffering all around the world.

I am not saying it does mean that all the time, just that it's possible that it is saying that sometimes.

I deal with change by subjugating it.

There is a constant opinion that I could walk away at any moment, I kind of believe it too.

I just want to tell you everything so you'll understand me, I just want to bare my bones so you can lick them.

I'm too earnest to expect anything back from you, the best surprises are those connections that rise to the top.

I'll walk away from here with more than a few, I am sure.

I'm sure I'll walk away from here.

Until next time, sweet sweet pussycats, expect great things...

The tippy tops of the pines, all along the horizon

Salutations friends & countrymen!

The spring is in full throttle before us and in Portland the shift in weather has created a palpable frenetic joy among the town folk, myself included. The beginning of the year 2016 has felt really busy and spilling over the sides of capacity, something that while uncomfortable in the moment, has it's value in terms of fomenting growth. 

April seemed like a good time to check in with y'all, the last time I wrote I was in the midst of some significant self imposed challenges to my personal status quo. Now I have completed those challenges and wanted to take a moment to reflect both on the meanings of the challenges and the implications of completing them.

The first challenge was to stop drinking alcohol for six months, and that was a birthday resolution. Every year, on my birthday I decide to make a change that has either been difficult for me to realize in my life or that will insert a bit of flux in my day to day in a meaningful way. This challenge fell in the latter category, and one of my biggest take aways from the process has been how interesting folk's reactions were. People always seemed quite curious as to why I was undertaking such an endeavor and would often either not be satisfied with my response or say something about how they would never be able to do that. I think people (especially friends) were impressed and supportive as well, something that coupled with accountability definitely did a good job of egging me on. 

I thought about it and how it was affecting my life experience mostly every day of the challenge, in varying degrees. For example, if I was out at a restaurant having dinner I would think about what beverage I would prefer to be having instead of a non-alcoholic alternative. Or if I was driving home past a nice outdoor patio on a sunny day I would day dream of what that would feel like and look forward to a time when I would be able to do it again.

Self imposed restrictions are funny things. Of course I can do whatever the heck I want, and a few times I thought what if I sneak a drink, no one will ever know. It's amusing to me, the thought no one will ever know because that's not the point and because it is a suggestion from myself to myself regarding something I have decided to do. Ever since watching Pixar's film Inside Out I have been more and more aware of of these internal dialogues and trying to isolate where the different thoughts are coming from. Different mental sections and factions guiding faculties awry. We wage little battles inside of ourselves everyday, and every day we are both the victor and the spoils.

With not drinking, I would say the biggest joy I derived was from successfully completing the challenge. In some respects I had no doubts, and in others I was equally as curious as everyone else as to whether I would in fact complete it. This is another notch in my will power belt, something that can always use strengthening and moral support.

Coming back into it now I definitely think I want it to play a different role in my life, mostly be less present and more special. Drinking is a super fun activity and a really useful stress reliever, but it can only be one of the options and not one that is without it's own set of repercussions. So I think I am more mindful of those now that I have been without, plus I sound more convincing to myself when I say you can do this.

Wee! 

Also, holy crap! I am 33 1/2!! Hahah, that probably was my other take away, time goes really quickly and faster as you age. Here we are!

The other challenge was to stop the Internet dating, and that was an uncharacteristic New Year's resolution. Originally the goal was to cut it off by three months, then my friend convinced me to make it four months so that one month of drinking would overlap with a month of not online dating. The purpose of that ostensibly was to see what the romantic bar scene was like in Portland. Whatever the point was I caved and kept to my original intention of three months, so I just signed up for Tinder again in the last days of March.

Anyone who knows me knows that those two things in particular (drinking and dating) are things that took up a not insignificant amount of my free time, so giving them up was an intentional and almost brash choice to shake it up.

The reason I decided to get back on, aside from not being excited at the prospect of meeting guys at bars, was that I was getting bored. How do people meet people?!?! There was no one at work that was not already spoken for, and no friends of friends were speaking to me in that special kinda way.

