Vestige of a Lingering Past

Salutations! 

Today's post is part of a writing exercise I am working on with a friend. We came up with some topics, tossed them in a bag, and then chose one to write about.

The first topic was: Modest Mouse.

I didn't write that topic, but I guess you could say that I might have some thoughts about it...

Here they are:

Having a favorite band is a cheesy thing. It’s the kind of thing kids judge you by in middle school, a time you haven’t quite acquired enough lived experience to garner other markers of greatness. In that era, the choices were more based on what we wanted ourselves to be, musical prophesies portraying our most desired selves. I was pretty punk in those days, a fact that can now retrospectively read as a bid for power and a sharp anti-authoritarian streak. Most likely this was born of my aversion to organized religion, or a penchant for skater boys, both pretty important life choices if you ask me. 

Favorite bands come and go with the years, often matching patterns of upswells and downward spirals. I would say the signature greats of my youth still remain pretty significant to me today, they instilled in me a sense of questioning authority that is a marked personality trait. More importantly however, they prompted me to think. I found solace in the chords and ramble of politically charged lyrics, I found comfort in the notion of a societally disenfranchised minority.

The older I got the less important music became to me. I was introduced to nerd rock by a boyfriend and music became less about angst and struggle and more about fun and light heartedness. The bands of that time in my life were never to become my favorites. They were a way to pass the time but never something that resonated with the core of who I was. I began to think that music was not something I was terribly into, just something to place in the background while life was happening.

Then I met my favorite band.

Modest Mouse isn’t an epic band. At least not in the way that most people would categorize or conceive such a thing. They weren’t particularly revolutionary in the way they played or the things they sang about. Truth be told I actually had an aversion to them for a few years because I thought their name was dumb (beacon of understanding, I know). When I finally got around to listening to them it hit me like a ton of bricks in the face, I was hard crushed by the beauty of it.

I would now say that I am certainly lyrically driven. There is something about the blue collar poetry of Isaac Brock that brings me to me knees emotionally. It resonates deep in my being, expressing thoughts I had not yet managed to conjure to the surface. Truly part of what was attractive to me about the music was that he was, in a way embracing not knowing the ultimate purpose, acknowledging being an asshole, and making it ok.

It must be said now that there was a time in my life in which I thought I was no good. I felt that deep down inside I was a callous, disconnected, and cold person.

This may be surprising for you to hear if you know me now. Or even if you knew me back when I actually believed it to be true. I am a characteristically warm person, I smile all the time and am very concerned with the comfort and well-being of others. When I was in my early twenties I was hung up on deserting my family in Florida, especially my mom, who has epilepsy and narcolepsy. I don’t think I was consciously aware of feeling this “hung up” on my decisions to leave my house. Quite the contrary, I think I would say that I was very empowered by my choices and volition. Especially because in many ways I was flying in the face of everything I had been brought up to know as my historical, though admittedly latent, cultural ties back to Cuba, where my family is from. 

I was a rebellious kid, as you may remember from my punk rock days, but not because I hated my family or wanted to be as far away from them as I could get, as they would guilt trip me into believing. I was rebellious because my thoughts didn’t follow any particular convention, because I was stifled by a state of affairs that would dictate my future before I had a chance to fuck it up all by myself.

I always knew I wouldn’t. I trusted myself and my choices, even if I felt like I was a bad person for putting me first, that wasn’t going to stop me from moving forward. It never has. The consequence of that way of thinking was that part of me always felt like a selfish asshole. I think in some ways this was detrimental in me creating healthy, positive relationships with the people in my life. In a part of my mind and in the way I related to them, they were always dispensable, and I knew that I had to be ok with removing them (or myself) from the equation if it became necessary to protect my free will and self-directed trajectory.

When I think about it now, it’s not an absurd premise or reaction to have, you grow up in an environment that squelches individuality and inculcates you to be unequivocally beholden to a paradigm that you believe is stifling and fundamentally full of shit and of course you are going to be an asshole. It’s more about self-preservation than it is about the outside world. I know that now, I didn’t know it then.

These days I am more prone to pop music. My happiness is brimming from my psyche and spilling out onto the radio dial. While I still prefer the more solemn choices I find myself also more open to other more conventional outlets.

That all said, I always come back to Modest Mouse. I fluctuate in which albums and songs I prefer, but there is always one that is appropriate to every moment. I think, as happy and positive a person as I am, my thoughtfulness will always set me in a place of understood sadness.

Because, nothing means anything, really. At least it’s nice to know that I will always have a favorite  band to come home to. 

Till next time, my kittens, you know the drill...

Expect great things!

Like that time I started to say things then stopped.

Salutations my dear readers,

It's been a good while since my last confession, er, blog post...

I guess I have been keeping busy, things have been bustling on the friend scene (surprise!), including but not limited to weekend getaways with new friends, multiple visits from old ones, and outdoor excursions, all nestled in dates and going out in general it's just been a regular ol' life.

SO.

What of it.

I stopped seeing my shrink cause I realized (succumbed to the fact that) those kinds of things are for the bourgeoisie and not for poor folks like me who have things like sanity and student loans. It's fine, at this point in my life it's not like I don't *know* what are the things I need to do and how I need to get them. I am not saying that I can't use some help, I think we all can, but at present I am definitely not in a position that places me in a situation in which that recourse is economically viable.

That's cool.

I think I need to find my own bootstraps so that I can pull them up. Which, is easier said than done, but now that I have been living in Portland for a year (almost) I feel like I am in a better position to figure those other bits out. It's so friggen difficult when you have this enormous goal you are working towards and then you get there and you are left looking around flummoxed, trying to pin down what comes next. It's a process. All the time.

What do "adult goals" look like? 

