The drift wood is oblong and smooth, it looks as if it were made to hold incense. I thought this too when I found it, strewn by the ocean. The particular brand of incense I am burning is Nag Champa. I met this scent back in my freshman or sophomore year of college, going to one of those smoke shops or hippy stores as I used to think of them. The world was so new then, there was so much to learn, so many people to meet, mistakes to make, apologies to be served and consumed. I feel the same way now.
I hear cars revving and a wooden wind chime, it is shaped like a blue whale and I enjoy this about it very much every time I see and hear it. I don't think it sounds differently because it is a blue whale, though I certainly enjoy it more because of this. There is also a bell that rings from time to time when the wind hits it just so. I've just had some lunch- a salad and leftover meatloaf. I have spent the last couple hours working on a batch of granola. It usually seems like the nuts get burned before the oats are toasty- what is up with that?
My last post was really much more hopeful and decisive than I have become since I last wrote it. After chatting with a good friend who does talent management & development and knows me pretty well I decided that going into school again and incurring more debt was just NOT something I was willing to do. Plus, the track I was thinking about would position me to work in an HR department- something I wasn't crazy about. SO, back to the drawing board as they say.
I've been in a funk with the whole professional world piece of my life. I think I want to pursue a PhD, but I can't quite seem to wrap my head around where to go, who to study under, how to apply, where might I fit in, etc. These are kind of fundamentals! I think about it a lot, I start fretting, then I stop until I meet someone inspiring or muster motivation via some other means. I don't have a lot of agency with my work currently and I think that makes my confidence falter.
Next, I'll give you my opinion and/or thoughts around random things:
- Bougainvilleas- I like them. They are the kind of thing that is a common place beauty, I love how they crawl up and can take up so much space. I like how they look on the ground. My favorite is the less common colors like pink and peach, I mostly see them in fuchsia. They remind me of my friend John because that is how I learned what they were called. When we were roommates we lived in an apartment in Oakland by a lake, it had a balcony and off the balcony we could see an old dilapidated structure, I think it was a garage. There were tons of bougainvilleas there!
- Adobe houses- I think they are neat! I like how in some places of the country they are more common place than others. I like the look of clay, though I think my favorite style of house are craftsman bungalows of the 1920's. Someday, I'd like to live in a tiny home of that style, with high ceilings and a loft bedroom.
- Israeli/Palestine situation- It's none of my business. There are a lot of things that are my business and I don't have an opinion on those things either. Some people think if you don't have an opinion then you are the oppressor or making the situation worse. It's none of my business what those people think either. I looked up some history on it and it's really complex, though of course it follows some patterns of the man scheming, wheeling, and dealing. It's shitty, that's all I have to say about that. Recently I heard this bumper sticker phrase that I thought was brilliant: other people's opinion of me is none of my business.
- Palm trees- I love palm trees, I think they are underrated. I grew up in Florida where we had a lot of them and most recently was living in Portland, Oregon where there aren't as many. Now I am in San Diego and I really appreciate them, the ones here are tall and skinny mostly, but there are many kinds including this radical feathery one that blows my mind. I might get a tattoo of one some day, but first I want to get a mermaid sleeve.
- Key chains- There are so many different key chains in the world. Do you think that there are more key chains than keys? My favorite key chain I have owned I got at the Salvador Dali museum in St Petersburg, it is a pewter melting clock. I also have this neat one that is a tiny hourglass with sand in it that my dad got me on a vacation once, it's special cause my dad rarely gets me things. It reminds me that life is fleeting.
- Being a nerd- I like nerdy things, but I don't really know how much of a nerd I am. Sometimes I want to claim it because I think it adds a nice dimension to my personality but I don't know how it fits my identity. I wonder about this because I am not good at math and science and sometimes I question how smart I am. Mostly I think I am a pretty sharp cookie though, don't worry. I think this because some academic type things come with ease, but mostly because I find I think about things in ways that are different than other people. I tend to reflect deeply and frequently about meaning, causality, logic, presence, and intention. I am not in the body and mind of other people so I don't know exactly how different this is, but my interactions with other would lead me to believe this is kind of a unique thing. Last weekend I binged on Jeopardy & The Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson, I thought this was nerdy and it pleased me.
OK.
I guess that's enough. It's nice to write a little from time to time, even if I don't have all the words to express the inner workings. I'll do a reflection post on sobriety soon- I have a lot to say about that.
Until next time, expect great things!
