whine, brie, chicken & biscuits

Salubrious salutations my fearless readers.

Fallor ergo sum - St Augustine

We are in the new age, the present tense, we live in the future at every moment, yet constantly salivate for that which we do not have. This is the human condition, and thank goodness because were it not for desire what would propel us forward through the muck of existence?

I think this post will cater to my philosophical ambling, which I don't actually tread as often as I would like. This evening I'll wax poetic about Aristophanes's eulogy in Plato's Symposium and about Nietzsche's concept of the Ubermench.

Ya, you know, the easy breezy stuff of life...

Anyway, for those of you who need a refresher (and I can't believe why you would!), Aristophanes gave this fine little speech at a dinner party one time. All these old white dudes were sitting around drinking wine, day dreaming about having sex with strapping young lads and pontificating about a variety of subjects but most prominently love and all it's trappings. It's one of Plato's better known works and it includes an all star cast with folks such as Socrates and Alcibiades taking turns at the bat. It's really a friggen amazing manuscript delving into one of the mechanisms that is so inherent within us human beings.
The speech that I keep coming back to time and time again is Aristophanes' ode to the concept of "wholeness". I think about this one a lot for a couple of reasons; one, because I really appreciate the fact that his account of love allows for folks of any gender combo to connect. Secondly, I am fascinated by the concept of a mythology in which humans are these androgynous creatures with twice the limbs who grew so pompous that Zeus smote them by breaking them in half and spreading them across the earth. Forever feeling incomplete and searching.
 

I suppose I am intrigued by this because it suggests that we are all, in the quest for finding a partner, making our way back to our original selves. If our most primal selves are whole, then the selves of modernity are broken, shards of flesh imbued with yearning. If you think about the state of being broken as a metaphor for feeling a need and a thirst for recuperating that fullness, then there is nothing more natural than constant desire.

I am attracted to this notion because in some ways it makes me feel less guilty for wanting to find a partner, after all in doing so I am just gravitating towards my natural state. Not that I feel an overwhelming guilt for wanting someone to shack up with forever, just little pangs of guilt here and there. I think there is this culture of being independent in our society, and with that comes a negative connotation with being single in some regards. Furthermore, the older you get the more it seems like you are being reckless or loveless, compounding the sense of urgency. I try to not let that mindset get to me as best I can.
The way I feel about it personally is that it's fine being single, there are things I really appreciate about it, and there are things I don't like (same as having a mate really). Truly, it's not my preferred state, but I don't feel sorry for myself, I just accept this as a stage in life like any other. It is an opportunity in a lot of ways to *try* and learn more about myself, I do get lonesome though. There is so much that is unknowable in this world, and ideally we are always growing and changing, single or not. I am not a fan of thinking that things happen for a reason, but more things happen and then we reason with them.

Also, I am slightly enthralled by the notion of eternal longing. Why? Because sometimes I think desire is better than satisfaction, contentedness, or fulfillment. And because I appreciate the fact that you can bank on loneliness as a constant, there aren't many things on this Earth you can count on...

Anyway... Moving on to the Overman.

It's a little late in the evening, and I don't want to make this post uber long by getting into the sordid Nietzschean details, but! Long story short one of the reasons I really dig the philosophy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra is because  the onus is placed on the individual to come up either a reason to keep living, or why bother. I am a big fan of ownership of the self in life because as far as we know or have experienced, we only get one shot so we better make it count.
A lot of folks see this philosophy as kind of depressing, I reckon because you can't offset your despair by putting all hope in some imaginary being. That is a lot to chew on... Maybe ask me some questions and we can do a more participatory experience if thou art so inclined. Otherwise I will continue to ruminate.

In other news...