Is it money? Is it other types of career related markers? Is it family? What elements are within my control and which ones are not? Am I at peace with those parameters, whatever they may be?

I think what I have to focus on now is how I am going to leave my mark on the world. Is that mark is going to be my next goal or I am content to "work a job" and then come home and have other interests I am cultivating. A mark can/will be made either way, I guess what I am reckoning with right now is how much energy I have to devote and how I want to direct my efforts. Sure, I am poised to "make a difference" where I am right now, but how is my work now laying the groundwork for my future self.

It's really meaty heady stuff to consider. One of the nice things about getting older is that you realize that there is a certain pace to life and thought process, and you begin to become patient (not complacent) with the unfurling of the future. In some ways we have a lot of time, and in others any moment can be our last. Finding the balance in living a fulfilling life is, in my estimation, acknowledging the extent of your volition and the reality of your breadth. 

Whatever that may be.

For now, if  I listen to the pleas of my past self I need to get on the ball with the volunteering thing. Truly, I am ingesting the landscape of life right now. It's nice, I am all like, settling in and stuff. Coming into my own and whatnot. 

Properly transitioning into my 30's!!!

Huzzah.

Anyway.

I am still single, surprise surprise! OI...

Nothing to be done. I am at the more peaceful side of wits end. I know I can't actually do anything about it. I killed my facebook a few months ago (it's going great!) and kept the Tinder and OKC to sort of mitigate my pangs of desolation. But really, I am crazy! I will block a bloke because they don't reply in a day and I will write someone off because they have bad breath (who wants to swap spit with stinky?!). 

I am so far gone on this tirade of love that I have lost all semblance of what "organic" or "holistic" could connote in this circumstance. I am really thinking I need to just cut off the online thing all together, consider the rest of my life and just throw a big ol' fuckitall in the face of my demons.

Getting there, don't you fret, Self.

AND

That is an update my dears!!! I hope it satiates your palate in terms if Ivel.

Oh, I was in a magazine! 

Here it is: http://www.portlandmonthlymag.com/news-and-profiles/science-and-technology/articles/the-mad-science-behind-omsis-greatest-exhibits-october-2014 

That was rad.

Otherwise, as in all in life and for the nether my dears, expect great things...

Au revoir summah!

Salutations mon amies!

The end of summer is upon us...
Death to the frivolity, long live the frivolous!

Topics:

My week @ home.

I went home for my sister's wedding a couple weeks ago.

It was sweet and self-affirming in regards to my conceptions of the appropriateness of a traditional style wedding for me, which is to say not at all. It was definitely nice to see my sister going through the motions (after five years of dating the same dude, I was starting to lose hope that it would happen at all), but a lot of it did seem like an alien ceremony to me.

It was really special to witness my sister go through such a right of passage. I felt just a little twinge of internal oddity that it was happening to her first instead of me, a feeling exacerbated by two certain Cuban grandmas who kept making old maid comments in my general direction and pointing at their imaginary biological wristwatches. In retrospect I shouldn't have really so surprised because if I recall correctly my sister also had a boyfriend and her first kiss before I got around to either of those things.
I know I want to get married, eventually, just I am not in a hurry to think about that without first having someone in mind that I want to do it with. That just seems kinda creepy and a little bit desperate.
In fact, when the bouquet toss came around I was standing a little on the sidelines, I did make an honest go at it (and actually caught half of it from the floor, that I later relinquished to the other halfer) but I didn't really have my heart in it. By the way they did a re-toss and that same lady who had the other half when I caught it got elbowed in the eye when she dove for it the second time, brutal! I learned my lesson... and stayed away from the business of bride things.



Going back "home" has this effect on me in which I feel like nothing fits me right. It is awesome in some ways because I've grown and I feel really validated in my choices, my current place geographically and otherwise. On the flip side of the coin it constantly makes me wonder where the heck did I come from?!

My folk's home in Florida houses many of my old journals, scrapbooks, photos and otherwise precious archival Ivel materials. It is really neat to check in every year or so and chart my progress. It occurred to me on this visit that I have come a long way in terms of goals and recognizing my self worth, woo! Also I realized that there are many things that plague me currently have plagued me for many years. I guess that's alright, I am continually pushing at the boundaries of comfort and achievement. I think I returned with a renewed lens and a refreshed perspective.
I think it's good times in my life now, I have space for working on the neglected bits.



[anti] Romantic things

So, I don't usually go on about the details of any one particular date unless something of note occurs, you may recall the dapper fellow who commented on my "shade", but I had a date yesterday that might go down in the books as one of my most awkward and uncomfortable dates in Ivel history.

I guess I'll start with the precursor that it was a Tinder date. If you aren't familiar with Tinder, it's an app in which the user is presented with a picture and they can swipe left if not interested and right if they are. After two people swipe right, which is to say you find each other mutually physically appealing, a chat box opens up and you are able to converse.
There is a small space for a "bio" where you can write a little bit about yourself, but if my own experience tells me anything no one really looks at that until after you match.



Anyway, needless to say it's not exactly the breeding ground for meaningful relationships, but I am open minded and am giving it a chance.
I have had a few of experiences, so to speak, nothing has been too shabby and it's been even comparable to okCupid dating, especially because I tend to screen people beforehand with "what do you do?", "where are you from?", "what are you looking for?" kinds of questions. For example anyone who answers the latter with "PUSSY" gets discarded right away (true story).
But truly, it's not always the way it works out, because sometimes, late at night you are Tindering, and you just wanna go out, maybe not to hook up all the way per say, but maybe a little makeout time.
 On one of said encounters, which started after ten pm (my usual my bed time) at a bar, I met this guy who I'll call Whitewater. I won't get too deep into details, because I don't want to relive them, but I did get clues fairly soon about the kind of person I was dealing with and that weren't all savory. Things like, "why did you move to Portland?" "for the whitewater" "excuse me?".

