The Air Gets Much Thinner Further Up..

Salutations dear readers!

Today will be somewhat of an ambitious post as I try to tackle one my most ancient internal preponderances, as well as catching you up on wonderful news.

Good news first.

You may remember from my last post that it seemed as if I was on the cusp of some great life change...
Well, it worked out favorably! I am now on my way to the Pacific North West to basically do the job of my dreams. Really, it's kind of crazily my most ideal scenario. In some regards I am waiting for someone to pinch me or the other shoe to drop or whatever euphemism people use for something to go wrong after too much right, but mostly I am really stoked.
Just the idea that I worked really hard for something and then actually made it happen is kind of mind boggling...What Universe?! Thank You! I feel utterly compelled to pay it forward tenfold. I am not really a hokey person but I can't help but feel blessed.This is going to be the first time in my adult life that my energy is going to be fully focused on one thing, and it's something I am über passionate about.

I am kind of secretly curious to experience the power of my sheer force. I have never done something like this, sole devotion. I mean I still have many passions and arenas of interest that lie outside the realms of my career (I'll expound on those in a minute), but  I am so committed to delving deeply and wholeheartedly into this job. I have a feeling the results are going to be big. By the same token I am also totally nervous about the transition from a career which has relied mostly on my body to one that relies mostly on my mind. I have faith in my abilities but at the same time I am wary of the time it might take me to make the move internally. This summer was a good tester of office living, though I imagine I will have a more loving environment at my new place. The change of pace will be something to get used to, as will be using my brain for so many hours straight. At my current job I do use my brain quite a bit, but mostly it's at the beginning of the day and in the middle and the rest can be be accomplished on auto-pilot. Maybe I will ultimately get to that point with my new job, but somehow I doubt it, thus some of it's allure! I am excited about conspiring, collaborating, and promoting my agenda of inclusivity in museums. 

So, speaking of things that are getting me hot right now, have you heard Pink Steam by Sonic Youth lately? Seriously one of the top sexiest songs in my book, ever. The build up, it's just enough to drive any girl mad... Or maybe just a girl with my kind of tendencies... I suppose. Sonic Youth is just so tops... Man.

My Other Interests:
*painting (watercolor mostly, but maybe acrylic too..)
*etching
* screen printmaking
*bookbinding/altering
*woodblock print making
*data vizualisation
*learning an instument
*gardening
*volunteering
*regular intellectual discourse

It's so rad, the idea of self actualization in regards to a career, like ok, I have found this thing, a "calling" and I can now devote 40 hours of my week to something I really love and get paid for it. And then there is all this other time! I can use how ever I want! So many things for one life time... I will need to travel more in my forties...

More on what I meant by my "plaguing preponderance", I am often caught up thinking about the difference between brilliance and mediocrity. I have an idea that really it is you who puts those barriers up, and no one else is in charge or in control of how you see yourself or how the world reacts to you. I don't believe there is a real difference between the kind of people who achieve great things and those who don't other than a different set of fears sometimes combined with circumstance. What propels us as humans? What drives us to reach for great heights? I guess most importantly, what makes some of us more likely than other to achieve those heights?
What is the most that I could accomplish? What if I didn't set those limits but rather set my bar up as high as I could imagine? Continually flirting with the boundaries of the atmosphere, pushing myself and the envelope as I lick it and send it away.
Visualize your future, the only obstacles are of your own devising...

Some food for thought for your brain to chew on...


I don't know...

I know I want brilliance, but at the same time I feel like every day is just that...

Till next time, expect great things...

I've got it all [most], I've got it all almost all figured out...

Salutations from the liminal stages.

I want to relish them as a break in which the mind can helplessly obsess to no avail until such time as the answers make themselves known. We are always too eager to know, the truth, the facts, the answers; to what end? Compartmentalize them in our minds, we use them as chisels to carve out plans that extend  further than our reach.
I want to thrive in the silence, instead of writhing in the space between the answers.

Easier said than done.

