Post haze induced alternate reality AKA everyday life

Salutations,

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and even now I am writing because I don't know what else to do with myself at the moment.

You spend a lot of time thinking about self improvement and any non-working towards that goal or in some way or another being productive moment feels like an insult to the grace that decided you should be here with us today. 

Much of it is folly. Or error, or pain and misjudgment. 

But thankfully, not most of it. Most of it is beauty and kindness and a mystic type of striving. If I was bubbling up because I thought I had something to say, then I would just say it and be done with it. I am slowly realizing that life is the accomplishment of all of the moments, it is the wholeness you can bring to your own existence. In the silence and spare moments when you are alone with yourself, and these moments happen a lot with me these days, there is a space for reflection. For me, the pool is crystalline and clear, and muddy the moment I take a step in, pool's all like I am for reflection! Not swimming! 

Oops.

I turn thirty four this month and I'd be lying if I said this fact has made me more contemplative, because that is a way of life for me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not in a relationship, and so instead of worrying about what the other person is thinking, or how much I am yearning for an affair, or where to have date night this Friday I am thinking about me.

Me me me. All the time. 

Of course it's not in a selfish sort of way, though that happens too, more recently the thoughts have been focused on my career. Where to go from here, as I am approaching my pupa stage, I yearn for clarity in terms of what the future will hold for this little butterfly... Moreover, realizing I am increasingly lose a grip I never had on my dating life, I feel perhaps my energy would be better suited in advancing that which I have dedicated so much time to. The truth is, as much as I want to be inspired and motivated to make art, I can't really rally enough resolve around that to make it seem worth while as often as I would like, anyway. Inspiration is also not as easy to manage.

That is interesting. Two things I really want (love and inspiration) are out of my hands. How shitty. I guess, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's an ultimate kind of test  of my resilience. Well universe, that is just fine. I am focusing on things I can control. Everything else can let be sorted out on it's own. When and if it does. I got bigger plans for me right now. I can't dwell or be caught up in the what ifs or the could have been's, or heck, even the I wish they were's. 

What does it mean to better oneself?

To me, there is a direct correlation between a life well lived and public service. But obviously it should be fun, and perhaps lucrative public service (am I crazy to even dream such a thing?). Maybe. I am pushing towards something, I don't know what that ism but I know I am not there yet.

Will I die some day? The answer is yes. You and everyone you know will all be dead some day. You do not know when that day will be unless you decide to do it yourself. There are some truths that are true of all of us.

You could be better. Whatever you are doing, there is someone who'll likely could do it better than you could. And, that person is likely not very far away from you.

Could you for a second imagine expressing your self to it's fullest potential? I have fantasies of it sometimes. Flirty, ethereal fantasies that tingle with meaning and dance at the tip of my tongue. Am I throttling full force to unabashed mediocracy? Will I recognize the difference? Is this not, the life best lived? With all of my heart and intention and feeling.

What is it about love? What is it about passion and esteem, about being charming and charmed?

I can describe a sweetness, I can tell you about the texture of a ripe peach, flesh slightly fuzzy and soft between your finger tips. I can regale you with sensuous stories about the juice, squishy and rolling down your chin. Sticky and refreshing.

But, I don't know much about passion these days. My experiences recently have been with feeble roots (if any at all).

We stir stir stir the pot.

The aromatic spices gather their impetus and exhaust their options. Into the air, away, away! In the nostrils of another, in the nostrils of our selves.

Over all, I am doing pretty well. Romantic entanglements notwithstanding.

Crafting, plotting, sitting, breathing, rocking, melting, spinning, sweating, gyrating, smiling, laughing, piercing, giggling, texting, watching, listening, picking, taking, giving, looking, cutting, cooking, lighting, thinking, watering, hoping, moving, crushing,  sneaking, and generally having a good time.

Till next time honey bunnies, expect good things.

Ain't it Or No? Stories of inching towards utpopia

Salutations y'all!

Let me talk to you about dating. 

I feel like I have enough conversations about this in a sort of cursory and peripheral way often and I hardly ever feel satisfied with both my answers to questions and my ability to really express what it feels like and how I react to it.