I am still seeing the married daddy. Sometimes your own utterances seem strange, even to yourself. But passion will do its thing without much consideration towards logic. I met his baby (and his brother, AND his father), all went well except for the baby completely going into mute mode when he was around me. I didn't take it too personal, but recognized the situation as a little less than ideal, I made the best of it and enjoyed the Oregon Zoo Lights and Big Red's company.
Things are coming to a point in which we are becoming real human beings, expressing our lives, hang-ups, baggage, and needs to each other (shit is getting REAL) which is actually quite nice. There is always that [sweet] awkwardness when you first start seeing someone, getting past that and actually being able to see them within the context of their lives is a great thing. I have been making excellent progress on the communicating my feelings front, so that's real. I am still quite smitten, and enjoying every minute of it.
Updates as they develop.


Work is...

going well.

Every day that passes I feel like I am closer to understanding. The hardest thing right now is time management; today I estimated something should take an hour and it took three. (!) I am confident I will get the hang of it... I love my work, and I believe in it, and it just makes me happy as anything even though it's so hard.
I had my first "informational interview" today. I don't know if you know what that means, but basically it's like someone buys you a coffee and picks your brains about your life choices because they think there is some value to your blathering.
Well let me tell you my friends it was a sweet cup of coffee!

It felt super sweet to be like, yea! I know this shit is great! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT. Even though my time is so short I have to be here an extra hour just to be able to talk to you. I will take that coffee and I will give you the BEST advice I can.
:D


Yea. Things are good.

Until next time my silent kittens, expect great things...

Strawberry Fields, For Now..

Salutations, fellow tellurians!

How y'all doing little kittens?

PDX Is treating me pretty well. Lots of working, and a little bit of frolic.

I have been at the museum for a month now! It is really challenging, and dreamy, and I am getting better at it, I think. For those of you who are curious as to what the day to day of a researcher looks like, it's varied. I spend some time looking up and sorting articles, I work on maintaining ethical standards, I spend a lot of time thinking. I also spend a lot of time figuring out how to enter my time on the timesheet, oh! And meetings! Lot's of meetings. It is a culture shock in a lot of ways. I am still getting used to what it feels like to be "on my brain" for 8 hours instead of on my feet. I have to take "museum walk about" breaks every couple hours or I go stir cray cray. I am kinda chugging along, trying to work my way through the tough part. I may have to tap some professional friends for advice on how to hang, as suggested by my boss. I think it's been really evident to me that I went from somewhere I was top dog, knew all of the plays, to somewhere I am pretty much completely unfamiliar. It will take a while before I am where I want to be for sure, but overall work life is good.

Anyways, SO... I am dating again (heehee).

Unfortunately, the Chloe Challenge went by the wayside, turns out beginning a new life in a new city with a new job isn't the best time to get out and meet people IRL. At least not for me. So, went back on the OKC, and I have some moderate success (yay for making out & cuddling!).
Most recently my exploits have had me cogitating about what the potential future with a divorced man with a couple of youngins would be like. It's definitely an interesting thought train to take a ride on, but it's way to soon to tell if anything serious will develop.
The more I think about it though, and you know me I think it's really great to stretch the limits of one's perceived mettle, as long as there is proper communication of expectations and a realistic interpretation of the implications, should nuthin be too wrong with it.
I fancy myself always growing, and am really cognizant of my selfish past, so internally I am intentionally making a shift from that "world revolves around me" mentality to, you know, there may be other important things going on. I reckon as long as I am important and feel that way, that'll do.
That all said, who knows how it will go!! I think overall I just like the opportunity to really be thoughtful and do my best to be communicative and honest about my feelings, I could use the practice!

Also, OMG, He's like, totes SO cute!
:)
I'll keep y'all updated.

On other fronts..

I have been watching a [shit]ton of documentaries! The photo above is from this one called Marwencol, which is about this guy who was beat to shit by this pack of teenagers and left in a coma, when he returned he was damaged and didn't remember anything from his life prior to the incident. He dealt with the trauma by creating this fantasy world based on his real life, but set somewhere in WWII in this imaginary town he created. It was really amazing, well done, and the guy's story is so completely bizarre and awe inspiring. I think it's one of the best films I have seen in a while.
I have been on somewhat of an artist bio drama kick I guess (who says that!?) and saw another film I really liked called The Woodmans which was about this family of artists and the way that they deal with the suicide of their daughter, the really a-fucking-mazing photographer Francesca Woodman.