"I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old
And oh my God I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my god, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my god, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?
The universe works on a math equation
That never even ever really even is any end
Infinity spirals out creation
We're on the tip of it's tongue, and it is saying
We ain't sure where you stand
You ain't machines and you ain't land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other"
-Modest Mouse, Building Something out of Nothing

It's a mix of feelings, when you are waiting on an answer that would determine the course of your life. You feel like you can't imagine what life will be like past a certain point until you have a direction to safely point your thoughts of the future. In some ways I have also put off making plans, which has been derailing for my psyche.
Some people don't like to make plans, they're more like those live in the moment kind of people.
I am not that kind of person.
I like to have goals, they keep me centered because I feel I am better equipped to move steady on a course. Without goals I am adrift in a world of uncertainty. Which breeds in me a slight passivity, and that drives me nuts. If I am not in constant motion I might as well be dead.
It's kinda interesting in terms of my personality, because I am be no means inflexible, I quite enjoy going with the flow and would even go as far as to say that I have a penchant for spontaneity. But I know I work best when I have an overarching goal, and then room to establish parameters and wiggle room, and it works in spurts. I guess that is what people mean when they say five year plan, though in retrospect mine have worked out in more like four year time spans.

I think spinach is groovy.

There are other things I have been thinking about, such as: why when the first Latino is appointed President of the State Bar of California it makes headlines.
The laughable notion that we live in a post-racial society.

I love documentaries.

The last good one I saw was called Brief Encounters, and it was about the photography of Gregory Crewdsome. He is such an elaborate and persnickety artist, but to such amazing effects. I highly recommend it because it sheds light into the reasons why some artists are the way that they are, and that, at least to me, yields a greater understanding of their work.

Alright kittens, as always, thanks for tuning in, and until next time, expect great things...

 

One good Forster's Turn..

Salutations!

My dear readers this entry will be a mish-mosh of my life in the last couple weeks, which has had some quite significant revelations if not, dare I say it, actual progress.
So, tomorrow marks a week since my last internet procured date, and because of a challenge posed to me by a friend (in addition to a confluence of many other factors) the last one until I get one the old fashioned way, that is to say IRL (in real life).
I went ahead with the decision to delete my online dating profile, which if you know me, or better stated: if you have met and known me within the last five years, is kind of a big deal. As I expressed in the penultimate post, it became too consuming an activity with not the kind of payoff I was really looking for.

It's given me buttloads of free time.
Just this week I went to: Cal Academy Nightlife,  OMCA First Fridays, a live musical production of Return of The Jedi,  a clothing swap, finished reading a book and began another one,  and went birding (more on that gloriousness in a bit). I guess honestly, I hadn't really taken stock on how much of a hobby it was, or how time consuming.
Ultimately it came down to not only the time it took to secure dates, but also how excruciating it is to go over the same details of your life ten times in a row. In some ways you see yourself in a different light each time, but in many ways you are stuck on repeat mode, perpetual pre-intimacy. I also realized that in this process I had somehow strayed quite aways from the person who I know and have always known as "Ivel".
I just decided that instead of being someone who is "dating" I am going to be someone who is "single", which is not to say that I won't go on dates, but going forward I am going to be really cognizant of my goals and intentions, and make sure my actions are aligned with those. Also, most of my adult life has been spent in a relationship, I have to take a step back and figure out how to relate to other human beings in a non-romantic context.
It's kinda nice, I remember being 19 year old Ivel, twelve years ago, before any romantic entanglements occurred, there was a sense of peace with my oneness. I am bringing that shit back. Spending more time with friends, and really, a lot more time with myself, which is cool cause I really like my company! I guess I was just being impatient, but there is quite a bit to be learned of oneself in times of solitude, if you listen.

:D
Or attempting such things...


Speaking of cultivating new hobbies, today was my first experience birding! It was amazing! I fell in love with all aspects of it, listening for the birds, learning about their different traits, waiting for them, and being disappointed in not actually seeing them. I want to develop those skills, I need to get gear; a birding book, binoculars, and some sunscreen. Wee! I am super stoked to get more into it!
This round I saw a:

Forster's Turn
Black Neck Stilt
Turkey Vulture
Black Phoebe
Greater Yellowlegs

In other news:
I was looking into print-making and etching classes, didn't see anything solid but got a lead to one in the Mission I might check out.

