Salutations.
So says the cover of a journal I purchased in St Augustine, Florida this past summer whilst on a small vacation with my old folks. It was a two day trip with terrible accommodations. It resulted in being pretty lackluster on account of my unwillingness to play the role of tour guide in a town that I didn't know and didn't really care to visit in the first place. Word to the wise: never select a two star hotel, ever. The vacation came on the tails of my fellowship with the Smithsonian, which took up the first 6 weeks of my summer, directly after graduating from the Master's program.
Needless to say I had an intense and not relaxing summer.
Now here I am back home in my lovely Oakland apartment, back to my pretty plants and colorful wall hangings. I love my little apartment because it feels like an extension of me; warm, colorful, homey, and slightly incomplete.
I am back to "figure things out", except there is a certain clarity in as much as I know what it is I want to be doing (working in a museum doing community engagement and/or evaluation) but I am not sure how to get there. Sure, apply for jobs, intern (some more work w/out pay... sure sure, inevitable), volunteer, more applying. It's exhausting. I am gonna go ahead and bitch about feeling overwhelmed, cause I am. I have an underlying understanding that it will all be ok, but it's not right now. So I am going to feel that discomfort for a moment.
Overall, I feel fine. Really.
I see my friends with their babies and my exes with their marriages, and I don't wish I was them, even though sometimes I dwell on the ramifications of other courses of action. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made and am really proud of where I am right now, I got myself here.
I am just a little bit bewildered.
My job is undergoing a lot of changes that I am finding are a little bit difficult to ride a long with. I just stuck my nose into the experience of a co-worker and got burned for my good intentions. It was a sobering lesson in pulling back, which I am not used to, especially there, a place in which I have always felt valued for my openness and point of view. But I have learned that sometimes even if you want to help someone and try to make their situation better, they may not want your help. Furthermore, your unsolicited inquiries and observations can very easily be taken out of context and be made to seem meddlesome. It was one of those things I was so taken aback by, but at the same time it really good learning instance with little actual consequence. Someone as idealistic as I can definitely benefit from those reality checks from time to time. Hey Ivel, people don't always see eye to eye, and despite your best efforts, it's not in your power to make it happen.
SIGH
That is my response to being back and life and everything right now. I want to run away and crawl into a little hole and come out when things are the way they are meant to be. Arguably, of course, going through this is where I need to be, and I just need to man the fuck up and get shit done. I am just tired and feel slightly like I am treading water is all. It's a stage, those pass and we emerge shiny on the other side, I understand.
I get lonely, go on a lot of dates, which while fun does not combat loneliness. Neither do my friends, bless their hearts. I love spending time with friends, but there is something about that old fashioned male partner companionship which I miss. I know I can't rush any of the things that are coming to me (I sure hope) but that doesn't make it any easier to wait for them to happen. Biding my time. Trying to be graceful.
"There's a tangle thread, in my head, with nothing on either end" My Mirror Speaks, Death Cab for Cutie
Yea.
And my car is broken; it costs too much money to fix it.
We are entering my 31st birthday month.... Things are OK, on track pretty much...
No comments:
Post a Comment