These Are the Days

of Miracle and Wonder.. -Paul Simon

Salutations.

So says the cover of a journal I purchased in St Augustine, Florida this past summer whilst on a small vacation with my old folks. It was a two day trip with terrible accommodations. It resulted in being pretty lackluster on account of my unwillingness to play the role of tour guide in a town that I didn't know and didn't really care to visit in the first place. Word to the wise: never select a two star hotel, ever. The vacation came on the tails of my fellowship with the Smithsonian, which took up the first 6 weeks of my summer, directly after graduating from the Master's program.

Needless to say I had an intense and not relaxing summer.

Now here I am back home in my lovely Oakland apartment, back to my pretty plants and colorful wall hangings. I love my little apartment because it feels like an extension of me; warm, colorful, homey, and slightly incomplete.

I am back to "figure things out", except there is a certain clarity in as much as I know what it is I want to be doing (working in a museum doing community engagement and/or evaluation) but I am not sure how to get there. Sure, apply for jobs, intern (some more work w/out pay... sure sure, inevitable), volunteer, more applying. It's exhausting. I am gonna go ahead and bitch about feeling overwhelmed, cause I am. I have an underlying understanding that it will all be ok, but it's not right now. So I am going to feel that discomfort for a moment.

Overall, I feel fine. Really.
I see my friends with their babies and my exes with their marriages, and I don't wish I was them, even though sometimes I dwell on the ramifications of other courses of action. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made and am really proud of where I am right now, I got myself here.
I am just a little bit bewildered.

My job is undergoing a lot of changes that I am finding are a little bit difficult to ride a long with. I just stuck my nose into the experience of a co-worker and got burned for my good intentions. It was a sobering lesson in pulling back, which I am not used to, especially there, a place in which I have always felt valued for my openness and point of view. But I have learned that sometimes even if you want to help someone and try to make their situation better, they may not want your help. Furthermore, your unsolicited inquiries and observations can very easily be taken out of context and be made to seem meddlesome. It was one of those things I was so taken aback by, but at the same time it really good learning instance with little actual consequence. Someone as idealistic as I can definitely benefit from those reality checks from time to time. Hey Ivel, people don't always see eye to eye, and despite your best efforts, it's not in your power to make it happen.

SIGH


That is my response to being back and life and everything right now. I want to run away and crawl into a little hole and come out when things are the way they are meant to be. Arguably, of course, going through this is where I need to be, and I just need to man the fuck up and get shit done. I am just tired and feel slightly like I am treading water is all. It's a stage, those pass and we emerge shiny on the other side, I understand.
I get lonely, go on a lot of dates, which while fun does not combat loneliness. Neither do my friends, bless their hearts. I love spending time with friends, but there is something about that old fashioned male partner companionship which I miss. I know I can't rush any of the things that are coming to me (I sure hope) but that doesn't make it any easier to wait for them to happen. Biding my time. Trying to be graceful.

"There's a tangle thread, in my head, with nothing on either end" My Mirror Speaks, Death Cab for Cutie

Yea.
And my car is broken; it costs too much money to fix it.

We are entering my 31st birthday month.... Things are OK, on track pretty much...

Till next time, expect great things....

Success sounds like...

A cacophonous cascade of confounding thoughts.

Salutations!

This is a reflection post

I graduated last month with my Master's in the Arts, Museum Studies with a focus on Education. I have been doing quite a bit of processing (and celebrating) this past month, thinking about all of the ramifications and expectations accompanying my accomplishment. Many people (more than I expected) have asked me things like "How does it feel?" and "What are you going to do now?".
I guess folks don't really consider this to be rude, and I reckon I wouldn't think it to be rude either if I had not been in the position of hearing this question at the precise juncture when and trying to come up with a satisfying answer.  My answers included a lot of "I don't know!" and "It feels pretty good..." which of course does as much for the recipient as it does for me, namely profess an anticlimactic articulation of a pivotal life event.

It was like a roller coaster that had a massive buildup, many twists and turns, feet up in the air with much frenzy, only to end rather quickly leaving me soaked and wondering how long it will take to dry off so I could enjoy the rest of the park.

I am a little smarter, a little more capable, and under a whole lot more pressure to do something with my life. Which is great, right? Cause I am the kind of person who needs an external force pressed upon me to motivate towards greatness. 

Newton said it best:

• An object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an external force acts upon it.
• An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an external force acts upon it.

And all that.

"Other people's lives seem more interesting cuz they ain't mine. Well I'm fed up and need to go, out of existence or just down the road forever" -Modest Mouse off of Building Something Out of Nothing

Fast forward through the post graduation existential mental meanderings and I am in Washington DC for the summer, doing a fellowship with the Smithsonian Latino Center working for the National Trust for Historic Preservation.

Which has been intense and interesting on many levels; most poignant of which has been the internal wrestling with the concept of interpretation and representation of identity. Which I still can't make head or tails of and run circles around the ambiguity of it all till my mind just tells me to knock it the hell off and think about string theory or something more palatable, like frilly underwear. Ultimately I feel like it's the kind of thing that doesn't like to be designated into such steadfast parameters and trying to do so for the sake of appeasing someone else's notion of completeness or understanding will unfailingly yield a half-assed assessment of an invariably personal prescribing. 