I don't know. I guess what this interaction makes clear to me is that I am not suited for some overly tattooed (I love tattoos, don't get me wrong, but this guy had a huge skull and paddles for crossbones across his belly with the words "Fire It Up" scrawled over it. Which, I later found out was a result of a loosing bet, and was meant to be much smaller except the guys at the shop goaded him into getting a bigger one) fellow who's life purpose is white water rafting. But beyond this it shows me that I need to be more faithful to my screening procedures and guttural responses.

SO to give you a little more nitty gritty on the mildly catastrophic second date that should have never happened itself, Whitewater was texting me in the morning about wanting to hang out, I was like, oh, I want to go to the art museum, but he was like lets go for a hike into some hot springs. After a little bit of internal deliberation, I decided that ok, I would go on a date outside, maybe to a hot spring, but I wouldn't get into any water. Summer is after all on it's way out, and I could potentially go to the museum on any rainy day.
Whitewater was hungover to begin with, which is a dubious position to start any activity in, let alone a date. We went on a pretty nice hike in the gorge. The discourse was lacking, slightly poignant, and likely indicative of an erroneous choice on my part. It seemed however, that he was really into it and was even trying to get saucy with me on the trail, advances which I dismissed resolutely.
Then we came back and had a late lunch at Pambiche (my favorite Cuban restaurant) and he wasn't feeling so great, but it was happy hour.



So I ordered a bunch of food thinking, oh, even if he doesn't eat much I will be able to take some of these tasty Cuban treats home for later consumption. He eats a little bit and sips his red beer and the whole meal he just goes on and on about how shitty he feels and how he doesn't understand how he could feel this way. I am getting really bad signals from all of this and at one moment he suggests going back to my house and laying down on the couch to watch a movie (he promises he won't "try anything") and I am like absolutely not. So I offer to take public transit home so that he can get "home" quicker and he is like, no of course he will give me a ride home.
We leave the restaurant and as we are walking to his car he makes that face people make when they are vomiting in their mouth, and then he just proceeds to projectile vomit all over the sidewalk. Like, serious upchuck all over the curb, people are looking at us and I am just shrugging like, "oh, kids you know.." looking at him, just unsure what to do, wanting to turn around and run as fast as I can, not spilling the contents of my tummy or the doggy bag.
At one point when I realize what is happening is real I start making my own gagging motions and think if I stay near this person, I am going to throw up! He is pulling it together leaning against his car and says "Has this put me into the permanent friend zone?? Wait, don't look, there is vomit on my shoe."
I just lose it.
No sir, this does not put you in the friend zone, this puts you in the "holy fucking shit, I can't believe I let this scene happen to me! I am never speaking to this person again let alone riding with them in their vomity, BO smelling car for a ride ANYWHERE" zone.
The only thing I can think to do, after I stopped gagging, was to say, I can't go home with you, this is really wrong, I do hope you feel better soon, and I just walk away. He calls to me something I can't distinguish, and I just shake my head and give him a thumbs up, and he yells at me again, "Your water bottle!!". I was like, oh, right, I went over to grab it and make a comment about how silly it was that I left it there and he tries again to convince me to get in the car with him. I was like, No Way.
I just walk away, to a cemetery with my leftovers in tow, and call one of my best friends and tell them the whole story as he laughs at me as the corpses rest silently with nothing to add after having lived all their most wretched moments, which far surpass any ridiculousness I have conjured in my existence to date.

Some lessons learned (in numerical order for ease of reading):
1. Do not date someone who refers to you as "some chick" when talking to their friend about who they are with.
2. Do not date someone who does not have a regular job, nor a proper place to live that includes a shower.
3. Do not date someone who refers to you as "dude" repeatedly.

To be clear on all of this debacle, it is not Whitewater's fault that he vomited. It is however, his responsibility as a grown man to know his limits and to speak up when a situation had gone far beyond his control. That is to say, I am not a babysitter! I could have been more sympathetic to his predicament, but the fellow in question did not inspire me to do so.
I am not one for faking things.

In short, lessons learned!!

And as always, me dear readers, expect great things!! (even if what you get sometimes is projectile vomiting)...

I'm just sitting down.Thinking about nothing, Looking at the thin air, Breathing up the oxygen

Salutations my homies.

As of late I have been feeling a little bit like there is a lot in my head so I thought maybe I should spill some it out, onto you...

I get built up inside, a kind of mental constipation. Following that metaphor, this blog post is a big steaming turd. 

:D

I went to my first therapist visit this weekend. Like, ever, in life. 

Maybe this doesn't surprise you, but if you know me at all then it might surprise you that I would seek outside assistance. I think because I make it a point to be self-reliant.  

I guess I was just in the right place in my life to go after it. It has been a long time coming, particularly  towards the end of Grad School and after. Things have been accumulating in me in ways I can't make total sense of. I am just thinking thinking thinking all the time, and we all know that ain't a bit healthy.  Not that thinking is inherently a bad thing ( I am a big fan of it obviously), but I think the combination of being at a turning point in my life and not having people who love me close to me was not conducive to growth. Being understood is a big deal. Sometimes I feel like I am flailing about like a fish out of water, spasms of incomprehension. Or sometimes people are kind and smile and nod in that way that indicates they aren't really that concerned in getting very invested. Which is fine, of course, not everyone has to be interested. Best intentions, I am sure. I am not a light load to bear in any sense of the word, and if my truest friends are any testament, I am a rather tough cookie to crack.

It's all levels you know. If you want to get in there you have to show me you care. 

I bet most people are like that. I feel like it takes a lot of sledge hammering to get to my heart. For whatever reason. For all the reasons.