I complain about the dating scene in Portland a lot. Whenever anyone brooches the subject you can practically countdown to my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and my jabbering jaw flapping up a storm about how weird it is, how it's sideways racist, and how it can't be just me. I would also have to be as quick to admit that I am part of the problem. 

Take last night for example, I went on a date with this chap named Logan. It was one of the most intense workdays in recent history, co-hosting a webinar, 4 and a half hours of back to back meetings, thinking about my goals for the year, submitting an article. Literally, my brain was on high power mode for like 10 hours straight. After that I went straight to meet up with a friend for tacos, as soon as my ass slid onto the seat my mouth was sputtering out the words, cheap ass red please (that's it's name on the menu, swear). After coming clean with my friend about how my brain was slightly comatose, we hung out drank wine and ate tacos. When I got home, I kept drinking and watched some Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy, but I was a little restless. Do you ever feel like that after a really brain heavy day, like you can't actually compose proper thoughts but you can't help but ramming your remaining functioning brain cells against the wall. 

So I hit this guy up that I had been having a little bit of back and forth with (more on that later) over OK Cupid and checked to see if he wasn't busy, turned out he wasn't and he was interested in getting a little spontaneous. I suggested we meet at a bar close to me. Now, this was possibly the last drip of functionality I would be able to muster that day. Under no normal circumstances would it have been a good idea to go on a date, I can't imagine I would have been anything but ridiculous. My conversation would be non sequitur, I have no idea if I even could be able to finish sentences or make any sense at all. I wasn't mentally disabled or anything, I was just really exhausted. I wonder what that poor dude thought of me afterwards? Maybe I am being a little harsh on myself, but I really don't think I was a very compelling figure sitting before him.

I guess my point is that, even though I knew I wouldn't be my best self, I still made a choice to go out and meet this guy. This sentiment isn't a new one for me, I found myself explaining the experience of a first date as generally staying low and not making a big investment mentally. 

What the heck!?

Even though I intellectually can appreciate the contradiction in this MO, I feel like I am genuinely doing the best I can. I am generally pretty honest and straight forward about not paying much attention, or about how I didn't read your profile or how I won't likely remember anything that we talk about. Recently I went on a date with someone and it was the first time I had actually seen the guy sober in daylight and I remember thinking, "Oh, that's not how I pictured him". They just happen too often, if I was to really dedicate all the energy that is required to get to know someone I would be totally drained.

I feel like I am a bit at a loss at this point. My attitude is kinda nasty these days. If a guy doesn't demonstrate and eagerness to want to get to know me and show me that he is physically attracted to me right away I begin to become disinterested fairly quickly and then it's hard to get me back. I think though this makes sense to me, I wonder about those connections that take a little longer to develop, and about dudes who have different ways of demonstrating their affections. I don't know, but I feel like I am so deprived of chivalrous sentiment and such time honored courtship rituals such as a guy asking a girl out that I really have gotten kind of grumpy and sour about the whole thing.

I guess I could just stop, but that feels wrong to me. It feels like I am not doing my part to make it happen, even though I know that is silly. I did stop recently for a few months and while I will admit I felt a certain calmness about not having to be so active in my search and constantly being judged or having to (in some ways at least) and felt at peace with my solitude more. I can't deny that I want to be in a loving, good, quality relationship, and not at least opening up some channels to make that more likely to happen makes me feel worse, I think.

All the dishes rattle in the cupboard when the elephants arrive, I want to love you madly!

On the other hand, I ain't stressing.

In some deep recess of my mind, I feel like I believe that it won't be so hard when I do fall in love and it's right. I will just know and things will just make sense, not to say that I won't ever argue with that person or that there won't ever be any problems, but it will be a special kind of easy. The kind of effort that feels worth making and the kind of touch that electrifies every part of your body, that sort of sweetness that melts your heart and softens you up in ways you didn't know were possible.

But, who knows how or when, till then and in between time my kittens, expect great things.  

Use Your Words

[Salutations]

Do you believe in fate?

I don't. I believe in my will, I believe in circumstances and things that happen and don't happen. I think it's all related, in a physical way and in a causal way, bullets ricochet off buildings in drug deals that feed our habits in one way or another.  Blinds drawn so we don't have to see how the ins and outs are broken down and reconstructed in tent cities across town. Blatant vagrant tendency, hideous display of humanity, but the truest. 