When I began thinking about signing on to online dating again I started getting anxious, especially thinking about the Ok Cupid scene. The idea of writing out my profile and pouring over the profiles of others in search for relevant nuggets and cute faces made me feel a little revolted. In the end I decided that I would do a "soft opening" and go with just the tinder. It felt low key enough and would not take up a considerate amount of time and could plug in easily in my evenings of tea and Star Trek (needless to say that the #startrekandtinder hashtag has not taken off).

Similar to the booze, I was pleased to have a break from it, and pleased to get back into it. I have a date today for the first time in the last three months, it's totally still fun and exciting and a little bit dreadful. I have changed my attitude towards the whole process to be more casual, not more casual in my ultimate intention, which is to be in a serious LTR, but more causal in my approach. I make myself available, and I am responsive, but I am trying to not put too much of myself out there and to not take anything personally. We'll see how it goes. Already I am giddy and inspired and having all sorts of sweet day dreams, romantic connection is something that is core to the fruition of my humanity, I can't deny that. I also realize that I have little control over that happening, and all I can do is my best at realizing all of those aspects that don't require being paired off. 

I have been cultivating friendships, looking into more hobbies, exploring my geography, jumping on trampolines, and eating waffles.

It's pretty OK. 

:)

Till next time gentle reader, expect great things.

Tear me up, tear me down.

Salutations,

I feel like I keep begining these posts with apologies for not posting more, but I am going to stop doing that and take more of the Gandalf approach (a wizard arrives just when he means to).

That said, how've you been?! It's been a while. ;)

I'm a solid pretty ok. Plenty of business, ups, and downs.

We are, all of us, oceans and oceans. I had this thought the the other day while a dentist chatted with the dental assistance about his upcoming Italian vacation. While he was complaining about how his neighbor was going to be in the same town during his vacation, I was swimming in my depths. "Can you believe it? Same week!" 

What does it mean to be a deep person? How do I know that my thought patterns or habits are unique or particularly profound if I have never had any other perspective? I think that there are different ways of thinking, that's for sure, and I think that some people don't do it as much.

I ask a lot of questions, of others and myself. I feel like am always pushing at my mental comfort zone, with mixed results. There are somethings that preoccupy me and these things shift, it is interesting to see how as I age. I feel more confident, but still like I am seeking, I wonder if that will ever change. In some ways I am eager for that and in others I feel like it is the beginning of death. I wonder how my presence affects those around me, I want to make the space and people around me positive and cheerful. I feel like it's the least I can do to earn my keep in the cosmic melange. 

I quit online dating for the new year, it's been about a month now and I thought maybe I'd give you an update on what that's been like. Like quitting the drinking (I did that for six months on my birthday last year) it's been pretty interesting to quit something that I relied on so heavily. I was spending a lot of time searching and browsing with little images on a screen, which yielded plenty of "results" in the way of keeping me busy meeting lots of boys. It was not, however, yielding the kinds of results I was seeking, namely falling madly in love forever and ever. Ironically, despite this preoccupation I have never considered myself to be someone who was defined by having a partner. It's just something I wanted, and if I ever wanted something I would do everything in my power to make sure I got it. 

Turns out relationships (especially the kinds worth having) don't follow this  logic, I can't just make Mr. Right manifest because I want him, or because I feel my loins are all ready for a dog, and small house, and a garden. That was one of the most terrifying parts of cutting the internet dating umbilical cord, I was relinquishing what little, imaginary control I had over the situation.

(Thanks Caro, for this nugget!)

I miss things like the attention from cute boys and the constant juggling of suitors, I must admit there was something appealing of filling up the agenda with people names. Sometimes up to three different ones in a week, you have to write it down to keep it straight! But it gets old and I recognize that ultimately the kind of attention that I am seeking is not the kind that comes from a person that doesn't actually know me, it is the kind from someone who is familiar with both my strengths and faults. The kind of attention that love, comfort, and familiarity bring with.

I have also felt a little more calm and peaceful, like I am never tying to impress anyone and I am living simply but as best I can. In general I would say that I have been less preoccupied but more open to having something find me. I am still. Fine Universe, do whatever you want. See what I care.

I am going to Florida next week! It's my mom's 60th birthday and I am flying over to spend it with her. I am happy to see my folks. My mom doesn't usually make a big deal out of birthdays, but I wonder if she will for this one. Like, I wonder how she is prepared psychologically for turning to new decade. I worry about her not being excited or motivated by life, always thinking instead about the glory of the afterlife in the kingdom of god or whatever.