Well, anyway, therapy was swell. Nothing quite so interesting as telling my thoughts to a well meaning stranger trained in hearing thoughts and letting them sort them out for a price. I'll do it again, but I can't get any whiter cause they'll revoke my Latino privileges. 

She said things like, "It sounds like you are saying you need a community"...

I'm all like, Shit! Yes! That, IS what I am saying! You witch woman, you.

So, yea, I am excited to see what may come of that. There is a lot rolling around up there, especially now that my work is so heady. I am in my head all day, and then come home and am in my head some more.  It wasn't really going anywhere but downward. I am strong and can stay alive, but thriving in the face of such tumult is a different kind of story.

I think that is one of the reasons I like dating so much. It's like a mental break because I have to answer questions instead of introspect. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it can yield a lot of good things but can be weary if it amounts to a lot of nothing. In some ways I feel like I can and do conjure a great many fantastic thoughts, but they whirl around and drown because I lack a proper soundboard, or maybe for other reasons too.

Anyway.

Oregon is pretty good. Making friends, breaking hearts, going for walks, eating olive oil ice cream, drinking many Old Fashions, experiencing things and getting it all right and wrong at the same time. 

Summer is whizzing by very quickly! It has been hot here, and not having an AC has meant some uncomfortable evenings. So spoiled. So Floridian of me. Cold showers. Lot's of them.

I have been doing a lot of sitting actually. I think like never before I am feeling really comfortable in my house and consequently have no problem just being still. In some ways that is great, in other ways it leads to more in my head time, which as you may have noticed is not all that great without some outdoor time to process. i find myself super missing the ocean still. I know it's only two hours away, but it feels like a lot more than that.

I am not getting enough exercise. Sedentary work life is staking it's toll on me, both physically and mentally. I know I need to motivate myself and do something, I am finding it really difficult to do so.

My therapist had a little bit of insight (even in our introductory session!) about this, which is to say that she asked me a question that set me off in a way of thinking. 

Her insight was that, perhaps I should stop waiting to live the kind of life I want to live until I find a partner. Right? Duh. Makes sense, easier said than done however.

I recognize the more time that passes the more I need to start thinking in that way.

I just had a memory flash in my mind of shopping in a Mamaroneck Trader Joes, I actually have no real recollection of what that place looks like or if that memory is even real. 

My early twenties are so idealized in my memory. Part of me knows they weren't really all that, but in a lot of ways it was a nice combination of clarity and ignorance. There was a lot of goodness going on in terms of meeting feelings and understanding intentions, truth be told.

In other news, I went to a professional conference in New Mexico, first one. It was pretty rad and totally bizarre. I was totally a guest of honor, which was a crazy thing! I have to write a proper blog post for a museum site soon, so you can stay tuned for that.

What else.

This post feels a little anticlimactic, but I reckon that's ok, cause that is how I feel...

Till next time my loves...

Expect great things....

A disservice to your self...

Salutations.

From a land in the great Pacific Northwest, where water pushes it's way through the atmosphere at great rates and the greenery abounds and astounds the terrain with its presence.

My worries are not epic or traumatic in nature, but they are my worries and I keep them well contained in a little piece of real estate near to my heart, metaphorically of course. In reality they are securely nestled in some convoluted conduit of my byzantine brain, well fed with immaterial fodder. 

Amid the car door slams, bumps in the night, and loud rock music life marches on at an acceptable pace. Trading gang bangers for meth heads, it's here it's there, just know babies wherever you are you have only what you bring with you. Heart heavy, heart full, spilling out into the empty spaces between us. What for? No intrinsic rhyme with reasons obscured somewhere and only manifest in hindsight. I reach out in many directions with varying levels of discretion, I give and take in unequal measure. Not entirely sure which way the pendulum is swinging currently, but determined to not let it take me out on it's way down.

Why do doors open and close so often? Why do I find myself wanting things to be still?

I know some depraved part of me must thrive in this discomfort, because by some psychologically masochistic tendency here I am again; uprooted, replanted, unsure and aching. Perhaps the strength of my character is internally correlated and measured against a continuous struggle and surmounting.  Am I truly learning? Under undulating thoughts of despair and hope, a pervasive thoughtful and questioning existence. I'd like to think so.

Funnily, right now playing on my radio is Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by (of course) Modest Mouse, the words resonate with me as much as they ever did. I often think back to my early twenties with nostalgia, sometimes I wonder if I never wanted to leave that place.

I think about my family, so far away from me geographically.   I wonder about what a life of independence means in relation to a life of love and belonging. Despite my amicable and seemingly social nature, am I more parts hermit than I'd like to think? When do I really feel best? 

I guess it's all things to consider, in some ways I appreciate the space in which to consider it. Taking the time to think about it all.

My place. Your place. How we relate in this world.

It's not clear to me, however I am still attuned. Thinking about the ramifications of technology. Of sharing this with you, yes you! With no other outcome outside of you lazily visually perusing my deepest emotions, I don't know really. I think it is more for me to get the words out, because they feel better outside of me than in me.  

I get tired a lot. Life seems increasingly draining with not much replenishing. I consequently spend a lot of time alone and find it hard to rustle out of that pattern (dubious self effacing cycle, ya, i know) through my own volition. Slowly going in another direction.

Romantically!

Nothing to speak of. It's all good though, not in a hurry. Well, seemingly in a hurry if you count brushing someone off for not seeming interested enough after a week... But, really trying to stay accurate to my guttural senses.

Overall..

I'm good. Trying to make friends. Spending quality time with myself. And, most poignantly right now, growing professionally.

I think this might be the end of the transmission

:)

Until next time stranger, expect great things...  

give me a kiss, to lay my head on

Salutations boogers. 

It's been forever since my last confession, er, blog post.