I have been reading The Feminine Mystique, it's been pretty rad and deserves it's own post on the concept of identity formation and how women's lives are juxtaposed to the other sex. It's really made me think a lot about how I have related to partners in the past and how I really need to use this time to get my mental ducks in a row before trying to shoot off into the next relationship.

In the mean time I am cultivating new hobbies and searching for other potential avenues of expression. Creative expression has been particularly important for me to get a spark under these days, it remains a bit elusive, but I feel like it's going to play a key role in my growth. Perhaps because I spent so much time neglecting it while I was going to school. It's kinda an important part of who I am, I just need to figure out the right fit.

Alright kittens, until next time, expect great things.

intergalactic quibbles & bits

taking a second to take it all in
then spit it out in unrecognizable patterns that we've all seen before
at least once
the shadows of our torments could not hold a candle to this,
the dullness of the day to day
one hour after another marked only by the tiny rivets in between
the half hour mark and the five till
the weariness of my bones, and that muscle I can't quite figure out
how to stretch
across the clearest of blue skies,
my tongue would soar to meet yours in sweet discourse
instead, it's trapped in this wretched body
ensconced in doubt, uncharacteristic of me
and in some ways quite beautiful

an infinite quest for ephemeral splendor
the blighted breath of incubator babies
i am slightly ashamed every time i feel relief
thinking my tumor might be real
and i won't have to deal
with the rest of existence
it's not a veiled cry for help so much as
a catcall to meaning
she grins at me slightly and sways those hips
effortlessly on the horizon
as if to say,
you won't ever attain this
but your desire will pull you through far enough

i know
i know

you can't imbibe that kind of meaning
you can't hard wire your sensory sensibility
the older i get the easier it gets
to wait
cause time is what i have an overabundance of
soon it will run out
chuck my hourglass against the pavement
sand spilling like oil staining our best intentions
as far away from nature as we can stand to be
perfectly manicured
all according to the posted signs

i inhale the illusion of you like oxygen
the memories of a past not had
pictures of an imagined future perfect
lingering like failure often does,
slick and shining
alluring and inviting another thought,
and another until you are swollen with what would appear to be
regret
but i don't have time for such things
my affections seemingly
available for a limited time only

observable patterns would indicate this is the last verse
with the underlying understanding that my fickle tendencies
will not begin or end with you
yet every new beginning implies an ending
we just pray and wish against the odds
possibility as infinite as my inner meandering and gratitude
for those grey-green eyes and nods,
that hold in them the promise of a future worth having

Washed the dirt off our intentions...

Prattled on about bad inventions.

Salutations!

September is my birthday month, I turn the big three one on the thirtieth. Even though I still have some time till that happens, birthdays always make me super contemplative.

Actually, I feel like everything is making me contemplative these days! I think it's because my brain is so used to being focused on school that now it has a bunch of free time it's like, "what are we doing here Ivel? why aren't you keeping me busy? what did he mean by that look? oooh! shiny thing! let's watch monty python.. what does it all meeeaaaannn?"



Man. Shut up brain. Get a life.

Of course it won't be still and has taken to waking me up at three or four in the morning deciding this is the best time to start thinking about all of my afflictions. Because I can do a lot to change things at that time. Derf.
I think *hope* this inner turmoil will ultimately lead to progress; I am using this post to clear out some of those thoughts about next steps.

Career-
Graduating from a Master's program feels like taking up residence in a pressure cooker. I am feeling it like never before and I've got it coming from all sides. Internally I am continually berating myself for not being more active in my pursuit. Even though part of me that believes I am not doing so because I am being really cautious and scared of what may happen if I do get the job of my dreams. This internal struggle has stunted progress in some regards. On the one hand I want to make sure I get the "right" job that will catapult me onto a trajectory in line with my studies and personal philosophy, but maybe I just need to get a job at a museum doing whatever and then figure it out from there. Externally, everyone and my momma has been asking me, "what next?".
Well...
I find a fucking job and get my goddamned life on track, what are you doing?
 
