In which a well was dry and overflowed without water

The ground's colorful patchwork.

SALUTATIONS bros!


O me O my, what a life we lead, eh!?
This post spurred by a need to vent (always!) combined by a want to remain current and relevant (are we ever?!).

Coelacanth

I am preoccupied these days with securing an abode, which is proving more a lot more difficult than the land of milk & honey illusions I had nursed in my mind in regards to Portland rentals.

Don't let them fool you kids, it ain't as cheap as it used to be.
Maybe the popular television show "Portlandia" has encouraged flocks of ravaging-gentrifying hipsters, or folks have just been lured there by the weather.. Either way, it seems as if in the same breath I have also been assaulted with an onslaught of comments, articles, and propaganda declaring that Portland's job market is in the shitter, so I am perplexed as to how folks are paying for these expensive ass apartments.
Maybe I am out of touch with reality because I have been paying 750 for a one bedroom in a pretty excellent (sans drive-by's and people pooping outside my front door) apartment in the Bay Area for the last year.
It's a hard to make a call on what neighborhood will win the bidding on account of never having seen the face of the place, that'll change soon enough as I am heading out there on this week. I am so nervous to meet the place I will call home for the forseeable future! It's wild to me that I have made it to the great Pacific Northwest, all the way from just about as South East as you can get. I am happy with my trajectory to date.

Here we go! Hullo Portland, name's Ivel. Nice to meet ya.

Which means of course, my days in the Bay Area are dwindling and that my last day @ the wonderful Julie's Coffee & Tea Garden is soon approaching!! This week I saw "Off Forever" next to my name on the schedule! AAAAHHHHH! Four years and some change of my heart and soul... put to rest. There are so many things I am going to miss, the customers, my co-workers, knowing the flow of my job like the back of my hand, and I don't even want to think about what my coffee/tea bill will look like. It's definitely going to be hard not to make delicious things for people and be active and on my feet all the time for a living. I have felt so much love there; given and received. All of the experiences and people that I have crossed paths with at Julie's will remain a part of my heart forever.

I am supremely looking forward to my new job, so that makes it easier to say goodbye and move on...

Romantically speaking....

Not much to speak of really.

I am fully cognizant that now is liminal and that thinking about trying to start something new is silly, but that don't mean I am any less lonely (both physically and emotionally) all a lot of the time.
Ah well.
I am trying to learn to cope with those feelings in a constructive manner, i/e recognize and identify patterns in my feelings and reasons for my reactions. It is hard! I don't want to start anything because I am lonely, and I also want to be honest and recognize those feelings as valid. I think it's really necessary to make the distinction, I have spent nine of the last ten years in a relationship and at this point I can't really tell what percentage of that I was true to what I really knew I wanted and needed. I have learned how to relate to the world and others in the context of being in a relationship. I am trying to take a step back, be alone, be truly alone, and come back from that place with a better notion of what I want from another human being.
I think I could really benefit from talking to people about their experiences and learning about what they value in their relationships, what mistakes they have made, and how they have reconciled their selfishness with their partners needs. Maybe I should also evaluate my own track record and try to identify my folly, as well as how I plan to grow and change.
I am pretty determined to be a conscientious partner, of my best interest and that of the other. I need to figure out what that means, at the same time I am wary of over thinking things. I think the biggest thing I need to work on is cultivating PATIENCE. I am always in a rush to figure out what things mean, what role someone will play, how they will fit into my life, what their intentions are, etc, right away.
Those things are fine things to consider but there is a place and time to think about them, and when you meet someone, the time is to get to know them.
(!)
So that leaves me with the task of figuring out what things are important for me to know about someone. I think ultimately it will just feel like home. Whatever the fuck that means.

It's a constant figuring it out, ain't it? That's ok... sparkly sin and repeated mistakes make life worth living.

Until next time good people of the earth, expect great things...