My computer finally bit the dust (now taking donations for the Help Ivel Advance In Life fund), I tried to do a couple of posts on my iPad and forever reason it just didn't work. I get all cranky and frustrated if I try to do something and then it goes bunk. 

Plus I don't know if I can do my images the same way i used to which makes me mad too. But I finally decided that I need to get over all that shiz because I actually really care about my blog and I don't want it to die. I already let my selfie a day blog go the way of the dodo (combo of not enough feedback coupled with me getting tired of taking my own visage into such high regard), I know my words are stronger than that and my desire to keep this alive and going is primordially self serving. 

Which, truthfully propels me further than most things.

Can I just take a moment to do an aside? 

I am pretty sure there is some shady business going on next door to my house. There are people (men) going in and out (parking in MY parking spot, no, I don't care that I don't have a car) at all kinds of hours, being rowdy (seemingly rearranging the furniture?) at all kinds of hours of the night, and there is a dude who sleeps in his truck sometimes outside. Supposebly, the place is occupied by just one dude and his grand daughter comes to visit him, but I have a sneaking suspicion that is baloney. I hear arguments (with an adult woman) about money issues all the time when I am doing laundry in the basement. It's so lame-o, especially for a light sleeper like moi. 

ANYWAY.

I guess the best thing to come from that is a push towards getting a car, so that I can rent a proper little cottage type thing (Independent from other places, in a Quiet neighborhood) in a place just enough out of the way that the rent is cheaper but is not too far away from work when driving. Where I can have a DOG! And a yard, and some peace and quiet. My lease is up in about six months, and then options. So, we'll see what happens. I love my apartment, but I really want some more quiet (really I should just pitch tent in a convent, I am such a curmudgeonly a-hole) and a puppy. I am ok if the puppy makes noise, cause he'll be my baby. 

It's interesting cause now that I am at that point in adulthood (ahhhh! when did that happen?!?!?!) in which I am thinking about the future and not just living for the moment. In some ways, clearly I have been living like this for a while on account of my schooling (means to an end, meh, end in an end in and of itself. HEYO, words are playthings) but this is different. I guess arguably, it's always different, but this is the only time I have been this lucid in a time of shift and moment of transition, and it is happening to me by My Self, which is the biggest difference I would say, and it is wild. 

In some ways it's totally rad because the whole "master of my own destiny" doody is happening real time, and in others it is "holy crap scary" cause I am all by myself and anything can happen.

So what's been happening? 

Cartoons, porn, lazy days, flowers, walks, talk radio, plants, cooking, dates, nights alone, lots of mini-series, introspection, self loathing, self love, great heights, thoughts and thinking supreme, new breadths, yearning like never before, contentedness, cleaning up, using the dishwasher (and liking it!), new friends, new challenges, art, learning, pushing myself, chess, crochet, documentaries, sleeping poorly, wine, bars on division, disappointment, searching, coloring, old friends, some live music (need more!), culture, physical activity (finally!), greenery, laundry, rental cars, desire, cooking (not enough, but hopefully more soon), settling, reinforcing patience, trying to make friends, loving openly, being dismissive too quickly, being true, trying to figure out what that means, ENFP, focusing, being distracted, and so much more. 

That's all for now my kittens! 

You know how we do.., till next time... expect great things.

treat me like the sea oh so salty and mean

Salutations, mon petite meows!

Things were frosty in the Pacific Northwest this week.

It's always such an odd thing to me, to talk about the weather, we all do it of course. But it never ceases to be a little awkward feeling for me, even if (maybe especially when) it's well received banter. Like, "yea, I couldn't come up with anything better to talk to you about either..." you never know really. Maybe it's just me. There are exceptions, things such as the "Polar Vortex" which is a crazy phenomena and deserving of prime air time. Maybe it goes back to me having an aversion to small talk and not wanting to say something unless it was worth saying. Sometimes I think too much.

It's raining today.

In fact, I think there is only one person I actually enjoy talking about the weather to, and that's my mom. It's always like, life or death when it comes to the weather with my mom, and she always makes me feel good about being a pansy in the cold. If I tell my mom it's 40 degrees outside she goes off on this 10 minute diatribe about freezing cold weather (I know 40 isn't freezing, but I wouldn't tell her that) and tells me all the things I should and shouldn't do. Like wash my hair or take a shower in the morning, or go outside and if I do wear a gazillion layers. Plus I get to hear all of her stories from when she lived in New Jersey for five years and nearly died (you could nearly DIE) from waiting at a bus stop for ten minutes (her thighs were PURPLE). Some how these stories now just make me feel really comfortable after hearing them for the umpteenth time, and knowing she won't be around forever to tell them.
Anyway, all that said, it's fucking cold out there. I am still flabbergasted at the fact that people actually *enjoy* winter sports, maybe I am too Florida/tropical to my core, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Hopefully next year I'll be adequately prepared and that will perhaps make me more receptive to it.

Until such time, I will remain super cozy indoors. Enough about the weather... ;)

I want to write about Myers-Briggs!

I took a quiz this past weekend to find out what personality type I was, prompted by someone from OK Cupid coincidentally, I actually decided to finally take it because people sling around their personality types like astrological signs on that site. I feel like it's our modern civilized version of a shortcut to understanding "who you are as a person" at a quick glance. It's kind of an odd and interesting phenomena, but that is not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is my result, which was ENFP (for those of you incognizant to the whole deal here's a little primer to the conversation).

