One good Forster's Turn..

Salutations!

My dear readers this entry will be a mish-mosh of my life in the last couple weeks, which has had some quite significant revelations if not, dare I say it, actual progress.
So, tomorrow marks a week since my last internet procured date, and because of a challenge posed to me by a friend (in addition to a confluence of many other factors) the last one until I get one the old fashioned way, that is to say IRL (in real life).
I went ahead with the decision to delete my online dating profile, which if you know me, or better stated: if you have met and known me within the last five years, is kind of a big deal. As I expressed in the penultimate post, it became too consuming an activity with not the kind of payoff I was really looking for.

It's given me buttloads of free time.
Just this week I went to: Cal Academy Nightlife,  OMCA First Fridays, a live musical production of Return of The Jedi,  a clothing swap, finished reading a book and began another one,  and went birding (more on that gloriousness in a bit). I guess honestly, I hadn't really taken stock on how much of a hobby it was, or how time consuming.
Ultimately it came down to not only the time it took to secure dates, but also how excruciating it is to go over the same details of your life ten times in a row. In some ways you see yourself in a different light each time, but in many ways you are stuck on repeat mode, perpetual pre-intimacy. I also realized that in this process I had somehow strayed quite aways from the person who I know and have always known as "Ivel".
I just decided that instead of being someone who is "dating" I am going to be someone who is "single", which is not to say that I won't go on dates, but going forward I am going to be really cognizant of my goals and intentions, and make sure my actions are aligned with those. Also, most of my adult life has been spent in a relationship, I have to take a step back and figure out how to relate to other human beings in a non-romantic context.
It's kinda nice, I remember being 19 year old Ivel, twelve years ago, before any romantic entanglements occurred, there was a sense of peace with my oneness. I am bringing that shit back. Spending more time with friends, and really, a lot more time with myself, which is cool cause I really like my company! I guess I was just being impatient, but there is quite a bit to be learned of oneself in times of solitude, if you listen.

:D
Or attempting such things...


Speaking of cultivating new hobbies, today was my first experience birding! It was amazing! I fell in love with all aspects of it, listening for the birds, learning about their different traits, waiting for them, and being disappointed in not actually seeing them. I want to develop those skills, I need to get gear; a birding book, binoculars, and some sunscreen. Wee! I am super stoked to get more into it!
This round I saw a:

Forster's Turn
Black Neck Stilt
Turkey Vulture
Black Phoebe
Greater Yellowlegs

In other news:
I was looking into print-making and etching classes, didn't see anything solid but got a lead to one in the Mission I might check out.

I have been reading The Feminine Mystique, it's been pretty rad and deserves it's own post on the concept of identity formation and how women's lives are juxtaposed to the other sex. It's really made me think a lot about how I have related to partners in the past and how I really need to use this time to get my mental ducks in a row before trying to shoot off into the next relationship.

In the mean time I am cultivating new hobbies and searching for other potential avenues of expression. Creative expression has been particularly important for me to get a spark under these days, it remains a bit elusive, but I feel like it's going to play a key role in my growth. Perhaps because I spent so much time neglecting it while I was going to school. It's kinda an important part of who I am, I just need to figure out the right fit.

Alright kittens, until next time, expect great things.

intergalactic quibbles & bits

taking a second to take it all in
then spit it out in unrecognizable patterns that we've all seen before
at least once
the shadows of our torments could not hold a candle to this,
the dullness of the day to day
one hour after another marked only by the tiny rivets in between
the half hour mark and the five till
the weariness of my bones, and that muscle I can't quite figure out
how to stretch
across the clearest of blue skies,
my tongue would soar to meet yours in sweet discourse
instead, it's trapped in this wretched body
ensconced in doubt, uncharacteristic of me
and in some ways quite beautiful

an infinite quest for ephemeral splendor
the blighted breath of incubator babies
i am slightly ashamed every time i feel relief
thinking my tumor might be real
and i won't have to deal
with the rest of existence
it's not a veiled cry for help so much as
a catcall to meaning
she grins at me slightly and sways those hips
effortlessly on the horizon
as if to say,
you won't ever attain this
but your desire will pull you through far enough

i know
i know

you can't imbibe that kind of meaning
you can't hard wire your sensory sensibility
the older i get the easier it gets
to wait
cause time is what i have an overabundance of
soon it will run out
chuck my hourglass against the pavement
sand spilling like oil staining our best intentions
as far away from nature as we can stand to be
perfectly manicured
all according to the posted signs

i inhale the illusion of you like oxygen
the memories of a past not had
pictures of an imagined future perfect
lingering like failure often does,
slick and shining
alluring and inviting another thought,
and another until you are swollen with what would appear to be
regret
but i don't have time for such things
my affections seemingly
available for a limited time only

observable patterns would indicate this is the last verse
with the underlying understanding that my fickle tendencies
will not begin or end with you
yet every new beginning implies an ending
we just pray and wish against the odds
possibility as infinite as my inner meandering and gratitude
for those grey-green eyes and nods,
that hold in them the promise of a future worth having

Washed the dirt off our intentions...

Prattled on about bad inventions.

Salutations!

September is my birthday month, I turn the big three one on the thirtieth. Even though I still have some time till that happens, birthdays always make me super contemplative.