I had the thought today that maybe too many thoughts can cause growing pains in the mind. Isn't that funny? As if consciousness was an muscle that could be worked out and refined and made stronger.

Hey babe, check out my swo grey matter. what chu think?!

Ha!

With all your beautiful memories, and your misspent youth. If you could just babble forever and people actually cared what would you say? Delicate interwoven in all the fabric, joyous and raucous, simple sometimes but usually ecstatic and conspiring with the universe. Do you feel soft as silk sometimes, pliable and malleable, drinking in the complexity and nuance permeating the dew drop drapes of our existence. There really is no point in living if you don't hold your head up high, you stand for everything, continually falling out of favor with the people who float by unwittingly. A smile spread like butter across my face, a sweetness spilling out of me I can't help. And I don't want to, I want to give it to you. 

Feeding you feeds me.

Why does life appear more interesting when it's happening in slow motion?

Could you picture yourself as a monument? Could you ever imagine that your life might be worthy enough to remember? Enough to broadcast? 

Differences measured so close to our skin, I don't see how we'll get anywhere at all, and yet, I still quiver. I still shake with the prospect of frution, what can I hope for? Breathing in cutting through the air and making way for my own place, my own needs. Letting go of any attachments, but unable to relinquish control even if imaginary. Somewhere it's possible that an action I have taken has brought me closer to that light.

When I think of you I imagine an understanding, peaceful presence. I can get worked up sometimes, in spite of everything, because of everything. There I not left a stone unturned. 

I miss the places I have been, and sometimes at night I think of places, people, memories. Kissing friends in basements, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, drinks on wooden porches, cicadas (so loud), southern thunderstorms like no other, lots of gravestones, bodies of water, bodies of flesh, and some cobble streets, horse carriages included. I am blessed with resolution, and some healthy mother fucking drive. The potential is scary, and I don't yet look it in the eye. I am not averting my gaze, but there are somethings I can't quite set my sights on alone.

Things I yearn for. Things I want to be good at.

 

I remember Piccalilli lunches with my mom after shopping outings. We would grab our trays and silverware saying hello to the attendant. We would dutifully greet every server, as everyone we would encounter in our journey, except for the older creepy gentleman. Manners are important.

As we made our way down we would choose meal components that appealed to us. In the beginning was the salad, I rarely started my culinary journey here, but sometimes I would feel like being healthy (even if it was drenched in dressin). Anyway my mom would sometimes get the gelatin salad at this point, the thing was though that she would eat it for dessert. In my little mind, this always seemed like cheating to me. Like she cold choose her desert before anyone else. It was silly!

Then came the protein mom went for the fish 9 out of 10 times. Fish always seemed like the thing you would go out for. I liked the meatloaf mostly, but some other ones I can't remember too. Truly I mostly remember the sides, Mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes with little pools of gravy in the center. The jalapeño cornbread sticks. The fruit punch that later evolved to iced tea. We would always personally greet the cashier. They issued you a receipt and then you would hold onto it until you left, then you would present it to the exit cashier. My mom and I liked to hit the booths, sometimes the lights would be out and we would have to choose an alternate. We would sit and chat about things, people at church, crazy families members or something I was going through at school. My mom is by far and away the most negative person I know. I have been a ray of sunshine for as long as I can remember. Maybe positivity for me is a way to tell the rest of the world to man the fuck up. Like, really? You think your shit is bad why don't you wake up and smell the cow manure because lifestyle causes suffering all around the world.

I am not saying it does mean that all the time, just that it's possible that it is saying that sometimes.

I deal with change by subjugating it.

There is a constant opinion that I could walk away at any moment, I kind of believe it too.

I just want to tell you everything so you'll understand me, I just want to bare my bones so you can lick them.

I'm too earnest to expect anything back from you, the best surprises are those connections that rise to the top.

I'll walk away from here with more than a few, I am sure.

I'm sure I'll walk away from here.

Until next time, sweet sweet pussycats, expect great things...

The tippy tops of the pines, all along the horizon

Salutations friends & countrymen!

The spring is in full throttle before us and in Portland the shift in weather has created a palpable frenetic joy among the town folk, myself included. The beginning of the year 2016 has felt really busy and spilling over the sides of capacity, something that while uncomfortable in the moment, has it's value in terms of fomenting growth. 