So, first, I remember taking the test years ago and scoring INFP, which is pretty close to what I got now except for the I stands for "Introversion" and the E stands for "Extroversion". My test noted that there was a 1% skew from intro to extro, which I thought was fascinating because I feel like I traditionally have had a self perception of being introverted but had been making a conscious effort to be more outward in my processes. Evaluating my evolution cursorily I would say the results of my efforts have been mixed. I now feel like there is nothing to fear from the interactions with others because they are comprised of flesh and blood same as me, and I am not one to prescribe to public opinion. However, the fact that social hierarchies exist and affect your life is inescapable, and I find I lack social graces and subtleties in many respects. I currently am trying to learn how to chart the waters of societal spheres because effective navigation will assist in promoting my agenda, not to mention make life easier.

I feel like I am a fighter, which has served me well in terms of propelling me to where I want to be and helping me work my way through the hurt, usually coming out shining on the other side. But fighting takes too much energy, as I am getting older I am trying to make the transition from defiant moxie to urbane elocution, all the while knowing I will always stay true to myself and my agenda and that if all goes well I will fall somewhere in the middle.
So, secondly, what the heck is this "agenda" I keep mentioning? Well, interestingly that is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Something about "achieving your dreams" leaves you in a really weird spot, especially if it is something career focused and something that will always require constant growth and change in the professional arena. I am not my job, even though in some ways it is what I have been working towards most of my life.

Which brings me to one of the most thought provoking interpretations of my Myers-Briggs results, according to my personality profile:

"To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values."

This notion, while it rings really true to who I feel I am deep inside, leaves me a bit at a loss. One of the reasons I feel I have been so effective at maintaining a positive disposition is that I keep my notions of truth and perceptions of reality deliberately vague and all encompassing. However, it seems that this strategy will prove ineffective because maintaining a continuum of moral ambiguity will  ultimately leave me without a proper value structure system by which to govern my life and corral my emotions.

Yikes!

This realization, while not necessarily earth shattering does encourage me to listen to that little nagging voice in the depths of my consciousness that wonders how we've  managed to slide by without adhering to a consistent moral framework. 
Truth is I have just been avoiding it. The F in the ENFP is "Feeling" v "Thinking", this obviously doesn't mean I am not a deep thinking individual (as this and perhaps all my other blog posts will attest to), rather it implies that I make decisions based on my feelings rather than my logical conclusions. If those feelings are based on a loosely conceived moral structure it would follow that in some ways I am adrift and have nothing to live for.

Heavy? Right!? I know...

It is and it isn't. This seems to me to be the culmination of one stage of life and the inception of another, one with an increasingly inescapable attention to inward scrutiny and call for value judgements consistent with established moral frameworks. I am hesitant, which is to say I am feeling emotional growing pains. A part of me thinks that aligning to any moral structure (even it is personally prescribed) will = no fun, and truthfully I think that danger does exist but it doesn't have to happen. Another, more elusive aspect of this new found need for a personally sound moral structure is uncovering the idea that in some regards I have been holding off on actually envisioning what I want for my future (past the point where I am now) until I have a partner with which to do it.
Ack!
Being single for the longest stretch in my adult life has got me thinking that I have to now figure out the future shit (dog, car, house, travels, fucking the mentally ubiquitous blue milk wash spice rack) for myself, by myself. Because I can't put that shit on hold, you know? It's so odd!  When you envision your life, you just envision it alongside someone else and these choices are a team effort, but you can't live that way if you don't have a partner. Even if you do expect hope you will have one in the future. Not that you have to have a partner to plan your future or that you even need to plan a future in a world that is not static and lives that are so susceptible, but personally, I need something to work with. That plan unfortunately can't be a life with someone else because that is something out of my control.

Lots to think about. Thanks for riding through this post if you did wade through the entirety, it was long and heavy, but really useful for me.

Until next time, gentle reader, expect great things.

this is the story of a girl...

sal·u·ta·tion  (săl′yə-tā′shən)

n.

1.

a. A polite expression of greeting or goodwill.

b. salutations Greetings indicating respect and affection; regards.

2. A gesture of greeting, such as a bow or kiss.

3. A word or phrase of greeting used to begin a letter or message.

One of the highlights of her day was finding her favorite Chex Mix® at the local convenience store.

She had just been on a really long walk, a new kind of "Friday post work" tradition she had established after moving to this new town just a couple months prior. Partially because she wasn't used to sitting in a cubical for eight hours and could use the exercise, and partially because she really enjoyed the pedestrian perspective of the world. Everything usually whizzes past us so quickly these days, when you are walking somewhere you have to pay attention.
Her new city was a very interesting combination of urban and suburban, wherein one block you could be steeped in these very picturesque country homes with front yard gardens and baby swings hanging from old trees, and a pair of well worn lounge chairs. In the next it's a bustling cityscape with restaurants, bars, kava tea shoppes, and lot's of pet clothing stores, complete with the patrons who take those sorts of things seriously. She fancied herself the type of person that could silently mock the luxury pet items while still enjoy the fact that someone really cared if Fido had a plaid raincoat secretly pleased her.
It was a rainy plaid sort of town.

She liked walking around and peering in the open windows. Sometimes people imagine what the lives of the people who lived in the houses were like, this is not what she imagines on her strolls. Instead she liked to picture herself in their places, living their happy or malcontent lives. Sitting around the dinner table trying to make the fussy baby eat dinner, or lounging on the couch watching the ball game; face illuminated holy in the blue glow.
Is it only unhappy people who pretend they are other people?
Our heroine never thought of herself as unhappy, quite the opposite in fact. Bright as anything, she had a special ability to bring cheer wherever she went, and her smile was a veritable contagion. Inside however, she processed a lot, and during that time of internal churning she doubted. Doubt, she thought, was a hallmark of unhappiness, but also an indispensable quotient of wonderment and discovery. So, here she was charting new territory and reveling in the uncertainty of our times.

