Salutations!
My dear readers this entry will be a mish-mosh of my life in the last couple weeks, which has had some quite significant revelations if not, dare I say it, actual progress.
So, tomorrow marks a week since my last internet procured date, and because of a challenge posed to me by a friend (in addition to a confluence of many other factors) the last one until I get one the old fashioned way, that is to say IRL (in real life).
I went ahead with the decision to delete my online dating profile, which if you know me, or better stated: if you have met and known me within the last five years, is kind of a big deal. As I expressed in the penultimate post, it became too consuming an activity with not the kind of payoff I was really looking for.
It's given me buttloads of free time.
Just this week I went to: Cal Academy Nightlife, OMCA First Fridays, a live musical production of Return of The Jedi, a clothing swap, finished reading a book and began another one, and went birding (more on that gloriousness in a bit). I guess honestly, I hadn't really taken stock on how much of a hobby it was, or how time consuming.
Ultimately it came down to not only the time it took to secure dates, but also how excruciating it is to go over the same details of your life ten times in a row. In some ways you see yourself in a different light each time, but in many ways you are stuck on repeat mode, perpetual pre-intimacy. I also realized that in this process I had somehow strayed quite aways from the person who I know and have always known as "Ivel".
I just decided that instead of being someone who is "dating" I am going to be someone who is "single", which is not to say that I won't go on dates, but going forward I am going to be really cognizant of my goals and intentions, and make sure my actions are aligned with those. Also, most of my adult life has been spent in a relationship, I have to take a step back and figure out how to relate to other human beings in a non-romantic context.
It's kinda nice, I remember being 19 year old Ivel, twelve years ago, before any romantic entanglements occurred, there was a sense of peace with my oneness. I am bringing that shit back. Spending more time with friends, and really, a lot more time with myself, which is cool cause I really like my company! I guess I was just being impatient, but there is quite a bit to be learned of oneself in times of solitude, if you listen.
:D
Or attempting such things...
Speaking of cultivating new hobbies, today was my first experience birding! It was amazing! I fell in love with all aspects of it, listening for the birds, learning about their different traits, waiting for them, and being disappointed in not actually seeing them. I want to develop those skills, I need to get gear; a birding book, binoculars, and some sunscreen. Wee! I am super stoked to get more into it!
This round I saw a:
Black Neck Stilt
Turkey Vulture
Black Phoebe
Greater Yellowlegs
In other news:
I was looking into print-making and etching classes, didn't see anything solid but got a lead to one in the Mission I might check out.
I have been reading The Feminine Mystique, it's been pretty rad and deserves it's own post on the concept of identity formation and how women's lives are juxtaposed to the other sex. It's really made me think a lot about how I have related to partners in the past and how I really need to use this time to get my mental ducks in a row before trying to shoot off into the next relationship.
In the mean time I am cultivating new hobbies and searching for other potential avenues of expression. Creative expression has been particularly important for me to get a spark under these days, it remains a bit elusive, but I feel like it's going to play a key role in my growth. Perhaps because I spent so much time neglecting it while I was going to school. It's kinda an important part of who I am, I just need to figure out the right fit.
Alright kittens, until next time, expect great things.
No comments:
Post a Comment