w/in & w/out

Within & Without 

An Exploration in Sobriety    

Salutations!

So! Today completes a year of sobriety. I wanted to share some reflections on that, this past year, and general life stuff in today's post.

I will offer a vulnerable disclaimer here- I do not consider myself an alcoholic. I realize this is kinda a subjective thing, for example my mom does consider me one. I am totally comfortable with my relationship with the substances I frequent and realize this can be a fraught topic for some people, but I am fine with it. With that...

As some folks might know, I make it a habit to create a goal around my birthday. Sometimes it's do more of something and this year it revolved around doing less of one (or more) things. These goals are intended to direct energy, shift attention, and generally set up a space for myself to move forward on some life trajectory. They are a little boost in agency and confidence and generally speaking success rate is high. I can have very good will power, especially when I have clear parameters, solid rationale, and plenty of time to rev up. All of which are possible with the birthday goals, it seems there is always a thing to do, something that has been elusive or perhaps difficult to grapple with in the everyday. 

I am not sure which one of those alcohol ends up in for me, but building up to the Fall of 2020 it seemed like a good thing to give up. We were starting to work from home more and the line between work and home was getting blurrier, the pandemic was in full swing and the national situation and psyche were in dire straights, we were coming up on a major election, and my relationship was gearing up for a turn for the more serious. All of these things felt like big things, they seemed like things I would either want to drown out or be more present for. I decided to go with the latter and my chosen mechanism for that was sobriety. 

I would not have characterized my relationship to substances as problematic, and still don't, but I would say that the concept of moderation was a bit elusive in practice. In effect that meant that I was drinking most days and that had been likely the case for many years, so this pause was very intentional. My goal was to "take control" of a behavior and use that control to direct myself in a direction towards more of who I wanted to be. If I look back at journals across the decades, there were just a few things that continued to evade my grasp and this goal of being sober was in fact a strategy. In retrospect, I am glad I did not frame it that way! The goal itself was simple- no altering substances. That was it! To ensure success it is important to have clear boundaries, for me- I didn't mind alcohol in food items, but for dang sure was not including caffeine in the excluded list! 

My partner decided to join me- I wasn't expecting this of him but in the end was very grateful to have this be a piece of it. I was reflecting a bit around this piece with him just this morning. I think it was very helpful for us to commiserate and relate around a shared goal, both in terms of not being exposed to it regularly and also around having a place for open discussion around challenges and triumphs. It was cool how we had different relationships and starting points with it and thus the journey was going to be different.

I think overall, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Sometimes (often) the unknown is scary to venture into because you have some sort of notion around what it will be like and then you jump into the void and things might turn out different or same to your expectations. This in itself is a good lesson learned from the whole experience that can be applied to life in general. I don't think the take away is that expectations are bad, just that they are a small part of the decision and should not be entrenched or a strong deciding factor. It was fun to exercise that agency in a clear and seemingly arbitrary way! One day I was drinking and then the next day I was sober, just like that.

There were some side effects which I alluded to earlier, these were things that were not part of the goal itself but perhaps things that could spring forth once the space had been cleared up for it. These things were more physical activity and emotional growth and maturity. Its fun to write this reflection piece because it was kinda a subtle process that built up momentum as the year went on and now looking back I can totally track on how these things evolved and appreciate the internal process around them. I will say that it is important that I did not overwhelm myself with effort here- my primary focus was just not doing something. Organically stemming from that I was able to tackle these other pieces, I think that is indicative of the rumblings of purpose in the unconscious. 

There has been a lot of change in my life in the last 10 years- truly, my life has sort if been marked by change as a constant. This has been great in so many ways, not least of which is the stage set for vibrancy and richness of varied experience. Really amazing and conducive to a life well lived and also challenging for setting course on some more challenging pattern shifts. One of these is overall health and wellness. I don't think I was generally an unhealthy person- I had spent around 8 years as a vegetarian and someone mindful of what I was eating and generally conscious about being active. However, I was never really able to get to the level that I wanted to be at! I am not sure why- some speculations include: I didn't have very good example or role models in my life around this, regularity in schedule was not a trademark of my life, it's hard, I didn't quite know how (including how much was enough and how to do it). 

So, in the last year, the combo of being sober and having a partner who is really attuned to physical activity and nutrition was really super stellar for me! I tried a few different things in terms of activity, things like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, yoga, circuit workouts, etc. I spent time doing things by myself and with my partner, in different spaces like the house, the gym, local streets, the canyon by my house, etc. It was super fun to experiment! There was a few qualities that ended up being important to me in terms of sticking- the activity needs to be easily accessible (like not going somewhere to do it), mildly challenging, and provide a diverse array of visible stimulus. The ones that ended up really winning out were daily walks and long distance bike riding. I am so happy with how those things have really taken off! Moving forward, it's really important for me to keep physical activity as a constant- so for example, tomorrow I will be celebrating and drinking again (!) but I am making sure to fit in a bike ride beforehand. 

The other sort of significant change that I will touch on briefly here is a leap forth in emotional maturity. I think there have a few hold outs in terms of the evolution of my thinking in terms of who and how I wanted to be in a relationship. This is something I have experienced in the past in the shape of ego and stubbornness, as well as some fundamental contradictions around my beliefs and values and how those are reflected in my actions. I don't know exactly how the sobriety influenced this leap- only that it has happened and I am very happy/ready for it in my life! I think it has really poised me for commitment and to embrace my partner in an earnest, authentic, and wholehearted way. And that is great cause we are engaged now. 😀

So there you go! This year I will be letting go of social media (will be keeping Twitter for work) and focusing on writing more. That will be both here in this space as well as in my own journal. There are already some major changes bubbling up! It will be fun to see those take shape and unfurl like ferns. 