Sometimes it feels like the lives we are living are too much of this or not enough of that, and one of the things we often loose sight of is our privilege and perspective. There was an idea that had been inculcated in her mind at a very young age by her father, and this was to not look to people who had it better off than she did, but instead to look at those whose lives were less fortunate. That would cause her to always reevaluate her woes by attempting to look at them through another lens, sometimes the guilt from feeling sadness had been assuaged by remembering the fact that she was human. Thus entitled to run the gamut of experience and emotion, just not enough to be engulfed by the negativity that seemingly imbues much this earth, hopefully. There is too much to feel to spend too much time any one place.

After walking around for two hours, achieving the two goals she set out with; of obtaining the new months bus pass and exploring the Pearl district, she headed back in the direction of her home thinking about whether to stop at a bar or a restaurant for dinner. It was getting late and she was hungry. The more she thought about it, and as she walked past restaurants chock full of patrons, the more here solitary status irked her. Friday nights are date nights she thought, and being alone on this night would make her stand out more than she usually did when she went out alone. You have to be in a certain place to deal with the stigma of singleness, and she was not there on this particular evening. That is something people don't think about when they are in a couple, they go through their lives in tandem, and that is as much a part of living as anything else. When you are single, going through life is a solo ordeal, and many functions have the couple model built into it.

So she decided to set a course for her local convenience store, where she gleefully reunited with her favorite snack. And a couple bottles of red wine...

Until next time, she thinks you should expect that great things should happen. In your life! The same way she expects great things will happen in hers, and sends her good thoughts that all of the things that you, dear reader, desire, will come true...

as I sit here, the lightness turns to dark

Salutations, kit cats.

Welp! I am laid up at the ol' home stead on account of effin up my shoulder some how, so I thought I would take the opportunity to update the bloggerruni. This weekend was a little sad in terms of motivation, but now I was just thinking that I didn't feel like spending the night browsing the interwebs (exclusively) or watching Netflix endlessly so I thought I would post.

That's right dear readers, producing content for you is better than the alternative. :)
Though, arguably this is as much for me as it is for you.

I have been thinking about loneliness as a thing, a condition, a state of being.

Mostly cause, I'm alone.

It's not really about the romantic love I am talking about, though, as you all know I do have a tendency to become obsessed preoccupied with that. Which after a close friend of called out the dating as a crutch of mine, I started to think about it in a deeper sense. For me, being "single" is a relatively new phenomena, and for most of my adult life I have been in a relationship (happily so, for the most part), so the way I am accustomed to traversing the world around me is with a partner. I enjoy it. I would even venture to say that I am good at it (though, I may not ask all of my exes for their input on that.. for obvious reasons). Point is I like to have something to my put my heart into, a point of respite for my thoughts, a place to hang my leftover words when I get home.
Facing the world solo in a new environment with everything being different is a formidable endeavor, no kidding. I think my houseplant Rufus is getting a little tired of my shit...
It's not just romantic though, today, for example when I had to leave work early because my shoulder pain was unbearable, I had to set my course: take the bus to the pharmacy, get stuff to make you better, get back on bus, go home, put stuff on, get better. There is a different perspective and take on life when you are forced to be self sufficient. Like, no one called me to see how I was doing, and that's fine, why should they? I just have be OK with that, because if you aren't, where do you go? I mean it can get deep and dark inside oneself, but what's the point in that.

So, you just rely on yourself, you trust yourself, you get comfortable in your skin, even those extra pounds that have crept up making you a little more Botero than Botticelli. You smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "hey! good morning! nice to see you!"
It's also been so wonderful to have friends call me and ask about my life, just having conversations with folks who really care about you can be really grounding. And there have been people here in Portland who have extended their welcomes, but I have a tendency to be slow on the uptake with friends. We'll see how it all pans out.

The search doesn't end, but I know no other way right now. I still miss Big Red (i know i know). I have met some more folks and they run all sides of the gamut, I find I don't do well with intensity...I need a more laid back approach (but aggressive!).

lol.


I don't know what I am looking for (in some ways I do, but it is always ineffable), maybe I am missing pieces of myself (though I doubt it), maybe this is just a phase. I think it will just feel right, or maybe this will be what forever will look like. My mom told me my dad said I was going to die old and alone in a hole (thanks dad, he also just picked up the phone and said he was really proud of me. so complex, my folks, I think they are just concerned). Who knows? Some people say good things are worth waiting for, some people say you can't find something like love when you are looking for it, well I am willing to bet that most of those people are in relationships. And I am sure I have said that before when I was in a relationship, but the truth is that you don't know. You don't know if I am ever going to find "it", whether I am looking or not. Some days I am really happy, some days I am really lonely, and sometimes I am both in the same day. Part of the human condition. Part of the human experience.

For whatever reason, I keep moving away from everyone.

I want to stay here for a while now...


Until next time, expect great things.

fog & sunshine

salutations kittens!

Stir fry for breakfast Saturday.

Settling in Portland is going pretty well. The fog is lifting somewhat and I am trying to balance the (what still feels like) insanity of the mental demands of work with trying to think about establishing a routine. I think I am coming to a point in my relocation in which that super crazy feeling that I have uprooted my life and put myself hundreds of miles away from most of my loved ones (again) is starting to subside and I am beginning to look around to see what is actually here. I was on a date last night with a very witty smart chap who dared ask, "but, what do you do when you are not at your awesome job?".

Very insightful question stranger!

Similar to my life in the Bay Area, I have been spending a lot of time going on dates and otherwise exploring the (nightlife) of the surroundings. Portland is teeming with restaurants and bars, and now that things have loosened up a little in the finances department, I am more able to really get out there. I don't necessarily always happen to go to these places on dates, and I have met some people IRL that have been really interesting. Most notably: Doll Williamson, an older lady I met at a bar and bought a tequila (chilled with salt on the rim) for, and this fellow who works for Pandora, who can name 700 different characteristics of music and now believes the art form is dead. When I found myself in his apartment at midnight unexpectedly I was like, "you should call a cab for me now, sir". Life continues to be an adventure.
I have been biking a bit (to dates admittedly, but biking none the less) and met this super cute punk rocker fellow from Chicago who has no apparent goals but is really great at pinball.