Actually, I feel like everything is making me contemplative these days! I think it's because my brain is so used to being focused on school that now it has a bunch of free time it's like, "what are we doing here Ivel? why aren't you keeping me busy? what did he mean by that look? oooh! shiny thing! let's watch monty python.. what does it all meeeaaaannn?"



Man. Shut up brain. Get a life.

Of course it won't be still and has taken to waking me up at three or four in the morning deciding this is the best time to start thinking about all of my afflictions. Because I can do a lot to change things at that time. Derf.
I think *hope* this inner turmoil will ultimately lead to progress; I am using this post to clear out some of those thoughts about next steps.

Career-
Graduating from a Master's program feels like taking up residence in a pressure cooker. I am feeling it like never before and I've got it coming from all sides. Internally I am continually berating myself for not being more active in my pursuit. Even though part of me that believes I am not doing so because I am being really cautious and scared of what may happen if I do get the job of my dreams. This internal struggle has stunted progress in some regards. On the one hand I want to make sure I get the "right" job that will catapult me onto a trajectory in line with my studies and personal philosophy, but maybe I just need to get a job at a museum doing whatever and then figure it out from there. Externally, everyone and my momma has been asking me, "what next?".
Well...
I find a fucking job and get my goddamned life on track, what are you doing?
 
Not being sure where my "permanent residence" is going to be has made it hard for me to develop a routine, which I have been craving lately since losing my school/work routine of the last two years. I know the next move is going to be dictated by my career, that is both exciting and scary as shit. Not necessarily because I may have to move to an unknown location (which, I am actually looking forward to. sort of... there is a lot more to this notion..) but because of all of the work that will entail. Basically re-imagining every facet of life as I know it.
Plus my insecurities have comfortably nestled themselves in my belly and are refusing to budge until I engage in some serious Professional Development. The books are sitting on my desk right now, smiling softly, but for some reason I am hesitant. I am not sure if it's because I am being lazy or tired of thinking about the whole thing. I am thinking it's the latter, but I realize it's not a good excuse.

The more I think about it the more I am observing a pattern in my behavior, I have to mentally build up to something, and the build up can be so uncomfortable! Ultimately, I find that this process is useful in being certain of my decisions and to be confident in my actions. I am in my head a lot. Living alone aggravates the symptoms.
Perfect segue.

Dating-
I was just reading about this project in which two friends, after finding themselves single at the same time,  decided that they would date each other exclusively for 40 days and document their experience. It was a really great read and an insightful look at what it means to be single, date, or be in a relationship in modern times.
Interestingly, I found myself relating to the male half as I read through the entries and found the female side to be really overly introspective about the whole situation (sound familiar?!). It really made me think a lot about why I date so much and what am I looking to get out of it ultimately.
I know that dates for me are [have become!?] a way to blow off steam; you make plans with someone you don't know, you talk to them about whatever (yourself, or them, or the weather...), if you are lucky (or if they are) some smooches (+), and then you are done.
It is pretty cut and dry, and more often than not it does not progress from that level, by either my doing (usually) or theirs.
To me that is actively dating, which is what I have been engaging in recently and am currently re-evaluating as a strategy.

This has brought up a series of questions that I have been seriously pondering as of late:
Is this lifestyle what I really want right now?
Is this taking me any where closer to my ultimate goal?
What is my ultimate goal?

I feel like my ultimate goal is to find a partner that I will fall in love with and will be crazy about me, we'll grow together, I'll finally have my blue milkwash spice rack. I have this elusive vision in my head, sometimes there is a wrap around porch and rocking chairs, sometimes it's a cozy apartment with books, a dog and comfy couch.
Those are the imagined physical manifestations of a truth I have honestly yet to fully articulate to myself. What does it mean for me to want that kind of closeness with another human being? What am I willing to give and what do I want in return? Finally exposing the fact that I don't quite have these answers has gotten me closer to understanding what I am looking for. (Thanks Blog!)
In the same breath I know that you can't rush something like that! I feel I believe that such a person exists out there, but I don't know how/if they will find me. I have decided to cool it a bit on the dating, I don't want people to be a hobby. It feels too much like an avoidance tactic.

Having said all that, I recently developed a gnarly crush. :D

hahahahaha
I know. I know.

I had forgotten what crushes feel like; so sweet and nonsensical. Wonderful and terrible things in their own right, they are all consuming in the most delightful of ways. I don't know what will come of it, but I am so grateful to know that I can still feel all those things with such intensity. I know I am not ancient, but it had been a long time. It's also swell to remember that not all attraction has to be strictly physical in nature and to experience what it feels like to really want to know about someone's thoughts and their past. To enjoy their voice and just want to listen to them for hours. The sheer uncertainty of it makes me uneasy, but I can't bring myself to act on it (for a multitude of reasons, most poignant of which is I am just over being an initiator, my next suitor will mean it dammit!). I am trying real hard to be easy going and care free about the whole thing.
I feel funny and cute, like I am going to vomit everywhere. Alright. I guess that's not so cute. Maybe like rainbow diarrhea coming out of a unicorn ass. No?

OK.


This then.


Other things-


Friggen odds and sods! Life is full of them right now! Between having to get rid of my car, my bike conking out, emails, doctor appointments, over due bills, parking citations, etc etc, I am so over everything! It almost renders me immobile, which is just about the best strategy to get all of those things done.


Life and times!

That's me. Right now.

Thanks for stopping by, until next time, expect great things....