Word. 

Other than that my time in DC so far has been marked with a rather astonishing level of inactivity. It's completely bizarre and unlike me, especially in a new city with such a vibrant cultural scene. But I am feeling really subdued. Which is great, coming down from the absolute insanity of the last six months (two years!?) calls for a much needed chill the eff out time. 

Now, it's not like I have been completely hermetical, I have been partaking in my [nowadays] quintessentially signature activity, dating. Which has been fun and markedly different from dating in the Bay Area. Perhaps because of the temporal nature of my presence in DC and also because the East Coasts breeds a different sort of man. I must say the crop much less attractive (at least in DC), but delightfully possessing just the right amount of sarcasm and straight forwardness I have much desired from their handsomer West Coast counterparts.

ON THE HORIZON:

A  [paid] researching gig with the New Media and Technology Director of the Smithsonian Latino Center working on a project dealing with gaming and (you know it!) cultural representation and Latino identity. In the realm of immersive video game experiences of all things. It's actually kind of eerie that video games have made their way back into my life in this way, but I am totally into it. My aversion to gaming has to go the same way my aversion to technology has; out the window! My work is going to consist of bridging the gap of understanding the nuances of Latino representation in gaming, pretty rad I think. 

For whatever reason I was lucky enough to pick a niche (underrepresented audiences and STEM) that is really relevant today, unbeknownst to me! But, hey friggen awesome, thanks life! It will be what I make of it of course. This opportunity to do work with such a big name brand is pretty ridiculous, it won't pay much of course and is nothing in the way steady work, but super advantageous none the less.

In other fronts:

I have applied for two jobs fresh out of grad school, one at the Seattle Aquarium, and one at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. I am not expecting replies on any of my endeavors for a while, but I am still positive and hopeful. I know it's a rough market [understatement], and that everyone and their mommas just graduated and are all looking for ways to start paying off their student loans. I get it, and I am not taking it personal. I am going to get more serious about it (and working out!!) when I get back to the Bay. I will be starting out local and up the West Coast, and then widening the scope across the states, cause whatever, I am down for adventure (and becoming gainfully employed), even if it's on a non (gasp) coastal state.

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I will try to be more dutiful. I know you probably don't care (haha) but I need to keep my writing chops sharp, and I really enjoy adding a voice to the innumerable pictures of myself I post.

  

My first ridiculous Instagram photo collage!

                     

Talk to you next time, until then, expect great things!

I've seen so many ships sail in, just to head back out again and go off sinking

Salutations!

Today I am sharing a beautiful (and thought inspiring) letter from F. Scott Fitzgerald to his daughter, Scottie.

"Things to worry about:
Worry about courage
Worry about Cleanliness
Worry about efficiency
Worry about horsemanship
Worry about…
Things not to worry about:
Don’t worry about popular opinion
Don’t worry about dolls
Don’t worry about the past
Don’t worry about the future
Don’t worry about growing up
Don’t worry about anybody getting ahead of you
Don’t worry about triumph
Don’t worry about failure unless it comes through your own fault
Don’t worry about mosquitoes
Don’t worry about flies
Don’t worry about insects in general
Don’t worry about parents
Don’t worry about boys
Don’t worry about disappointments
Don’t worry about pleasures
Don’t worry about satisfactions
Things to think about:
What am I really aiming at?
How good am I really in comparison to my contemporaries in regard to:
(a) Scholarship
(b) Do I really understand about people and am I able to get along with them?
(c) Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?"

                                                                                             (F. Scott Fitzgerald: A Life in Letters)

I think this advice originally composed for his eleven year old daughter is timeless and certainly can be applied to my life in a number of ways. I tend not to be too much of a "worrier" per say, but I do often find myself being completely preoccupied by things that I don't necessarily hold in high esteem or value.
A great example of that is dating, I find that I can be completely obsessed with the concept of dating, and generally I feel that my returns are not worth the investment. But, for one reason or another I keep doing it
(I should mention that I am specifically talking about internet dating, not dating in general which will obviously be necessary for me to engage in for going from a "single person" to a "person with mate"). And, while I wouldn't say that I don't hold dating itself in high esteem, I think what I am more concerned with is creating a real bond with the person that will ultimately be my life partner. Unfortunately I feel that my approach is somewhat faulty, and that seeking something like that out as voraciously as I am will yield emptiness.
So, why worry about it?
Good point!
I will start my attempts to refocus that energy I place on finding a potential mate to becoming more adept at things I am interested in.
Things like

1. Design thinking
2. Data visualization
3. Museum activism
4. Evaluations
5. Technology and it's applications/implications as manifested in our daily lives
6. Exercise 

That said, Fitzgerald did not imply that Scottie should lead a worry free life, and while I do indeed value and believe in cleanliness, the worry of particular note to me in that set was courage.
I feel I am generally a pretty courageous lady, ready to bound head first into the unknown depths of what have you, but there is a new arena emerging in regards to my personal courage that needs nurturing. I am in dire need of cultivating the courage to put myself out there career-wise. I find that I am often hesitant (scared?) to take risks because I am wary of rejection or failure. This needs to stop now.
Recently I was turned on (by my good friend Ivy) to IDEO's (a San Francisco based design company) slogan of "Fail often to succeed sooner", this has been a revolutionary thought in my life. Eureka! Of course it makes sense! But putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to rejection is never easy... So, I have been critically thinking about how to tackle this internal hiccup. What I came up with is the following: I need to apply my theory on dating to my career obtaining strategy: try a lot, be yourself, and don't be surprised (or discouraged) by failure. All held together by the underlying (supremely reassuring) belief that there is someone/something out there for you after all.

