Salutations!
I was inspired to produce this blog post by something that was in the news recently, not because it is directly related, but because I am trying to become better at recognizing revolutionary thought when it happens and taking the initiative to think it through. The news that inspired me was the reorganization of Google into a new parent company called Alphabet. I was really pleased by the shift, mostly I think because of the approach of the CEO. He approached it as a rethinking and refocusing of energy towards a new venture that was more nimble in terms of action and more able to take risks. Implying, I think that this shift would really catapult the company into a new category of innovation and possibility in modernity. Or, perhaps that is how I am interpreting. The ability to take risk is a scary and sometimes a foolish pursuit, shaking up the status quo does not come naturally to many.
What drives us if not the volition to exeed our expectations of ourselves? What would we be capable of if we had wings to fly? If the boundaries to our landscape were lifted, would we spill out of the corners of propriety?
There are the physical boundaries, and there are the metaphysical. In many ways I am talking about both. Where is the realm of our minds? Where the unenacted possibilities?
There is much to cloud our perception.
The pressure of our quiotidian lives, the ever more perturbing news headlines that truly make it seem like we as a society are walking backwards.
But what about me??
This is, my blog after all, how do I feel that all fits into my scheme of things. Right?
Well, only as much as I can will it to. How much does the individual will affect the collective consciousness? How much should it to matter to me?
The words rumble so quickly past the mental cavity it's hard to fit it into the keys and in between the spaces. Our universe is dying too, did you know?
The way we share is transforming, the way we love? Will that stay the same? Because I am not elsewise occupied does that mean i am more driven to create something enduring?
As the crooked roman nosed homosexual turns his face into a slow shake, I can't tell you why I am ridden with more swiftly moving questions than barreling down the pike. Words my lovely companions through the wrought, also my slight arch nemesis as they drone on intangible yet indelible in their hold. They are vehicles for my expression, you understand, the stuff of mind transferred to the outside world like it matters. Cause it does.
And that is why I am here, but even still I don't acknowledge it to the most of it's potential.
How close am I, I wonder. If the whole of possibility was a color spectrum, what side would I be on? Are there those who are color blind? Who cannot see the breadth of it? What of the insecurity and the words left unsaid?
I am honestly more interested in myself, in the articulation as faithful to the grey matter as I could hope to get. I want to PUSH, i want to get to the boundaries, but I don't understand what that means, only that it exists.
How can I be sure of that? I feel it.
Brushing past my brow with voracity.
I am at a bar currently as I write this.
I am thinking about the dates that I have been on here. The lives I have touched, however briefly. What yardstick do we use to gauge our significance? Could I have mattered in a profound way?
I just feel like I am deep. But, what does that even mean? And why do I value it? Maybe I am just on an unaided quest to elevate human thought. Ha!
Maybe I need more hobbies. But, like, what if it's true?? What if this inkling is suggesting at something higher?
It would be nominal. That is bashing, but really even I was thinking the most epic, progressive, forward moving thoughts, that would propel existence to new un hitherto known levels I still wouldn't have the bandwidth to get it out. Or, maybe I am more selfish than wanting to expel that energy.
It'd be funny if someone I went on a date with once would come in here on another date, a whirly twirly merry go round, we all pick a horse and GO!
I want the sea unicorn.
Oh yea, so how is things Ivel? (you may be asking) Well, I can tell you.
Things are pretty fine.
Portland is Portland, and I am trying to take advantage of the openness of it all. The simultaneous din of it all. It's a beautiful thing, for all my loneliness and sadness, I totally recognize the blessing that it is to be here. Working my job. Living in my apartment.
I just need some fucking milestones.
I am uneasy with the lull. My restless personality makes it difficult to acquiesce to the temptation of living day to day. Improvement is the prime directive, it is not an optional occurrence of happenstance.
I have decided that age is as good a mile marker as any and that 35 will be the one.
So. I am just at the cusp of 33.
WHAT OF IT.
A couple of years. To dick around, to figure "it" out. Again again again.
For better or worse it seems that Portland will be the formative years of my thirties, I think it's not as "easy" as other places that I have been. And while that has caused pause in me up till now, what the fart! When have I ever backed away from a challenge (real or perceived)?
The loneliness is, admittedly, taking it's toll.. Fuck it though. I can't let fruition of self be dictated by the inability of the male folk of Portland to get hip to the amazingness that is moi.
Shooooot.
So, that leaves me here. And here is just fine.
For one because of the options, and for two because I am a creature who makes the most of where I am at.
I fucking thrive, godammit.
I think, honestly, that I had envisioned having the whole shebang more or less dialed in by now. In some ways it's really shitty that I haven't. Mostly because of the mental work I mentioned earlier, because ideally whatever situation got me feeling "settled" would also have been conducive to growth. Right now, I am in charge; of all the bills, of all the medical shit, of all the health, and most poignant, of ALL of the thoughts. They over floweth, my dear readers, I just have to figure out how to sort, catalogue, and implement or file away. That is not as complicated as it sounds, just more work than I had anticipated, and at a time in which I might very well rather have alternative focuses, stayin alive does take up a good bit of energy, my friends. Especially when your penchant for shaking things up continually rips you away from any semblance of community or people who give three shits about you and thrusts you into the unknown.
A writhing, squirming, larvae.
:D
I think that's it from the front lines, dearest kittens. I didn't move the needle as far as I wanted, but i started to at least and that is what matters.
Until next time, Be Well and....
Expect Great Things..