Not being sure where my "permanent residence" is going to be has made it hard for me to develop a routine, which I have been craving lately since losing my school/work routine of the last two years. I know the next move is going to be dictated by my career, that is both exciting and scary as shit. Not necessarily because I may have to move to an unknown location (which, I am actually looking forward to. sort of... there is a lot more to this notion..) but because of all of the work that will entail. Basically re-imagining every facet of life as I know it.
Plus my insecurities have comfortably nestled themselves in my belly and are refusing to budge until I engage in some serious Professional Development. The books are sitting on my desk right now, smiling softly, but for some reason I am hesitant. I am not sure if it's because I am being lazy or tired of thinking about the whole thing. I am thinking it's the latter, but I realize it's not a good excuse.

The more I think about it the more I am observing a pattern in my behavior, I have to mentally build up to something, and the build up can be so uncomfortable! Ultimately, I find that this process is useful in being certain of my decisions and to be confident in my actions. I am in my head a lot. Living alone aggravates the symptoms.
Perfect segue.

Dating-
I was just reading about this project in which two friends, after finding themselves single at the same time,  decided that they would date each other exclusively for 40 days and document their experience. It was a really great read and an insightful look at what it means to be single, date, or be in a relationship in modern times.
Interestingly, I found myself relating to the male half as I read through the entries and found the female side to be really overly introspective about the whole situation (sound familiar?!). It really made me think a lot about why I date so much and what am I looking to get out of it ultimately.
I know that dates for me are [have become!?] a way to blow off steam; you make plans with someone you don't know, you talk to them about whatever (yourself, or them, or the weather...), if you are lucky (or if they are) some smooches (+), and then you are done.
It is pretty cut and dry, and more often than not it does not progress from that level, by either my doing (usually) or theirs.
To me that is actively dating, which is what I have been engaging in recently and am currently re-evaluating as a strategy.

This has brought up a series of questions that I have been seriously pondering as of late:
Is this lifestyle what I really want right now?
Is this taking me any where closer to my ultimate goal?
What is my ultimate goal?

I feel like my ultimate goal is to find a partner that I will fall in love with and will be crazy about me, we'll grow together, I'll finally have my blue milkwash spice rack. I have this elusive vision in my head, sometimes there is a wrap around porch and rocking chairs, sometimes it's a cozy apartment with books, a dog and comfy couch.
Those are the imagined physical manifestations of a truth I have honestly yet to fully articulate to myself. What does it mean for me to want that kind of closeness with another human being? What am I willing to give and what do I want in return? Finally exposing the fact that I don't quite have these answers has gotten me closer to understanding what I am looking for. (Thanks Blog!)
In the same breath I know that you can't rush something like that! I feel I believe that such a person exists out there, but I don't know how/if they will find me. I have decided to cool it a bit on the dating, I don't want people to be a hobby. It feels too much like an avoidance tactic.

Having said all that, I recently developed a gnarly crush. :D

hahahahaha
I know. I know.

I had forgotten what crushes feel like; so sweet and nonsensical. Wonderful and terrible things in their own right, they are all consuming in the most delightful of ways. I don't know what will come of it, but I am so grateful to know that I can still feel all those things with such intensity. I know I am not ancient, but it had been a long time. It's also swell to remember that not all attraction has to be strictly physical in nature and to experience what it feels like to really want to know about someone's thoughts and their past. To enjoy their voice and just want to listen to them for hours. The sheer uncertainty of it makes me uneasy, but I can't bring myself to act on it (for a multitude of reasons, most poignant of which is I am just over being an initiator, my next suitor will mean it dammit!). I am trying real hard to be easy going and care free about the whole thing.
I feel funny and cute, like I am going to vomit everywhere. Alright. I guess that's not so cute. Maybe like rainbow diarrhea coming out of a unicorn ass. No?

OK.


This then.


