as I sit here, the lightness turns to dark

Salutations, kit cats.

Welp! I am laid up at the ol' home stead on account of effin up my shoulder some how, so I thought I would take the opportunity to update the bloggerruni. This weekend was a little sad in terms of motivation, but now I was just thinking that I didn't feel like spending the night browsing the interwebs (exclusively) or watching Netflix endlessly so I thought I would post.

That's right dear readers, producing content for you is better than the alternative. :)
Though, arguably this is as much for me as it is for you.

I have been thinking about loneliness as a thing, a condition, a state of being.

Mostly cause, I'm alone.

It's not really about the romantic love I am talking about, though, as you all know I do have a tendency to become obsessed preoccupied with that. Which after a close friend of called out the dating as a crutch of mine, I started to think about it in a deeper sense. For me, being "single" is a relatively new phenomena, and for most of my adult life I have been in a relationship (happily so, for the most part), so the way I am accustomed to traversing the world around me is with a partner. I enjoy it. I would even venture to say that I am good at it (though, I may not ask all of my exes for their input on that.. for obvious reasons). Point is I like to have something to my put my heart into, a point of respite for my thoughts, a place to hang my leftover words when I get home.
Facing the world solo in a new environment with everything being different is a formidable endeavor, no kidding. I think my houseplant Rufus is getting a little tired of my shit...
It's not just romantic though, today, for example when I had to leave work early because my shoulder pain was unbearable, I had to set my course: take the bus to the pharmacy, get stuff to make you better, get back on bus, go home, put stuff on, get better. There is a different perspective and take on life when you are forced to be self sufficient. Like, no one called me to see how I was doing, and that's fine, why should they? I just have be OK with that, because if you aren't, where do you go? I mean it can get deep and dark inside oneself, but what's the point in that.

So, you just rely on yourself, you trust yourself, you get comfortable in your skin, even those extra pounds that have crept up making you a little more Botero than Botticelli. You smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "hey! good morning! nice to see you!"
It's also been so wonderful to have friends call me and ask about my life, just having conversations with folks who really care about you can be really grounding. And there have been people here in Portland who have extended their welcomes, but I have a tendency to be slow on the uptake with friends. We'll see how it all pans out.

The search doesn't end, but I know no other way right now. I still miss Big Red (i know i know). I have met some more folks and they run all sides of the gamut, I find I don't do well with intensity...I need a more laid back approach (but aggressive!).

lol.


I don't know what I am looking for (in some ways I do, but it is always ineffable), maybe I am missing pieces of myself (though I doubt it), maybe this is just a phase. I think it will just feel right, or maybe this will be what forever will look like. My mom told me my dad said I was going to die old and alone in a hole (thanks dad, he also just picked up the phone and said he was really proud of me. so complex, my folks, I think they are just concerned). Who knows? Some people say good things are worth waiting for, some people say you can't find something like love when you are looking for it, well I am willing to bet that most of those people are in relationships. And I am sure I have said that before when I was in a relationship, but the truth is that you don't know. You don't know if I am ever going to find "it", whether I am looking or not. Some days I am really happy, some days I am really lonely, and sometimes I am both in the same day. Part of the human condition. Part of the human experience.

For whatever reason, I keep moving away from everyone.

I want to stay here for a while now...


Until next time, expect great things.

fog & sunshine

salutations kittens!

Stir fry for breakfast Saturday.

Settling in Portland is going pretty well. The fog is lifting somewhat and I am trying to balance the (what still feels like) insanity of the mental demands of work with trying to think about establishing a routine. I think I am coming to a point in my relocation in which that super crazy feeling that I have uprooted my life and put myself hundreds of miles away from most of my loved ones (again) is starting to subside and I am beginning to look around to see what is actually here. I was on a date last night with a very witty smart chap who dared ask, "but, what do you do when you are not at your awesome job?".

Very insightful question stranger!