Work is going well. It's been interesting, after the salaried position became mine I now view work in a different way. I feel more dedicated than I had before, which I think has both it's benefits and its drawbacks. My day to day is not glamorous, but that's ok. I am sure someday I will be fawning for it as I now do my days of barista ing.

If you could be anything you want, you'd be disappointed am I right?

I am trying to cultivate my Portland friendships, but for whatever reason I am not interested in being the one who reaches out. I feel I am really good at saying yes to things, but I go through fits where I don't want to be the one initiating. It's kind of silly, but whatever. I don't mind the alone time so much anyway.

Alright. I feel I have more thoughts and opinions about all the above things, but am too pooped to elaborate any further. Maybe talk or write to me if you want to know more. 

Until next time cowgirls, expect great things..

Is your skull flexible?

Salutations!

The year is coming to a close and I am celebrating my second year at OMSI, it's crazy to me that it's been so long. In some ways it still feels really new.

In other news, I am still single, which seems strange to me, but it's true.

I try to get out to the coast as much as I can.

Here is a story I did for my writing club. It's kinda long but I liked it and found it helpful and therapeutic to write. :)

It's not super edited, and there is a lot of sort of subtle hints of my feelings and thoughts sprinkled throughout. 

I just ate a whole chocolate bar. 

Woah.

-----–-------------------------------------------------

Chapter One, The Girl and The Sea

She swam across such a wide, turquoise expanse, her little arms growing wearier by the stroke. It was early morning, she could tell from the way the sun peeked through the the curtain of darkness, sparkly streaks of dawn littering the sky like broken shards of mirror scattered across the sidewalk. She imagined the world of old, ritual dances and sacred shamans, there was no place for that now. There was just water now, invading the earth with its ruthless but dispassionate will. There is no separation between the earth and the sky, and at any moment we could fall into one from other. Carelessly flapping our wings or stroking our fins in the gray twilight. What matters now?

In the presence of the great love she was left speechless, too young to tell the difference between leviathans and puffer fish. To sink deeply is to know truth in a way that only fires know. To capture the prize, she must pull herself up to the zenith, ah! But the target keeps on changing my dears! Tis noble to practice sweet surrender because you'll never know when it will come in handy. In the back of her mind she believed true love to be eternal, and equally, though perhaps more unfortunately, also unrecognizable.

She remembered a place she never knew, and her mind travelled to it, she was standing in the kitchen, blue gingham curtains and wooden, uneven floor boards. She reached a glass from the cupboard and set it in the counter. She opened the drawer and  grabbed a short stubby spoon and out of another cupboard she pulled down a cylindrical container with the caricature of a young blonde woman on it. Opening it she scooped out two heaping spoonfuls of brown powder into the glass and then grabbed some milk from the fridge and poured it into the cup. 

She stirred.

I will move my pawn to block your bishop, she thought, opening her eyes slightly squinting at the increasing sunlight. She bobbed in the water, loosing the stamina she imagined she possessed. The water was salty, she licked her lips and couldn't tell her spit from sea water, she pushed on up and down in constant fluid motions, arching her back and slipping in and out of thought.

She thought of him, bright light in her world. Fourth of July type of bright, singing angels kind of light. The past makes for good recollection, in times of dry good thoughts like mana rain down from a yet to be identified nether region of the brain. The sweetness, she thought she dare not repeat to any one, except for the person that inspired it. Who knows how things are meant to play out? Futures are written in real time.

All of a sudden, she noticed a metallic shimmer some hundred yards away, what could it be she though, all the way out here? And she swam cautiously towards it.