Other things-


Friggen odds and sods! Life is full of them right now! Between having to get rid of my car, my bike conking out, emails, doctor appointments, over due bills, parking citations, etc etc, I am so over everything! It almost renders me immobile, which is just about the best strategy to get all of those things done.


Life and times!

That's me. Right now.

Thanks for stopping by, until next time, expect great things....

These Are the Days

of Miracle and Wonder.. -Paul Simon

Salutations.

So says the cover of a journal I purchased in St Augustine, Florida this past summer whilst on a small vacation with my old folks. It was a two day trip with terrible accommodations. It resulted in being pretty lackluster on account of my unwillingness to play the role of tour guide in a town that I didn't know and didn't really care to visit in the first place. Word to the wise: never select a two star hotel, ever. The vacation came on the tails of my fellowship with the Smithsonian, which took up the first 6 weeks of my summer, directly after graduating from the Master's program.

Needless to say I had an intense and not relaxing summer.

Now here I am back home in my lovely Oakland apartment, back to my pretty plants and colorful wall hangings. I love my little apartment because it feels like an extension of me; warm, colorful, homey, and slightly incomplete.

I am back to "figure things out", except there is a certain clarity in as much as I know what it is I want to be doing (working in a museum doing community engagement and/or evaluation) but I am not sure how to get there. Sure, apply for jobs, intern (some more work w/out pay... sure sure, inevitable), volunteer, more applying. It's exhausting. I am gonna go ahead and bitch about feeling overwhelmed, cause I am. I have an underlying understanding that it will all be ok, but it's not right now. So I am going to feel that discomfort for a moment.

Overall, I feel fine. Really.
I see my friends with their babies and my exes with their marriages, and I don't wish I was them, even though sometimes I dwell on the ramifications of other courses of action. I don't regret any of the decisions I have made and am really proud of where I am right now, I got myself here.
I am just a little bit bewildered.

My job is undergoing a lot of changes that I am finding are a little bit difficult to ride a long with. I just stuck my nose into the experience of a co-worker and got burned for my good intentions. It was a sobering lesson in pulling back, which I am not used to, especially there, a place in which I have always felt valued for my openness and point of view. But I have learned that sometimes even if you want to help someone and try to make their situation better, they may not want your help. Furthermore, your unsolicited inquiries and observations can very easily be taken out of context and be made to seem meddlesome. It was one of those things I was so taken aback by, but at the same time it really good learning instance with little actual consequence. Someone as idealistic as I can definitely benefit from those reality checks from time to time. Hey Ivel, people don't always see eye to eye, and despite your best efforts, it's not in your power to make it happen.

SIGH


That is my response to being back and life and everything right now. I want to run away and crawl into a little hole and come out when things are the way they are meant to be. Arguably, of course, going through this is where I need to be, and I just need to man the fuck up and get shit done. I am just tired and feel slightly like I am treading water is all. It's a stage, those pass and we emerge shiny on the other side, I understand.
I get lonely, go on a lot of dates, which while fun does not combat loneliness. Neither do my friends, bless their hearts. I love spending time with friends, but there is something about that old fashioned male partner companionship which I miss. I know I can't rush any of the things that are coming to me (I sure hope) but that doesn't make it any easier to wait for them to happen. Biding my time. Trying to be graceful.

"There's a tangle thread, in my head, with nothing on either end" My Mirror Speaks, Death Cab for Cutie

Yea.
And my car is broken; it costs too much money to fix it.

We are entering my 31st birthday month.... Things are OK, on track pretty much...

Till next time, expect great things....

Success sounds like...

A cacophonous cascade of confounding thoughts.

Salutations!

This is a reflection post

I graduated last month with my Master's in the Arts, Museum Studies with a focus on Education. I have been doing quite a bit of processing (and celebrating) this past month, thinking about all of the ramifications and expectations accompanying my accomplishment. Many people (more than I expected) have asked me things like "How does it feel?" and "What are you going to do now?".
I guess folks don't really consider this to be rude, and I reckon I wouldn't think it to be rude either if I had not been in the position of hearing this question at the precise juncture when and trying to come up with a satisfying answer.  My answers included a lot of "I don't know!" and "It feels pretty good..." which of course does as much for the recipient as it does for me, namely profess an anticlimactic articulation of a pivotal life event.