Similar to my life in the Bay Area, I have been spending a lot of time going on dates and otherwise exploring the (nightlife) of the surroundings. Portland is teeming with restaurants and bars, and now that things have loosened up a little in the finances department, I am more able to really get out there. I don't necessarily always happen to go to these places on dates, and I have met some people IRL that have been really interesting. Most notably: Doll Williamson, an older lady I met at a bar and bought a tequila (chilled with salt on the rim) for, and this fellow who works for Pandora, who can name 700 different characteristics of music and now believes the art form is dead. When I found myself in his apartment at midnight unexpectedly I was like, "you should call a cab for me now, sir". Life continues to be an adventure.
I have been biking a bit (to dates admittedly, but biking none the less) and met this super cute punk rocker fellow from Chicago who has no apparent goals but is really great at pinball.

I guess the question posited last night is an obvious one, and one I have been grappling with more seriously in the last week since the dust is settling. Life is such a huge endeavor man, especially for ambitious people.
I can't like, just sit on my couch when I get off work and watch TV until I fall asleep every night and wake up and do it all over again 24/7. I need some more sustenance, extracurricular fodder to promote a greater awareness and justifies existence, and I need this even though my career is really fulfilling, which in some ways I had (naively) not anticipated.. 
In some ways it's awesome cause it's like, Oh! I am still in a state of growth, and in other ways it's like Shit! I just want to chill out.
Ha.

It's a combo, and I am glad I am feeling that nagging internally because I really want my day to day life to more closely resemble that internal vision I have for myself. Even though some of those things (like having a partner, more on that in a minute) are out of my control. I just need to be more focused and determined in figuring out what the steps/questions are so that I can start moving in that direction.

Some thoughts:

• Volunteering one day a week at the local humane society.
• Taking an art class (maybe etching or some other kind of art)
• Serious consideration to what exercise I want to do, I don't really feel like getting into any organized sport (unless there is a kickball team at work or something), but I feel a pressing need to incorporate some kind physical activity into my daily routine.
• Time management. I really need to sit down and map out hours of life, I love spontenatity, and I want it to be a part of my life, but I also want to live life intentionally.
• On the up side, I really like blogging. Readers or not. :D

We'll see. It's all a work in progress always until you die.

 In other news,

As maybe you, discerning reader, could tell from the post thus far, Big Red and I are no longer seeing each other. I know it was just three weeks and I was wary of it not working out the whole time, but I couldn't help be slightly bummed it did not to come to some more palpable fruition. It had been a long time since I felt that awesome combo of physical attraction and mental/emotional connection. He had been so trying to find his way and I had been so willing/wanting to be there for/with him while he found it. But there are some journeys you must take alone, and figuring ones place in the world after (during!) a divorce with two children is such a place.

I am really glad that I saw myself actually going through all of that tremendous hard work for the sake of someone else, someone I hardly knew. In some ways, I feel relieved, and in others I feel as if I really would have liked to have been able to apply my vibrancy in earnest to his life. I honestly feel like that experience has made me feel like I am capable and willing to deal and thrive with someone who has a lot of baggage if they are willing to reciprocate.

My love, so sweet, big, and encompassing. Just roaming the earth for now. We'll see where it ends up baking a home.

I think that is all I have for right now my kittens!
I have some work to do.... I'll let you know how it goes.

Until next time, expect great things...

whine, brie, chicken & biscuits

Salubrious salutations my fearless readers.

Fallor ergo sum - St Augustine

We are in the new age, the present tense, we live in the future at every moment, yet constantly salivate for that which we do not have. This is the human condition, and thank goodness because were it not for desire what would propel us forward through the muck of existence?

I think this post will cater to my philosophical ambling, which I don't actually tread as often as I would like. This evening I'll wax poetic about Aristophanes's eulogy in Plato's Symposium and about Nietzsche's concept of the Ubermench.

Ya, you know, the easy breezy stuff of life...

Anyway, for those of you who need a refresher (and I can't believe why you would!), Aristophanes gave this fine little speech at a dinner party one time. All these old white dudes were sitting around drinking wine, day dreaming about having sex with strapping young lads and pontificating about a variety of subjects but most prominently love and all it's trappings. It's one of Plato's better known works and it includes an all star cast with folks such as Socrates and Alcibiades taking turns at the bat. It's really a friggen amazing manuscript delving into one of the mechanisms that is so inherent within us human beings.
The speech that I keep coming back to time and time again is Aristophanes' ode to the concept of "wholeness". I think about this one a lot for a couple of reasons; one, because I really appreciate the fact that his account of love allows for folks of any gender combo to connect. Secondly, I am fascinated by the concept of a mythology in which humans are these androgynous creatures with twice the limbs who grew so pompous that Zeus smote them by breaking them in half and spreading them across the earth. Forever feeling incomplete and searching.
 

