treat me like the sea oh so salty and mean

Salutations, mon petite meows!

Things were frosty in the Pacific Northwest this week.

It's always such an odd thing to me, to talk about the weather, we all do it of course. But it never ceases to be a little awkward feeling for me, even if (maybe especially when) it's well received banter. Like, "yea, I couldn't come up with anything better to talk to you about either..." you never know really. Maybe it's just me. There are exceptions, things such as the "Polar Vortex" which is a crazy phenomena and deserving of prime air time. Maybe it goes back to me having an aversion to small talk and not wanting to say something unless it was worth saying. Sometimes I think too much.

It's raining today.

In fact, I think there is only one person I actually enjoy talking about the weather to, and that's my mom. It's always like, life or death when it comes to the weather with my mom, and she always makes me feel good about being a pansy in the cold. If I tell my mom it's 40 degrees outside she goes off on this 10 minute diatribe about freezing cold weather (I know 40 isn't freezing, but I wouldn't tell her that) and tells me all the things I should and shouldn't do. Like wash my hair or take a shower in the morning, or go outside and if I do wear a gazillion layers. Plus I get to hear all of her stories from when she lived in New Jersey for five years and nearly died (you could nearly DIE) from waiting at a bus stop for ten minutes (her thighs were PURPLE). Some how these stories now just make me feel really comfortable after hearing them for the umpteenth time, and knowing she won't be around forever to tell them.
Anyway, all that said, it's fucking cold out there. I am still flabbergasted at the fact that people actually *enjoy* winter sports, maybe I am too Florida/tropical to my core, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Hopefully next year I'll be adequately prepared and that will perhaps make me more receptive to it.

Until such time, I will remain super cozy indoors. Enough about the weather... ;)

I want to write about Myers-Briggs!

I took a quiz this past weekend to find out what personality type I was, prompted by someone from OK Cupid coincidentally, I actually decided to finally take it because people sling around their personality types like astrological signs on that site. I feel like it's our modern civilized version of a shortcut to understanding "who you are as a person" at a quick glance. It's kind of an odd and interesting phenomena, but that is not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is my result, which was ENFP (for those of you incognizant to the whole deal here's a little primer to the conversation).

So, first, I remember taking the test years ago and scoring INFP, which is pretty close to what I got now except for the I stands for "Introversion" and the E stands for "Extroversion". My test noted that there was a 1% skew from intro to extro, which I thought was fascinating because I feel like I traditionally have had a self perception of being introverted but had been making a conscious effort to be more outward in my processes. Evaluating my evolution cursorily I would say the results of my efforts have been mixed. I now feel like there is nothing to fear from the interactions with others because they are comprised of flesh and blood same as me, and I am not one to prescribe to public opinion. However, the fact that social hierarchies exist and affect your life is inescapable, and I find I lack social graces and subtleties in many respects. I currently am trying to learn how to chart the waters of societal spheres because effective navigation will assist in promoting my agenda, not to mention make life easier.

I feel like I am a fighter, which has served me well in terms of propelling me to where I want to be and helping me work my way through the hurt, usually coming out shining on the other side. But fighting takes too much energy, as I am getting older I am trying to make the transition from defiant moxie to urbane elocution, all the while knowing I will always stay true to myself and my agenda and that if all goes well I will fall somewhere in the middle.
So, secondly, what the heck is this "agenda" I keep mentioning? Well, interestingly that is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Something about "achieving your dreams" leaves you in a really weird spot, especially if it is something career focused and something that will always require constant growth and change in the professional arena. I am not my job, even though in some ways it is what I have been working towards most of my life.

Which brings me to one of the most thought provoking interpretations of my Myers-Briggs results, according to my personality profile:

"To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values."

This notion, while it rings really true to who I feel I am deep inside, leaves me a bit at a loss. One of the reasons I feel I have been so effective at maintaining a positive disposition is that I keep my notions of truth and perceptions of reality deliberately vague and all encompassing. However, it seems that this strategy will prove ineffective because maintaining a continuum of moral ambiguity will  ultimately leave me without a proper value structure system by which to govern my life and corral my emotions.

Yikes!

This realization, while not necessarily earth shattering does encourage me to listen to that little nagging voice in the depths of my consciousness that wonders how we've  managed to slide by without adhering to a consistent moral framework. 
Truth is I have just been avoiding it. The F in the ENFP is "Feeling" v "Thinking", this obviously doesn't mean I am not a deep thinking individual (as this and perhaps all my other blog posts will attest to), rather it implies that I make decisions based on my feelings rather than my logical conclusions. If those feelings are based on a loosely conceived moral structure it would follow that in some ways I am adrift and have nothing to live for.

Heavy? Right!? I know...