It was like a roller coaster that had a massive buildup, many twists and turns, feet up in the air with much frenzy, only to end rather quickly leaving me soaked and wondering how long it will take to dry off so I could enjoy the rest of the park.

I am a little smarter, a little more capable, and under a whole lot more pressure to do something with my life. Which is great, right? Cause I am the kind of person who needs an external force pressed upon me to motivate towards greatness. 

Newton said it best:

• An object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an external force acts upon it.
• An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an external force acts upon it.

And all that.

"Other people's lives seem more interesting cuz they ain't mine. Well I'm fed up and need to go, out of existence or just down the road forever" -Modest Mouse off of Building Something Out of Nothing

Fast forward through the post graduation existential mental meanderings and I am in Washington DC for the summer, doing a fellowship with the Smithsonian Latino Center working for the National Trust for Historic Preservation.

Which has been intense and interesting on many levels; most poignant of which has been the internal wrestling with the concept of interpretation and representation of identity. Which I still can't make head or tails of and run circles around the ambiguity of it all till my mind just tells me to knock it the hell off and think about string theory or something more palatable, like frilly underwear. Ultimately I feel like it's the kind of thing that doesn't like to be designated into such steadfast parameters and trying to do so for the sake of appeasing someone else's notion of completeness or understanding will unfailingly yield a half-assed assessment of an invariably personal prescribing. 

Word. 

Other than that my time in DC so far has been marked with a rather astonishing level of inactivity. It's completely bizarre and unlike me, especially in a new city with such a vibrant cultural scene. But I am feeling really subdued. Which is great, coming down from the absolute insanity of the last six months (two years!?) calls for a much needed chill the eff out time. 

Now, it's not like I have been completely hermetical, I have been partaking in my [nowadays] quintessentially signature activity, dating. Which has been fun and markedly different from dating in the Bay Area. Perhaps because of the temporal nature of my presence in DC and also because the East Coasts breeds a different sort of man. I must say the crop much less attractive (at least in DC), but delightfully possessing just the right amount of sarcasm and straight forwardness I have much desired from their handsomer West Coast counterparts.

ON THE HORIZON:

A  [paid] researching gig with the New Media and Technology Director of the Smithsonian Latino Center working on a project dealing with gaming and (you know it!) cultural representation and Latino identity. In the realm of immersive video game experiences of all things. It's actually kind of eerie that video games have made their way back into my life in this way, but I am totally into it. My aversion to gaming has to go the same way my aversion to technology has; out the window! My work is going to consist of bridging the gap of understanding the nuances of Latino representation in gaming, pretty rad I think. 

For whatever reason I was lucky enough to pick a niche (underrepresented audiences and STEM) that is really relevant today, unbeknownst to me! But, hey friggen awesome, thanks life! It will be what I make of it of course. This opportunity to do work with such a big name brand is pretty ridiculous, it won't pay much of course and is nothing in the way steady work, but super advantageous none the less.

In other fronts:

I have applied for two jobs fresh out of grad school, one at the Seattle Aquarium, and one at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. I am not expecting replies on any of my endeavors for a while, but I am still positive and hopeful. I know it's a rough market [understatement], and that everyone and their mommas just graduated and are all looking for ways to start paying off their student loans. I get it, and I am not taking it personal. I am going to get more serious about it (and working out!!) when I get back to the Bay. I will be starting out local and up the West Coast, and then widening the scope across the states, cause whatever, I am down for adventure (and becoming gainfully employed), even if it's on a non (gasp) coastal state.

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I will try to be more dutiful. I know you probably don't care (haha) but I need to keep my writing chops sharp, and I really enjoy adding a voice to the innumerable pictures of myself I post.

  

My first ridiculous Instagram photo collage!

                     

Talk to you next time, until then, expect great things!