I suppose I am intrigued by this because it suggests that we are all, in the quest for finding a partner, making our way back to our original selves. If our most primal selves are whole, then the selves of modernity are broken, shards of flesh imbued with yearning. If you think about the state of being broken as a metaphor for feeling a need and a thirst for recuperating that fullness, then there is nothing more natural than constant desire.

I am attracted to this notion because in some ways it makes me feel less guilty for wanting to find a partner, after all in doing so I am just gravitating towards my natural state. Not that I feel an overwhelming guilt for wanting someone to shack up with forever, just little pangs of guilt here and there. I think there is this culture of being independent in our society, and with that comes a negative connotation with being single in some regards. Furthermore, the older you get the more it seems like you are being reckless or loveless, compounding the sense of urgency. I try to not let that mindset get to me as best I can.
The way I feel about it personally is that it's fine being single, there are things I really appreciate about it, and there are things I don't like (same as having a mate really). Truly, it's not my preferred state, but I don't feel sorry for myself, I just accept this as a stage in life like any other. It is an opportunity in a lot of ways to *try* and learn more about myself, I do get lonesome though. There is so much that is unknowable in this world, and ideally we are always growing and changing, single or not. I am not a fan of thinking that things happen for a reason, but more things happen and then we reason with them.

Also, I am slightly enthralled by the notion of eternal longing. Why? Because sometimes I think desire is better than satisfaction, contentedness, or fulfillment. And because I appreciate the fact that you can bank on loneliness as a constant, there aren't many things on this Earth you can count on...

Anyway... Moving on to the Overman.

It's a little late in the evening, and I don't want to make this post uber long by getting into the sordid Nietzschean details, but! Long story short one of the reasons I really dig the philosophy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra is because  the onus is placed on the individual to come up either a reason to keep living, or why bother. I am a big fan of ownership of the self in life because as far as we know or have experienced, we only get one shot so we better make it count.
A lot of folks see this philosophy as kind of depressing, I reckon because you can't offset your despair by putting all hope in some imaginary being. That is a lot to chew on... Maybe ask me some questions and we can do a more participatory experience if thou art so inclined. Otherwise I will continue to ruminate.

In other news...

I am still seeing the married daddy. Sometimes your own utterances seem strange, even to yourself. But passion will do its thing without much consideration towards logic. I met his baby (and his brother, AND his father), all went well except for the baby completely going into mute mode when he was around me. I didn't take it too personal, but recognized the situation as a little less than ideal, I made the best of it and enjoyed the Oregon Zoo Lights and Big Red's company.
Things are coming to a point in which we are becoming real human beings, expressing our lives, hang-ups, baggage, and needs to each other (shit is getting REAL) which is actually quite nice. There is always that [sweet] awkwardness when you first start seeing someone, getting past that and actually being able to see them within the context of their lives is a great thing. I have been making excellent progress on the communicating my feelings front, so that's real. I am still quite smitten, and enjoying every minute of it.
Updates as they develop.


Work is...

going well.

Every day that passes I feel like I am closer to understanding. The hardest thing right now is time management; today I estimated something should take an hour and it took three. (!) I am confident I will get the hang of it... I love my work, and I believe in it, and it just makes me happy as anything even though it's so hard.
I had my first "informational interview" today. I don't know if you know what that means, but basically it's like someone buys you a coffee and picks your brains about your life choices because they think there is some value to your blathering.
Well let me tell you my friends it was a sweet cup of coffee!

It felt super sweet to be like, yea! I know this shit is great! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT. Even though my time is so short I have to be here an extra hour just to be able to talk to you. I will take that coffee and I will give you the BEST advice I can.
:D


Yea. Things are good.

Until next time my silent kittens, expect great things...