Alrighty sugar muffins, I reckon that about covers this time in between, leave me likes or comments if thou art so compelled...
As always, thank you so much for reading, and until next time... Expect great things!

A rose by any other name...

Salutations, my honey kittens!

WELL!

Here I am in the land of steel bridges, beards, and rain drops! I have made it through my first two weeks and thought maybe you'd like to get a little update on what the haps have all been happening with yours truly.

MY J-O-B

holy crap. 

This is unlike anything I have ever done in my life. My organization is so thoughtful, methodical about all of it's process, and mindful of being inclusive of all of those taking part in the process. It's really less hippy than I expected it to be and more like, "you are in charge of timeline, and budget, and knowing the protocol and designing the research schema, and we're here for you the whole way cause no one makes decisions by themselves, and you're gonna kick ass!". I'm all like, "woooah nellie!". 

It is on the one hand, really overwhelming right now, because I have never had to think about those kinds of things, or like, be in charge of overseeing an External Evaluator contract, ya know? 

However, on the better more "woot woot" hand, I am really being groomed to be an integral, well informed part of a team, I am an investment! It feels really good. I so whole heartedly believe in what I am doing I am really motivated to succeed. So right now the input is like 80% of my waking life, i definetly know that is not sustainable, but I feel it is necessary right now, and will not be the case in a few months. For a few reasons, one of which is I need the time to improve some of my skills necessary for my job, and also, I of course want to get to know Portland.

Yea, so anyway, what else?

Well... in the 20% of my other time I have named my couch, set up my pretty sweet apartment, explored my front yard, and thought about, of course, what else!

RELATIONSHIPS.

One of my favorite topics to talk about, and perhaps one of your favorites to read about, I'll give ya a glimpse of my inner workings on the loving side of things.

Clearly, I have ::gasp:: not had time for dating. 

I know! It's been tough in a lot of ways, and really good in a lot of ways. I am still under the Chloe Challenge of securing my next date in the flesh and blood, which is great for those cold (below freezing!) evenings when I thinking longingly of just the act of browsing the OKC annals for fresh, beardy, PDX meat (no pun intended?) for if nothing else, something to look at. It actually feels really great to not have that as an option, because why? Because I want an actual relationship to flourish next! I have no idea what that will look like, I just know that I am being consious and not settling for anything other than what I want. There are some cuties at work, and of course as is to be expected at this age, the wedding bands abound. It's alright, at this point in my life as soon as I even catch the glimmer of metal on a hand, I drop the guillotine on desire. I have learned that lesson well, and have Zero interest in retreading those steps. So, I will take in the eye candy without the cavities.

In regard to those ringless manhands, well, I am similarly being aloof. I am not particularly interested in messing up any career move on account of a careless poontang, at the same time I realize that a lot of your social circle comes from where you work, so I am keeping an open mind.

Minding my honeypot. Using the time to think about what approach I want to take, what I want to communicate, and how.

Not much else to report really, work and home rules the day. Can't wait till I get a car to really be able to get around, cause I don't give a crap what those hippy fucks are doing I am not riding my bike in 17 degree weather...

I think I am having a good time.. At this point I know the pains of relocating, so I am just trying to be patient with myself. Though, when I named my couch it kinda became apparent I need to get out more... Updates as they develop. 

Till next time, my beautiful reader,

Expect great things!

I am up in the air

Salutations from twenty four thousand feet.

I'm in a plane. A Q400, on board Alaska Airlines, en route to Portland, Oregon. There is a dad sitting diagonally from me with his baby sleeping on his lap. The baby is cute, blonde wispy locks and bright happy blue eyes. That are now closed as he takes his own flight into dreamland, on board Sandman Airlines. 