We'll see how that goes.

Conversely, speaking to another one of Fitzgerald's "worthy worries", I had an interesting conversation the other day with my good friends, power couple Casey & Karen, about the concept of efficiency of thought. I have been obsessed with the concept of efficiency for a while now, and found that I could derive a significant amount of satisfaction by maximizing the efficiency of my efforts in my job as a barista. The point in doing that ultimately was to save valuable energy, in the hopes of having more of it to expend. I was thinking about how that translate to thought processes, if one could minimize the traffic of thought and get to your destination quicker, wouldn't that imply that you could achieve more in a shorter amount of time?
Casey had a good point, sometimes the best ideas come up during that fumbling through. If thoughts didn't meander, perhaps the genius would never spring forth, and if you were all caught up in the preoccupation of accomplishment perhaps creativity would remain elusive.

Food for thought.
Do you have any? Leave them below!

Bye till next time! Until then, expect great things!

Summer of Science

Salutations!

I was going to wait to be on the plane to DC to write my first blog post, but then I visited the Natural Sciences gallery at the Oakland Museum of California.
All I can say is, OMG OMCA!

Of course I'll say more, this is my blog after all...
It was just too beautiful. I had been anticipating the opening of this gallery for a while, and even though it opened June 1, I had not made it out there because I was waiting for the right time. This morning when they posted a picture of a tasty looking sandwich from their Blue Oak cafe, I knew the time had come.
I went straight there, got in free with my American Alliance of Museums (AAM) card, and headed straight for their cafe. I sat at a shady table in the outside patio and reveled for a moment in the fact that I am graduating school in about a week.
So much has happened to me in the past couple years and I am astounded at my progress and growth, we are all ever evolving (ideally) beings of course, but a really profound transitional moment such as a graduation can turn a usually pretty introspective lady such as myself into a really contemplative powerhouse. So I ate my ham & brie sandwich (delicious!),  pickled vegetables and salad with my hands (that is so fun sometimes!) and was finally ready to roll.

The first steps into the gallery filled me with such joy, now, I'll start with the disclaimer that i <3 OMCA, and they can really do no wrong (or at least haven't yet) in my eyes. But seriously, it was so beautiful. I spent like, 15 min in the first two panels and then kinda glided the rest of it knowing that I have to come back at least 12 more times to really soak it all in. When I got to the back of the gallery I sat on one of the rocking chairs on the Yosemite wrap around porch (!) and tried to gather my thoughts about why I loved this museum so much.
I came up with the following list:

• Touch me Touch me! One of the things I really appreciate about the OMCA's approach is their penchant for engaging kinesthetic learners. They have tons of things you can touch, smell, play with, listen to, all to get you to understand the message they are trying to convey. Just today I smelled cedar, kelp, and pickle weed, created an animated short about Canadian geese flying over a bus, and rocked in a rocking chair on a porch while reading about Yosemite National Park.
• Creating Connections. They really place an emphasis on making sure the visitor knows that this experience is first, about California, and secondly about them. However you came to California, you are now forever engrained in it's history. I am not even a Californian and I can't help but feel a sense of pride. And that is not an emotion I am too wont to feel either, so good job!
• Share your POV. All over all the galleries there are little posts set up with prompts that ask you questions about the exhibits. Topics range from share your thoughts about your favorite California trail, to what do you think these specimens smell like, to how do you think we can fix the economy. It is simple, just a post it up on a wall, but the effect is a very powerful one. I take the time to read through the notes and at the same time I understand the community around me better.
• Artfully Displayed. They really have an aesthetic sensibility that resonates with me, it is accessible, it is comfortable, classy but not pretentious, polished but not pristine. I dig it.

My face was hurting from smiling so much, I chatted with the security guard, a California native, Eliseo (who I had chatted with on past visits) for a minute about how great the new wing was and what I was up to. He was super warm and very interested in my life, which felt really nice. There is something contagious about elation. I lasted a total of two hours, if that, and had to leave. I was overcome with emotion, which is one of the reasons my preferred museum experience is as a solo flyer. I really like setting my own pace and sometimes it happens that I need to leave right away. I headed over to the gift shop and showed them some more $$ love by purchasing a t-shirt and a travel mug ( I needed one! I lost mine!) and a magnet.
Then I walked home around the lake smiling all the way.

Bye for now! Until next time, expect great things!
:)