April seemed like a good time to check in with y'all, the last time I wrote I was in the midst of some significant self imposed challenges to my personal status quo. Now I have completed those challenges and wanted to take a moment to reflect both on the meanings of the challenges and the implications of completing them.

The first challenge was to stop drinking alcohol for six months, and that was a birthday resolution. Every year, on my birthday I decide to make a change that has either been difficult for me to realize in my life or that will insert a bit of flux in my day to day in a meaningful way. This challenge fell in the latter category, and one of my biggest take aways from the process has been how interesting folk's reactions were. People always seemed quite curious as to why I was undertaking such an endeavor and would often either not be satisfied with my response or say something about how they would never be able to do that. I think people (especially friends) were impressed and supportive as well, something that coupled with accountability definitely did a good job of egging me on. 

I thought about it and how it was affecting my life experience mostly every day of the challenge, in varying degrees. For example, if I was out at a restaurant having dinner I would think about what beverage I would prefer to be having instead of a non-alcoholic alternative. Or if I was driving home past a nice outdoor patio on a sunny day I would day dream of what that would feel like and look forward to a time when I would be able to do it again.

Self imposed restrictions are funny things. Of course I can do whatever the heck I want, and a few times I thought what if I sneak a drink, no one will ever know. It's amusing to me, the thought no one will ever know because that's not the point and because it is a suggestion from myself to myself regarding something I have decided to do. Ever since watching Pixar's film Inside Out I have been more and more aware of of these internal dialogues and trying to isolate where the different thoughts are coming from. Different mental sections and factions guiding faculties awry. We wage little battles inside of ourselves everyday, and every day we are both the victor and the spoils.

With not drinking, I would say the biggest joy I derived was from successfully completing the challenge. In some respects I had no doubts, and in others I was equally as curious as everyone else as to whether I would in fact complete it. This is another notch in my will power belt, something that can always use strengthening and moral support.

Coming back into it now I definitely think I want it to play a different role in my life, mostly be less present and more special. Drinking is a super fun activity and a really useful stress reliever, but it can only be one of the options and not one that is without it's own set of repercussions. So I think I am more mindful of those now that I have been without, plus I sound more convincing to myself when I say you can do this.

Wee! 

Also, holy crap! I am 33 1/2!! Hahah, that probably was my other take away, time goes really quickly and faster as you age. Here we are!

The other challenge was to stop the Internet dating, and that was an uncharacteristic New Year's resolution. Originally the goal was to cut it off by three months, then my friend convinced me to make it four months so that one month of drinking would overlap with a month of not online dating. The purpose of that ostensibly was to see what the romantic bar scene was like in Portland. Whatever the point was I caved and kept to my original intention of three months, so I just signed up for Tinder again in the last days of March.

Anyone who knows me knows that those two things in particular (drinking and dating) are things that took up a not insignificant amount of my free time, so giving them up was an intentional and almost brash choice to shake it up.

The reason I decided to get back on, aside from not being excited at the prospect of meeting guys at bars, was that I was getting bored. How do people meet people?!?! There was no one at work that was not already spoken for, and no friends of friends were speaking to me in that special kinda way.

When I began thinking about signing on to online dating again I started getting anxious, especially thinking about the Ok Cupid scene. The idea of writing out my profile and pouring over the profiles of others in search for relevant nuggets and cute faces made me feel a little revolted. In the end I decided that I would do a "soft opening" and go with just the tinder. It felt low key enough and would not take up a considerate amount of time and could plug in easily in my evenings of tea and Star Trek (needless to say that the #startrekandtinder hashtag has not taken off).

Similar to the booze, I was pleased to have a break from it, and pleased to get back into it. I have a date today for the first time in the last three months, it's totally still fun and exciting and a little bit dreadful. I have changed my attitude towards the whole process to be more casual, not more casual in my ultimate intention, which is to be in a serious LTR, but more causal in my approach. I make myself available, and I am responsive, but I am trying to not put too much of myself out there and to not take anything personally. We'll see how it goes. Already I am giddy and inspired and having all sorts of sweet day dreams, romantic connection is something that is core to the fruition of my humanity, I can't deny that. I also realize that I have little control over that happening, and all I can do is my best at realizing all of those aspects that don't require being paired off. 