The plane is a lot smaller than most any other plane I have boarded. I am sitting in the window aisle, which is not my preferred seating arrangement, but the plane was pretty empty so my aisle seat counterpart moved. Row to myself. I just got some apple juice from the cart service. I had a hankering for orange, but it was coming from one of those concentrate born cartons. Not my style. Apple juice has a certain quaintness to it, doesn't it? I remember one time a long while ago while I was a freshman in college I was hungover or sick (or both) and a friend told me apple juice was good for your tummy in those instances. It's been pretty soothing ever since.

Daddy on the diagonal has a wedding band on, I noticed. I wonder where Mommy is.

The topography is tan and brown and rugged, it reminds me of one of those world globes from grade school. I used run my fingers across the textured surface and try to imagine what life was like in those exotic sounding places like Egypt, Kenya, or Canada. Sometimes I would spin it and close my eyes, press my finger down to one spot to bring it to a stop and pretend I was going to move there.

I wonder if my finger ever traced a path to Portland, Oregon.

As I fly there now, I wonder what life will be like from now on. Or maybe just in the next five years. I wonder about the concept re-inventing oneself. 

Do you think that is possible? Ostensibly we invent ourselves anew each day, or we could. I feel like there is much of my California self I'd like to leave behind. I think overall the latter part of last decade was marked by much tumult, both inwardly and on the outside. No regrets, really, but I am certainly yearning for a change. I am thirty one now, ten years ago I was a completely different person. I am proud of who I have become and hope to use the tools the bumps along the way have equipped me with to build a better me. I guess I am doing that all the time.

What does that look like actually? I think it will require more thoughtful action than reaction. I am pretty determined to keep my youthful approach and mildly savage tendencies, but at the same time I think I am aiming for a more even temperance of character.

Maybe. I am always working on mindfulness, so the result of that is trying to make sure my choices are aligned with my goals. I think even though those are become clearer everyday I don't I always act in a way that leads me closer to them. Sometimes out of habit and sometimes out of convenience.

Daddy keeps looking over. I wonder if I am interesting looking or if he is just bored. I wonder why I always buy Peet's coffee. It always disappoints me. Remind me to never buy Peet's again unless it's an emergency. I am glad, however, that I made that chicken sausage, egg, and cheddar sandwich for the ride over. It was delicious.

We are beginning our decent into my new town.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and don't forget... Until next time, expect great things...

In which a well was dry and overflowed without water

The ground's colorful patchwork.

SALUTATIONS bros!


O me O my, what a life we lead, eh!?
This post spurred by a need to vent (always!) combined by a want to remain current and relevant (are we ever?!).

Coelacanth

I am preoccupied these days with securing an abode, which is proving more a lot more difficult than the land of milk & honey illusions I had nursed in my mind in regards to Portland rentals.

Don't let them fool you kids, it ain't as cheap as it used to be.
Maybe the popular television show "Portlandia" has encouraged flocks of ravaging-gentrifying hipsters, or folks have just been lured there by the weather.. Either way, it seems as if in the same breath I have also been assaulted with an onslaught of comments, articles, and propaganda declaring that Portland's job market is in the shitter, so I am perplexed as to how folks are paying for these expensive ass apartments.
Maybe I am out of touch with reality because I have been paying 750 for a one bedroom in a pretty excellent (sans drive-by's and people pooping outside my front door) apartment in the Bay Area for the last year.
It's a hard to make a call on what neighborhood will win the bidding on account of never having seen the face of the place, that'll change soon enough as I am heading out there on this week. I am so nervous to meet the place I will call home for the forseeable future! It's wild to me that I have made it to the great Pacific Northwest, all the way from just about as South East as you can get. I am happy with my trajectory to date.

Here we go! Hullo Portland, name's Ivel. Nice to meet ya.