Chapter two, The King and the Coral Castle

King Symon set down his trident for a moment, looked at Calliope straight in the eye and said "you just can't trust everyone you know, sometimes things and most people aren't all that they seem".  She nodded as if she understood precisely what he meant but was really actually intently focused on devouring the rest of the salt water whiskey bonbons she had been presented only a few moments ago. She took a big swig of  peach lemonade from a cobalt blue glass goblet and thought this was probably the strangest day of her whole life. Never in a million years would she have imagined that the metallic shimmer she had encountered while swimming a mere hours ago would have turned out to be a door to an underwater kingdom. Even less so that its denizens would have been so friendly and that she would be taken to meet the king at once, all the way being fed delicious treats after she had been dried off and fashioned with new clothes just her size. King Symon was an enormous sunfish, so fat he had to be propped up on his side by pillows, atop his dorsal fin was perched a golden crown made of bright red and yellow coral. He looked earnest and kind, if not somewhat deluded,"The true nature of things, the purest and most real form," he went on "is directly in correlation with their ability to be perceived not as they are, but as we imagine them to be". Calliope couldn't really understand what the king was talking about, how could something not be what it was unless it was seen? He kept talking despite her confused looks, or perhaps because of them, "complacency is the mind killer, the soul that bathes in drudgery shall never shine, mental mediocracy is an intolerable crime". As he talked she imagined his flesh turning greener than the inside of a ripe avocado, and she had to look away to keep from giggling at the thought.

She looked around at the Kings court and examined the hodgepodge of characters all performing unique and seemingly meaningless tasks. A sea horse in knight armor stood in the corner twirling a huge staff, a trio of hermit crabs dressed in geisha costumes were fanning themselves feverishly, a pair of lion fish with top hats and monocled peering at her sheepishly, blowing bubbles out of toy pipes fashioned out of shells. It didn't really seem as if anyone had any real thing to do, but they all seemed utterly consumed by the things they were doing. She glanced up to the ceiling of the cavern and there was a giant octopus with angler fish gripped at each of the eight tentacles. This place is pretty odd, Calliope thought, "and as I was saying, the veil to reality will only be lifted by relinquishing our adherence to habit and mediocracy", when she looked back at him she realized that was the concluding sentence and she was being ushered out to great hallway by the seahorse Knights. "Be well my dear!" The king called out at her, "remember to lift the veil!"

The heavy coral doors closed behind her and she found herself alone in a great hallway with many doors.

Chapter Three, The Door behind which Time Stood Still

As Calliope walked down the long hallway she marveled at the different types of doors, wooden ones with paint chipping off, huge slate grey steal ones, smaller ones lined with actual rose petals that seemed to be throbbing as she passed by. She was thinking about which door to try first and if she had to stick with the door she chose or if she would be able to return, she wondered how deep each one of these doors went and if there were interesting creatures to meet on the other side. She came upon a door that seemed to be made entirely out of the wings of blue morpho butterflies, and if her eyes weren't playing tricks on her, which was entirely possible considering the state of things, the wings were moving though the door seemed to be completely stationary. This place defied all the logic she came with and she remembered the Kings advice to not trust anything, and that reality was actually a matter of habit. She kept walking past doors of all sorts and stopped in front of a door that comprised almost entirely of locks, she searched for a knob and finally found one disguised as a lock with a false front. She held on to it, it felt smooth and cold in her hand, she tugged at it and pushed it slightly till she determined that it would turn if she wanted it to. She stood back and looked behind her, the hallway was still completely desolate, she debated internally and decided to go for a door that was to the left of the lock door. This one was made of a glowing screen where an image of a white picket fence was being projected on repeat as if one was running past it in a car, she turned the brass knob and peeked inside. 

Inside the room was a single round white table with one small wooden chair next to it. Above the table there was a black lightbulb hanging, the light was not on so Calliope couldn't tell what color it was. The room was purple, there appeared to be velvet wallpaper on the walls and she thought it was empty until she saw a pair of clownfish hiding underneath the table, "hello?" she said as more of a question than a statement. One of the clownfish came out from under the table and said, "oh, hello, pardon me, I didn't see you come in" he helped the other clownfish up from the floor " also, most people knock before coming in to someone's house" said the other clownfish. "My name is Charles, and this is Veronia", Veronia curtsied "how may we be of service?" "Oh, I am sorry about barging in, I don't really know the customs around here. I was just talking to the king, and before that I was swimming for a long time, and I am dreadfully tired. But, won't you please tell me why you were both under the table?" 

