I am up in the air

Salutations from twenty four thousand feet.

I'm in a plane. A Q400, on board Alaska Airlines, en route to Portland, Oregon. There is a dad sitting diagonally from me with his baby sleeping on his lap. The baby is cute, blonde wispy locks and bright happy blue eyes. That are now closed as he takes his own flight into dreamland, on board Sandman Airlines. 

The plane is a lot smaller than most any other plane I have boarded. I am sitting in the window aisle, which is not my preferred seating arrangement, but the plane was pretty empty so my aisle seat counterpart moved. Row to myself. I just got some apple juice from the cart service. I had a hankering for orange, but it was coming from one of those concentrate born cartons. Not my style. Apple juice has a certain quaintness to it, doesn't it? I remember one time a long while ago while I was a freshman in college I was hungover or sick (or both) and a friend told me apple juice was good for your tummy in those instances. It's been pretty soothing ever since.

Daddy on the diagonal has a wedding band on, I noticed. I wonder where Mommy is.

The topography is tan and brown and rugged, it reminds me of one of those world globes from grade school. I used run my fingers across the textured surface and try to imagine what life was like in those exotic sounding places like Egypt, Kenya, or Canada. Sometimes I would spin it and close my eyes, press my finger down to one spot to bring it to a stop and pretend I was going to move there.

I wonder if my finger ever traced a path to Portland, Oregon.

As I fly there now, I wonder what life will be like from now on. Or maybe just in the next five years. I wonder about the concept re-inventing oneself. 

Do you think that is possible? Ostensibly we invent ourselves anew each day, or we could. I feel like there is much of my California self I'd like to leave behind. I think overall the latter part of last decade was marked by much tumult, both inwardly and on the outside. No regrets, really, but I am certainly yearning for a change. I am thirty one now, ten years ago I was a completely different person. I am proud of who I have become and hope to use the tools the bumps along the way have equipped me with to build a better me. I guess I am doing that all the time.

What does that look like actually? I think it will require more thoughtful action than reaction. I am pretty determined to keep my youthful approach and mildly savage tendencies, but at the same time I think I am aiming for a more even temperance of character.

Maybe. I am always working on mindfulness, so the result of that is trying to make sure my choices are aligned with my goals. I think even though those are become clearer everyday I don't I always act in a way that leads me closer to them. Sometimes out of habit and sometimes out of convenience.

Daddy keeps looking over. I wonder if I am interesting looking or if he is just bored. I wonder why I always buy Peet's coffee. It always disappoints me. Remind me to never buy Peet's again unless it's an emergency. I am glad, however, that I made that chicken sausage, egg, and cheddar sandwich for the ride over. It was delicious.

We are beginning our decent into my new town.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and don't forget... Until next time, expect great things...

In which a well was dry and overflowed without water

The ground's colorful patchwork.

SALUTATIONS bros!


O me O my, what a life we lead, eh!?
This post spurred by a need to vent (always!) combined by a want to remain current and relevant (are we ever?!).

Coelacanth

I am preoccupied these days with securing an abode, which is proving more a lot more difficult than the land of milk & honey illusions I had nursed in my mind in regards to Portland rentals.

Don't let them fool you kids, it ain't as cheap as it used to be.
Maybe the popular television show "Portlandia" has encouraged flocks of ravaging-gentrifying hipsters, or folks have just been lured there by the weather.. Either way, it seems as if in the same breath I have also been assaulted with an onslaught of comments, articles, and propaganda declaring that Portland's job market is in the shitter, so I am perplexed as to how folks are paying for these expensive ass apartments.
Maybe I am out of touch with reality because I have been paying 750 for a one bedroom in a pretty excellent (sans drive-by's and people pooping outside my front door) apartment in the Bay Area for the last year.
It's a hard to make a call on what neighborhood will win the bidding on account of never having seen the face of the place, that'll change soon enough as I am heading out there on this week. I am so nervous to meet the place I will call home for the forseeable future! It's wild to me that I have made it to the great Pacific Northwest, all the way from just about as South East as you can get. I am happy with my trajectory to date.

Here we go! Hullo Portland, name's Ivel. Nice to meet ya.

Which means of course, my days in the Bay Area are dwindling and that my last day @ the wonderful Julie's Coffee & Tea Garden is soon approaching!! This week I saw "Off Forever" next to my name on the schedule! AAAAHHHHH! Four years and some change of my heart and soul... put to rest. There are so many things I am going to miss, the customers, my co-workers, knowing the flow of my job like the back of my hand, and I don't even want to think about what my coffee/tea bill will look like. It's definitely going to be hard not to make delicious things for people and be active and on my feet all the time for a living. I have felt so much love there; given and received. All of the experiences and people that I have crossed paths with at Julie's will remain a part of my heart forever.

I am supremely looking forward to my new job, so that makes it easier to say goodbye and move on...

Romantically speaking....

Not much to speak of really.

I am fully cognizant that now is liminal and that thinking about trying to start something new is silly, but that don't mean I am any less lonely (both physically and emotionally) all a lot of the time.
Ah well.
I am trying to learn to cope with those feelings in a constructive manner, i/e recognize and identify patterns in my feelings and reasons for my reactions. It is hard! I don't want to start anything because I am lonely, and I also want to be honest and recognize those feelings as valid. I think it's really necessary to make the distinction, I have spent nine of the last ten years in a relationship and at this point I can't really tell what percentage of that I was true to what I really knew I wanted and needed. I have learned how to relate to the world and others in the context of being in a relationship. I am trying to take a step back, be alone, be truly alone, and come back from that place with a better notion of what I want from another human being.
I think I could really benefit from talking to people about their experiences and learning about what they value in their relationships, what mistakes they have made, and how they have reconciled their selfishness with their partners needs. Maybe I should also evaluate my own track record and try to identify my folly, as well as how I plan to grow and change.
I am pretty determined to be a conscientious partner, of my best interest and that of the other. I need to figure out what that means, at the same time I am wary of over thinking things. I think the biggest thing I need to work on is cultivating PATIENCE. I am always in a rush to figure out what things mean, what role someone will play, how they will fit into my life, what their intentions are, etc, right away.
Those things are fine things to consider but there is a place and time to think about them, and when you meet someone, the time is to get to know them.
(!)
So that leaves me with the task of figuring out what things are important for me to know about someone. I think ultimately it will just feel like home. Whatever the fuck that means.

It's a constant figuring it out, ain't it? That's ok... sparkly sin and repeated mistakes make life worth living.

Until next time good people of the earth, expect great things...