Which means of course, my days in the Bay Area are dwindling and that my last day @ the wonderful Julie's Coffee & Tea Garden is soon approaching!! This week I saw "Off Forever" next to my name on the schedule! AAAAHHHHH! Four years and some change of my heart and soul... put to rest. There are so many things I am going to miss, the customers, my co-workers, knowing the flow of my job like the back of my hand, and I don't even want to think about what my coffee/tea bill will look like. It's definitely going to be hard not to make delicious things for people and be active and on my feet all the time for a living. I have felt so much love there; given and received. All of the experiences and people that I have crossed paths with at Julie's will remain a part of my heart forever.

I am supremely looking forward to my new job, so that makes it easier to say goodbye and move on...

Romantically speaking....

Not much to speak of really.

I am fully cognizant that now is liminal and that thinking about trying to start something new is silly, but that don't mean I am any less lonely (both physically and emotionally) all a lot of the time.
Ah well.
I am trying to learn to cope with those feelings in a constructive manner, i/e recognize and identify patterns in my feelings and reasons for my reactions. It is hard! I don't want to start anything because I am lonely, and I also want to be honest and recognize those feelings as valid. I think it's really necessary to make the distinction, I have spent nine of the last ten years in a relationship and at this point I can't really tell what percentage of that I was true to what I really knew I wanted and needed. I have learned how to relate to the world and others in the context of being in a relationship. I am trying to take a step back, be alone, be truly alone, and come back from that place with a better notion of what I want from another human being.
I think I could really benefit from talking to people about their experiences and learning about what they value in their relationships, what mistakes they have made, and how they have reconciled their selfishness with their partners needs. Maybe I should also evaluate my own track record and try to identify my folly, as well as how I plan to grow and change.
I am pretty determined to be a conscientious partner, of my best interest and that of the other. I need to figure out what that means, at the same time I am wary of over thinking things. I think the biggest thing I need to work on is cultivating PATIENCE. I am always in a rush to figure out what things mean, what role someone will play, how they will fit into my life, what their intentions are, etc, right away.
Those things are fine things to consider but there is a place and time to think about them, and when you meet someone, the time is to get to know them.
(!)
So that leaves me with the task of figuring out what things are important for me to know about someone. I think ultimately it will just feel like home. Whatever the fuck that means.

It's a constant figuring it out, ain't it? That's ok... sparkly sin and repeated mistakes make life worth living.

Until next time good people of the earth, expect great things... 

The Air Gets Much Thinner Further Up..

Salutations dear readers!

Today will be somewhat of an ambitious post as I try to tackle one my most ancient internal preponderances, as well as catching you up on wonderful news.

Good news first.

You may remember from my last post that it seemed as if I was on the cusp of some great life change...
Well, it worked out favorably! I am now on my way to the Pacific North West to basically do the job of my dreams. Really, it's kind of crazily my most ideal scenario. In some regards I am waiting for someone to pinch me or the other shoe to drop or whatever euphemism people use for something to go wrong after too much right, but mostly I am really stoked.
Just the idea that I worked really hard for something and then actually made it happen is kind of mind boggling...What Universe?! Thank You! I feel utterly compelled to pay it forward tenfold. I am not really a hokey person but I can't help but feel blessed.This is going to be the first time in my adult life that my energy is going to be fully focused on one thing, and it's something I am über passionate about.

I am kind of secretly curious to experience the power of my sheer force. I have never done something like this, sole devotion. I mean I still have many passions and arenas of interest that lie outside the realms of my career (I'll expound on those in a minute), but  I am so committed to delving deeply and wholeheartedly into this job. I have a feeling the results are going to be big. By the same token I am also totally nervous about the transition from a career which has relied mostly on my body to one that relies mostly on my mind. I have faith in my abilities but at the same time I am wary of the time it might take me to make the move internally. This summer was a good tester of office living, though I imagine I will have a more loving environment at my new place. The change of pace will be something to get used to, as will be using my brain for so many hours straight. At my current job I do use my brain quite a bit, but mostly it's at the beginning of the day and in the middle and the rest can be be accomplished on auto-pilot. Maybe I will ultimately get to that point with my new job, but somehow I doubt it, thus some of it's allure! I am excited about conspiring, collaborating, and promoting my agenda of inclusivity in museums. 