It is and it isn't. This seems to me to be the culmination of one stage of life and the inception of another, one with an increasingly inescapable attention to inward scrutiny and call for value judgements consistent with established moral frameworks. I am hesitant, which is to say I am feeling emotional growing pains. A part of me thinks that aligning to any moral structure (even it is personally prescribed) will = no fun, and truthfully I think that danger does exist but it doesn't have to happen. Another, more elusive aspect of this new found need for a personally sound moral structure is uncovering the idea that in some regards I have been holding off on actually envisioning what I want for my future (past the point where I am now) until I have a partner with which to do it.
Ack!
Being single for the longest stretch in my adult life has got me thinking that I have to now figure out the future shit (dog, car, house, travels, fucking the mentally ubiquitous blue milk wash spice rack) for myself, by myself. Because I can't put that shit on hold, you know? It's so odd!  When you envision your life, you just envision it alongside someone else and these choices are a team effort, but you can't live that way if you don't have a partner. Even if you do expect hope you will have one in the future. Not that you have to have a partner to plan your future or that you even need to plan a future in a world that is not static and lives that are so susceptible, but personally, I need something to work with. That plan unfortunately can't be a life with someone else because that is something out of my control.

Lots to think about. Thanks for riding through this post if you did wade through the entirety, it was long and heavy, but really useful for me.

Until next time, gentle reader, expect great things.

this is the story of a girl...

sal·u·ta·tion  (săl′yə-tā′shən)

n.

1.

a. A polite expression of greeting or goodwill.

b. salutations Greetings indicating respect and affection; regards.

2. A gesture of greeting, such as a bow or kiss.

3. A word or phrase of greeting used to begin a letter or message.

One of the highlights of her day was finding her favorite Chex Mix® at the local convenience store.

She had just been on a really long walk, a new kind of "Friday post work" tradition she had established after moving to this new town just a couple months prior. Partially because she wasn't used to sitting in a cubical for eight hours and could use the exercise, and partially because she really enjoyed the pedestrian perspective of the world. Everything usually whizzes past us so quickly these days, when you are walking somewhere you have to pay attention.
Her new city was a very interesting combination of urban and suburban, wherein one block you could be steeped in these very picturesque country homes with front yard gardens and baby swings hanging from old trees, and a pair of well worn lounge chairs. In the next it's a bustling cityscape with restaurants, bars, kava tea shoppes, and lot's of pet clothing stores, complete with the patrons who take those sorts of things seriously. She fancied herself the type of person that could silently mock the luxury pet items while still enjoy the fact that someone really cared if Fido had a plaid raincoat secretly pleased her.
It was a rainy plaid sort of town.

She liked walking around and peering in the open windows. Sometimes people imagine what the lives of the people who lived in the houses were like, this is not what she imagines on her strolls. Instead she liked to picture herself in their places, living their happy or malcontent lives. Sitting around the dinner table trying to make the fussy baby eat dinner, or lounging on the couch watching the ball game; face illuminated holy in the blue glow.
Is it only unhappy people who pretend they are other people?
Our heroine never thought of herself as unhappy, quite the opposite in fact. Bright as anything, she had a special ability to bring cheer wherever she went, and her smile was a veritable contagion. Inside however, she processed a lot, and during that time of internal churning she doubted. Doubt, she thought, was a hallmark of unhappiness, but also an indispensable quotient of wonderment and discovery. So, here she was charting new territory and reveling in the uncertainty of our times.

Sometimes it feels like the lives we are living are too much of this or not enough of that, and one of the things we often loose sight of is our privilege and perspective. There was an idea that had been inculcated in her mind at a very young age by her father, and this was to not look to people who had it better off than she did, but instead to look at those whose lives were less fortunate. That would cause her to always reevaluate her woes by attempting to look at them through another lens, sometimes the guilt from feeling sadness had been assuaged by remembering the fact that she was human. Thus entitled to run the gamut of experience and emotion, just not enough to be engulfed by the negativity that seemingly imbues much this earth, hopefully. There is too much to feel to spend too much time any one place.

After walking around for two hours, achieving the two goals she set out with; of obtaining the new months bus pass and exploring the Pearl district, she headed back in the direction of her home thinking about whether to stop at a bar or a restaurant for dinner. It was getting late and she was hungry. The more she thought about it, and as she walked past restaurants chock full of patrons, the more here solitary status irked her. Friday nights are date nights she thought, and being alone on this night would make her stand out more than she usually did when she went out alone. You have to be in a certain place to deal with the stigma of singleness, and she was not there on this particular evening. That is something people don't think about when they are in a couple, they go through their lives in tandem, and that is as much a part of living as anything else. When you are single, going through life is a solo ordeal, and many functions have the couple model built into it.

So she decided to set a course for her local convenience store, where she gleefully reunited with her favorite snack. And a couple bottles of red wine...

Until next time, she thinks you should expect that great things should happen. In your life! The same way she expects great things will happen in hers, and sends her good thoughts that all of the things that you, dear reader, desire, will come true...