Salutations my homies.
As of late I have been feeling a little bit like there is a lot in my head so I thought maybe I should spill some it out, onto you...
I get built up inside, a kind of mental constipation. Following that metaphor, this blog post is a big steaming turd.
:D
I went to my first therapist visit this weekend. Like, ever, in life.
Maybe this doesn't surprise you, but if you know me at all then it might surprise you that I would seek outside assistance. I think because I make it a point to be self-reliant.
I guess I was just in the right place in my life to go after it. It has been a long time coming, particularly towards the end of Grad School and after. Things have been accumulating in me in ways I can't make total sense of. I am just thinking thinking thinking all the time, and we all know that ain't a bit healthy. Not that thinking is inherently a bad thing ( I am a big fan of it obviously), but I think the combination of being at a turning point in my life and not having people who love me close to me was not conducive to growth. Being understood is a big deal. Sometimes I feel like I am flailing about like a fish out of water, spasms of incomprehension. Or sometimes people are kind and smile and nod in that way that indicates they aren't really that concerned in getting very invested. Which is fine, of course, not everyone has to be interested. Best intentions, I am sure. I am not a light load to bear in any sense of the word, and if my truest friends are any testament, I am a rather tough cookie to crack.
It's all levels you know. If you want to get in there you have to show me you care.
I bet most people are like that. I feel like it takes a lot of sledge hammering to get to my heart. For whatever reason. For all the reasons.
Well, anyway, therapy was swell. Nothing quite so interesting as telling my thoughts to a well meaning stranger trained in hearing thoughts and letting them sort them out for a price. I'll do it again, but I can't get any whiter cause they'll revoke my Latino privileges.
She said things like, "It sounds like you are saying you need a community"...
I'm all like, Shit! Yes! That, IS what I am saying! You witch woman, you.
So, yea, I am excited to see what may come of that. There is a lot rolling around up there, especially now that my work is so heady. I am in my head all day, and then come home and am in my head some more. It wasn't really going anywhere but downward. I am strong and can stay alive, but thriving in the face of such tumult is a different kind of story.
I think that is one of the reasons I like dating so much. It's like a mental break because I have to answer questions instead of introspect. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it can yield a lot of good things but can be weary if it amounts to a lot of nothing. In some ways I feel like I can and do conjure a great many fantastic thoughts, but they whirl around and drown because I lack a proper soundboard, or maybe for other reasons too.
Anyway.
Oregon is pretty good. Making friends, breaking hearts, going for walks, eating olive oil ice cream, drinking many Old Fashions, experiencing things and getting it all right and wrong at the same time.
Summer is whizzing by very quickly! It has been hot here, and not having an AC has meant some uncomfortable evenings. So spoiled. So Floridian of me. Cold showers. Lot's of them.
I have been doing a lot of sitting actually. I think like never before I am feeling really comfortable in my house and consequently have no problem just being still. In some ways that is great, in other ways it leads to more in my head time, which as you may have noticed is not all that great without some outdoor time to process. i find myself super missing the ocean still. I know it's only two hours away, but it feels like a lot more than that.
I am not getting enough exercise. Sedentary work life is staking it's toll on me, both physically and mentally. I know I need to motivate myself and do something, I am finding it really difficult to do so.
My therapist had a little bit of insight (even in our introductory session!) about this, which is to say that she asked me a question that set me off in a way of thinking.
Her insight was that, perhaps I should stop waiting to live the kind of life I want to live until I find a partner. Right? Duh. Makes sense, easier said than done however.
I recognize the more time that passes the more I need to start thinking in that way.
I just had a memory flash in my mind of shopping in a Mamaroneck Trader Joes, I actually have no real recollection of what that place looks like or if that memory is even real.
My early twenties are so idealized in my memory. Part of me knows they weren't really all that, but in a lot of ways it was a nice combination of clarity and ignorance. There was a lot of goodness going on in terms of meeting feelings and understanding intentions, truth be told.
In other news, I went to a professional conference in New Mexico, first one. It was pretty rad and totally bizarre. I was totally a guest of honor, which was a crazy thing! I have to write a proper blog post for a museum site soon, so you can stay tuned for that.
What else.
This post feels a little anticlimactic, but I reckon that's ok, cause that is how I feel...
Till next time my loves...
Expect great things....