Until next time, friends, as always: Expect Great Things. 

As Much to Do W/Anything & Nothing

This post comes from a moment of solitude, rare form in current mode of existence. The space to have thoughts and the emptiness wrought to capture it. Let me paint for you the scene as I sip double strength mint tea wrapped in someone else's afghan. I don't even know how to use that term correctly- is it a dog, a nationality? I mean it as a nice knitted blanket, though a dog or two are near by now as always. There is some incense burning in the background, it's wedged on a piece of driftwood I found on some beach though I can't remember when and where. I often say that I am blessed with awful memory, my partner teases me about it and sometimes I wonder if he uses this to his advantage. I don't mind if he does. Life is too short to have a good memory, ya know? Be here now. 

The drift wood is oblong and smooth, it looks as if it were made to hold incense. I thought this too when I found it, strewn by the ocean.  The particular brand of incense I am burning is Nag Champa. I met this scent back in my freshman or sophomore year of college, going to one of those smoke shops or hippy stores as I used to think of them. The world was so new then, there was so much to learn, so many people to meet, mistakes to make, apologies to be served and consumed. I feel the same way now.

I hear cars revving and a wooden wind chime, it is shaped like a blue whale and I enjoy this about it very much every time I see and hear it. I don't think it sounds differently because it is a blue whale, though I certainly enjoy it more because of this. There is also a bell that rings from time to time when the wind hits it just so. I've just had some lunch- a salad and leftover meatloaf. I have spent the last couple hours working on a batch of granola. It usually seems like the nuts get burned before the oats are toasty- what is up with that?

My last post was really much more hopeful and decisive than I have become since I last wrote it. After chatting with a good friend who does talent management & development and knows me pretty well I decided that going into school again and incurring more debt was just NOT something I was willing to do. Plus, the track I was thinking about would position me to work in an HR department- something I wasn't crazy about. SO, back to the drawing board as they say. 

I've been in a funk with the whole professional world piece of my life. I think I want to pursue a PhD, but I can't quite seem to wrap my head around where to go, who to study under, how to apply, where might I fit in, etc. These are kind of fundamentals! I think about it a lot, I start fretting, then I stop until I meet someone inspiring or muster motivation via some other means. I don't have a lot of agency with my work currently and I think that makes my confidence falter.

Next, I'll give you my opinion and/or thoughts around random things:

• Bougainvilleas- I like them. They are the kind of thing that is a common place beauty, I love how they crawl up and can take up so much space. I like how they look on the ground. My favorite is the less common colors like pink and peach, I mostly see them in fuchsia. They remind me of my friend John because that is how I learned what they were called. When we were roommates we lived in an apartment in Oakland by a lake, it had a balcony and off the balcony we could see an old dilapidated structure, I think it was a garage. There were tons of bougainvilleas there! 
• Adobe houses- I think they are neat! I like how in some places of the country they are more common place than others. I like the look of clay, though I think my favorite style of house are craftsman bungalows of the 1920's. Someday, I'd like to live in a tiny home of that style, with high ceilings and a loft bedroom.
• Israeli/Palestine situation- It's none of my business. There are a lot of things that are my business and I don't have an opinion on those things either. Some people think if you don't have an opinion then you are the oppressor or making the situation worse. It's none of my business what those people think either. I looked up some history on it and it's really complex, though of course it follows some patterns of the man scheming, wheeling, and dealing. It's shitty, that's all I have to say about that. Recently I heard this bumper sticker phrase that I thought was brilliant: other people's opinion of me is none of my business. 
• Palm trees- I love palm trees, I think they are underrated. I grew up in Florida where we had a lot of them and most recently was living in Portland, Oregon where there aren't as many. Now I am in San Diego and I really appreciate them, the ones here are tall and skinny mostly, but there are many kinds including this radical feathery one that blows my mind. I might get a tattoo of one some day, but first I want to get a mermaid sleeve. 
• Key chains- There are so many different key chains in the world. Do you think that there are more key chains than keys? My favorite key chain I have owned I got at the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, it is a pewter melting clock. I also have this neat one that is a tiny hourglass with sand in it that my dad got me on a vacation once, it's special cause my dad rarely gets me things. It reminds me that life is fleeting.
• Being a nerd- I like nerdy things, but I don't really know how much of a nerd I am. Sometimes I want to claim it because I think it adds a nice dimension to my personality but I don't know how it fits my identity. I wonder about this because I am not good at math and science and sometimes I question how smart I am. Mostly I think I am a pretty sharp cookie though, don't worry. I think this because some academic type things come with ease, but mostly because I find I think about things in ways that are different than other people. I tend to reflect deeply and frequently about meaning, causality, logic, presence, and intention. I am not in the body and mind of other people so I don't know exactly how different this is, but my interactions with other would lead me to believe this is kind of a unique thing. Last weekend I binged on Jeopardy & The Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson, I thought this was nerdy and it pleased me.

OK. 

I guess that's enough. It's nice to write a little from time to time, even if I don't have all the words to express the inner workings. I'll do a reflection post on sobriety soon- I have a lot to say about that.

Until next time, expect great things!