I have been cultivating friendships, looking into more hobbies, exploring my geography, jumping on trampolines, and eating waffles.

It's pretty OK. 

:)

Till next time gentle reader, expect great things.

Tear me up, tear me down.

Salutations,

I feel like I keep begining these posts with apologies for not posting more, but I am going to stop doing that and take more of the Gandalf approach (a wizard arrives just when he means to).

That said, how've you been?! It's been a while. ;)

I'm a solid pretty ok. Plenty of business, ups, and downs.

We are, all of us, oceans and oceans. I had this thought the the other day while a dentist chatted with the dental assistance about his upcoming Italian vacation. While he was complaining about how his neighbor was going to be in the same town during his vacation, I was swimming in my depths. "Can you believe it? Same week!" 

What does it mean to be a deep person? How do I know that my thought patterns or habits are unique or particularly profound if I have never had any other perspective? I think that there are different ways of thinking, that's for sure, and I think that some people don't do it as much.

I ask a lot of questions, of others and myself. I feel like am always pushing at my mental comfort zone, with mixed results. There are somethings that preoccupy me and these things shift, it is interesting to see how as I age. I feel more confident, but still like I am seeking, I wonder if that will ever change. In some ways I am eager for that and in others I feel like it is the beginning of death. I wonder how my presence affects those around me, I want to make the space and people around me positive and cheerful. I feel like it's the least I can do to earn my keep in the cosmic melange. 

I quit online dating for the new year, it's been about a month now and I thought maybe I'd give you an update on what that's been like. Like quitting the drinking (I did that for six months on my birthday last year) it's been pretty interesting to quit something that I relied on so heavily. I was spending a lot of time searching and browsing with little images on a screen, which yielded plenty of "results" in the way of keeping me busy meeting lots of boys. It was not, however, yielding the kinds of results I was seeking, namely falling madly in love forever and ever. Ironically, despite this preoccupation I have never considered myself to be someone who was defined by having a partner. It's just something I wanted, and if I ever wanted something I would do everything in my power to make sure I got it. 

Turns out relationships (especially the kinds worth having) don't follow this  logic, I can't just make Mr. Right manifest because I want him, or because I feel my loins are all ready for a dog, and small house, and a garden. That was one of the most terrifying parts of cutting the internet dating umbilical cord, I was relinquishing what little, imaginary control I had over the situation.

(Thanks Caro, for this nugget!)

I miss things like the attention from cute boys and the constant juggling of suitors, I must admit there was something appealing of filling up the agenda with people names. Sometimes up to three different ones in a week, you have to write it down to keep it straight! But it gets old and I recognize that ultimately the kind of attention that I am seeking is not the kind that comes from a person that doesn't actually know me, it is the kind from someone who is familiar with both my strengths and faults. The kind of attention that love, comfort, and familiarity bring with.

I have also felt a little more calm and peaceful, like I am never tying to impress anyone and I am living simply but as best I can. In general I would say that I have been less preoccupied but more open to having something find me. I am still. Fine Universe, do whatever you want. See what I care.

I am going to Florida next week! It's my mom's 60th birthday and I am flying over to spend it with her. I am happy to see my folks. My mom doesn't usually make a big deal out of birthdays, but I wonder if she will for this one. Like, I wonder how she is prepared psychologically for turning to new decade. I worry about her not being excited or motivated by life, always thinking instead about the glory of the afterlife in the kingdom of god or whatever.

Work is going well. It's been interesting, after the salaried position became mine I now view work in a different way. I feel more dedicated than I had before, which I think has both it's benefits and its drawbacks. My day to day is not glamorous, but that's ok. I am sure someday I will be fawning for it as I now do my days of barista ing.

If you could be anything you want, you'd be disappointed am I right?

I am trying to cultivate my Portland friendships, but for whatever reason I am not interested in being the one who reaches out. I feel I am really good at saying yes to things, but I go through fits where I don't want to be the one initiating. It's kind of silly, but whatever. I don't mind the alone time so much anyway.

Alright. I feel I have more thoughts and opinions about all the above things, but am too pooped to elaborate any further. Maybe talk or write to me if you want to know more. 

Until next time cowgirls, expect great things..