"Well," Charles said, "you see, there is only one seat at the table, and Veronia and I really want to be together, so we decided it would be best if we both sat underneath the table." Calliope was confused, "Can't you just get another chair?" she asked. "You can't just go out and get another chair deary", Veronia said, "these things take time to make, and there are many other folks who have no chairs at all, we mustn't be greedy, besides, the floor is rather cozy and we prefer to leave the chair open for guests." They stared at each other blankly for a few moments and then started to speak at the same time, "would you like to sit down?" and "I guess I'll be going now" stumbled out at once. "Very well then, have a good day" Charles said quickly and she found her self in the hall way again.

Well, at least now she knew she wasn't stuck in the door she chose, she thought. She went back to the doors with the locks on it, hmm, steam punky a bit, isn't it she thought. She twisted the knob, opened the door, and went inside. Inside the room there was a large wicker basket, big enough to hold five people, attached to it were ropes that hung from the ceiling. Calliope looked around the room and saw no one, she climbed into the basket and all of a sudden the door shut and the ceiling opened up to blue skies and an enormous bright red hot air balloon over head. The hot air balloon took off and Calliope found herself soaring high above the country side. "How is it possible that I am flying over the countryside in a hot air balloon, inside of a castle, under the sea?" She thought. She looked up again and this time the balloon was actually a man o war jellyfish with bright purple tentacles wrapped around what she now realized was a basket made of seaweed, not wicker. The jellyfish whispered to her sweetly, "Time does not cross that threshold," pointing with a shimmering tentacle to the lock door below "where you are now, you are still. Nothing happens or does not happen here. There is pause from the great hurried ness of existence."

Calliope sat for a moment taking it all in, not just the fact that she was in basket made of seaweed being talked to by a giant jelly fish floating over who knows where, but all of it, her day, her week, her whole life. She thought about all the bliss and suffering of the world, the sleepless nights and all the yearning in the thousands of beating hearts that ache for a place to call home. She felt surprisingly peaceful at once and all over her, soothing her insides like honey on a sore throat. She looked up at the jelly fish and said "can you take me home?" The jellyfish made a sound kind of like a xylophone being played and said, "no, but I can tell you who can..." There was a long pause. 

"Well, who?"

"Steve" said the jellyfish as it deposited her back into the room and closed the ceiling, "Wait, Steve who?" But before she could finish her sentence the room was back as it was and she was at the front of the lock door.

Chapter Four, Resolution & Red Roses

Calliope was starting to get a little desperate, she couldn't tell where she had come from anymore and all the doors seemed equally as not conducive to finding her way out of this place. While she hadn't really worried about getting home per say, she did want to think it was within her control to decide to do so if she pleased. She started skipping down the hallway, at the end of the way, she saw, in the distance a looming figure. She couldn't really make it out, but she started yelling, "Hey! Hey you!" The figure seemed to rustle a bit with acknowledgement but didn't respond. By the time Calliope finally made it to the figure, she was out of breath. The huge creature turned around and faced her, she bristled at the figure's imposing sleek features and toothy grin, he said "Hello there, so nice to see one of your kind. What brings you to these parts". 

She decided now was not the time for truth, "I am on a secret mission" she said "I have come to find myself, but first I must speak to Steve".  The creature shook its broad head, "Steve is out to lunch" he said, "but he should be back soon, tell me about finding yourself. Why is it a secret?"

"I was on my way somewhere," Calliope said, "but then I took a wrong turn and I got lost. It's a secret because I pretend all the things I do are purposeful, and then I believe it so I have a happy life, because I agree with all my choices"

"So why bother to look for yourself then?" Said the hammerhead, "won't you just be as happy if you keep pretending?"

"No, the second something is no longer a choice then I can't pretend to exercise agency, and it's ruined. Where did Steve go for lunch?"

"I think he went out for a burrito at the truck just outside, he really likes the spicy carrots there. Hey, that makes sense what you said, about pretending your options are real and making the best out of life by accepting the consequences of your actions. I like that". 

"Thanks" said Calliope "I learned it a long time ago."

"Well, you can take a seat here and wait for Steve. My name is Herman, I paint the roses red."

"I am Calliope, nice to meet you".

All this time, she thought it was the orca whales, not sharks who were responsible for the red roses.

I guess you can't believe everything you think.

                                       Expect great things!