So, speaking of things that are getting me hot right now, have you heard Pink Steam by Sonic Youth lately? Seriously one of the top sexiest songs in my book, ever. The build up, it's just enough to drive any girl mad... Or maybe just a girl with my kind of tendencies... I suppose. Sonic Youth is just so tops... Man.

My Other Interests:
*painting (watercolor mostly, but maybe acrylic too..)
*etching
* screen printmaking
*bookbinding/altering
*woodblock print making
*data vizualisation
*learning an instument
*gardening
*volunteering
*regular intellectual discourse

It's so rad, the idea of self actualization in regards to a career, like ok, I have found this thing, a "calling" and I can now devote 40 hours of my week to something I really love and get paid for it. And then there is all this other time! I can use how ever I want! So many things for one life time... I will need to travel more in my forties...

More on what I meant by my "plaguing preponderance", I am often caught up thinking about the difference between brilliance and mediocrity. I have an idea that really it is you who puts those barriers up, and no one else is in charge or in control of how you see yourself or how the world reacts to you. I don't believe there is a real difference between the kind of people who achieve great things and those who don't other than a different set of fears sometimes combined with circumstance. What propels us as humans? What drives us to reach for great heights? I guess most importantly, what makes some of us more likely than other to achieve those heights?
What is the most that I could accomplish? What if I didn't set those limits but rather set my bar up as high as I could imagine? Continually flirting with the boundaries of the atmosphere, pushing myself and the envelope as I lick it and send it away.
Visualize your future, the only obstacles are of your own devising...

Some food for thought for your brain to chew on...


I don't know...

I know I want brilliance, but at the same time I feel like every day is just that...

Till next time, expect great things...

I've got it all [most], I've got it all almost all figured out...

Salutations from the liminal stages.

I want to relish them as a break in which the mind can helplessly obsess to no avail until such time as the answers make themselves known. We are always too eager to know, the truth, the facts, the answers; to what end? Compartmentalize them in our minds, we use them as chisels to carve out plans that extend  further than our reach.
I want to thrive in the silence, instead of writhing in the space between the answers.

Easier said than done.

"I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old
And oh my God I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my god, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my god, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?
The universe works on a math equation
That never even ever really even is any end
Infinity spirals out creation
We're on the tip of it's tongue, and it is saying
We ain't sure where you stand
You ain't machines and you ain't land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other"
-Modest Mouse, Building Something out of Nothing

It's a mix of feelings, when you are waiting on an answer that would determine the course of your life. You feel like you can't imagine what life will be like past a certain point until you have a direction to safely point your thoughts of the future. In some ways I have also put off making plans, which has been derailing for my psyche.
Some people don't like to make plans, they're more like those live in the moment kind of people.
I am not that kind of person.
I like to have goals, they keep me centered because I feel I am better equipped to move steady on a course. Without goals I am adrift in a world of uncertainty. Which breeds in me a slight passivity, and that drives me nuts. If I am not in constant motion I might as well be dead.
It's kinda interesting in terms of my personality, because I am be no means inflexible, I quite enjoy going with the flow and would even go as far as to say that I have a penchant for spontaneity. But I know I work best when I have an overarching goal, and then room to establish parameters and wiggle room, and it works in spurts. I guess that is what people mean when they say five year plan, though in retrospect mine have worked out in more like four year time spans.

I think spinach is groovy.

There are other things I have been thinking about, such as: why when the first Latino is appointed President of the State Bar of California it makes headlines.
The laughable notion that we live in a post-racial society.

I love documentaries.

The last good one I saw was called Brief Encounters, and it was about the photography of Gregory Crewdsome. He is such an elaborate and persnickety artist, but to such amazing effects. I highly recommend it because it sheds light into the reasons why some artists are the way that they are, and that, at least to me, yields a greater understanding of their work.

Alright kittens, as always, thanks for tuning in, and until next time, expect great things...