I guess the question posited last night is an obvious one, and one I have been grappling with more seriously in the last week since the dust is settling. Life is such a huge endeavor man, especially for ambitious people.
I can't like, just sit on my couch when I get off work and watch TV until I fall asleep every night and wake up and do it all over again 24/7. I need some more sustenance, extracurricular fodder to promote a greater awareness and justifies existence, and I need this even though my career is really fulfilling, which in some ways I had (naively) not anticipated.. 
In some ways it's awesome cause it's like, Oh! I am still in a state of growth, and in other ways it's like Shit! I just want to chill out.
Ha.

It's a combo, and I am glad I am feeling that nagging internally because I really want my day to day life to more closely resemble that internal vision I have for myself. Even though some of those things (like having a partner, more on that in a minute) are out of my control. I just need to be more focused and determined in figuring out what the steps/questions are so that I can start moving in that direction.

Some thoughts:

• Volunteering one day a week at the local humane society.
• Taking an art class (maybe etching or some other kind of art)
• Serious consideration to what exercise I want to do, I don't really feel like getting into any organized sport (unless there is a kickball team at work or something), but I feel a pressing need to incorporate some kind physical activity into my daily routine.
• Time management. I really need to sit down and map out hours of life, I love spontenatity, and I want it to be a part of my life, but I also want to live life intentionally.
• On the up side, I really like blogging. Readers or not. :D

We'll see. It's all a work in progress always until you die.

 In other news,

As maybe you, discerning reader, could tell from the post thus far, Big Red and I are no longer seeing each other. I know it was just three weeks and I was wary of it not working out the whole time, but I couldn't help be slightly bummed it did not to come to some more palpable fruition. It had been a long time since I felt that awesome combo of physical attraction and mental/emotional connection. He had been so trying to find his way and I had been so willing/wanting to be there for/with him while he found it. But there are some journeys you must take alone, and figuring ones place in the world after (during!) a divorce with two children is such a place.

I am really glad that I saw myself actually going through all of that tremendous hard work for the sake of someone else, someone I hardly knew. In some ways, I feel relieved, and in others I feel as if I really would have liked to have been able to apply my vibrancy in earnest to his life. I honestly feel like that experience has made me feel like I am capable and willing to deal and thrive with someone who has a lot of baggage if they are willing to reciprocate.

My love, so sweet, big, and encompassing. Just roaming the earth for now. We'll see where it ends up baking a home.

I think that is all I have for right now my kittens!
I have some work to do.... I'll let you know how it goes.

Until next time, expect great things...

whine, brie, chicken & biscuits

Salubrious salutations my fearless readers.

Fallor ergo sum - St Augustine

We are in the new age, the present tense, we live in the future at every moment, yet constantly salivate for that which we do not have. This is the human condition, and thank goodness because were it not for desire what would propel us forward through the muck of existence?

I think this post will cater to my philosophical ambling, which I don't actually tread as often as I would like. This evening I'll wax poetic about Aristophanes's eulogy in Plato's Symposium and about Nietzsche's concept of the Ubermench.

Ya, you know, the easy breezy stuff of life...

Anyway, for those of you who need a refresher (and I can't believe why you would!), Aristophanes gave this fine little speech at a dinner party one time. All these old white dudes were sitting around drinking wine, day dreaming about having sex with strapping young lads and pontificating about a variety of subjects but most prominently love and all it's trappings. It's one of Plato's better known works and it includes an all star cast with folks such as Socrates and Alcibiades taking turns at the bat. It's really a friggen amazing manuscript delving into one of the mechanisms that is so inherent within us human beings.
The speech that I keep coming back to time and time again is Aristophanes' ode to the concept of "wholeness". I think about this one a lot for a couple of reasons; one, because I really appreciate the fact that his account of love allows for folks of any gender combo to connect. Secondly, I am fascinated by the concept of a mythology in which humans are these androgynous creatures with twice the limbs who grew so pompous that Zeus smote them by breaking them in half and spreading them across the earth. Forever feeling incomplete and searching.
 

I suppose I am intrigued by this because it suggests that we are all, in the quest for finding a partner, making our way back to our original selves. If our most primal selves are whole, then the selves of modernity are broken, shards of flesh imbued with yearning. If you think about the state of being broken as a metaphor for feeling a need and a thirst for recuperating that fullness, then there is nothing more natural than constant desire.

I am attracted to this notion because in some ways it makes me feel less guilty for wanting to find a partner, after all in doing so I am just gravitating towards my natural state. Not that I feel an overwhelming guilt for wanting someone to shack up with forever, just little pangs of guilt here and there. I think there is this culture of being independent in our society, and with that comes a negative connotation with being single in some regards. Furthermore, the older you get the more it seems like you are being reckless or loveless, compounding the sense of urgency. I try to not let that mindset get to me as best I can.
The way I feel about it personally is that it's fine being single, there are things I really appreciate about it, and there are things I don't like (same as having a mate really). Truly, it's not my preferred state, but I don't feel sorry for myself, I just accept this as a stage in life like any other. It is an opportunity in a lot of ways to *try* and learn more about myself, I do get lonesome though. There is so much that is unknowable in this world, and ideally we are always growing and changing, single or not. I am not a fan of thinking that things happen for a reason, but more things happen and then we reason with them.

Also, I am slightly enthralled by the notion of eternal longing. Why? Because sometimes I think desire is better than satisfaction, contentedness, or fulfillment. And because I appreciate the fact that you can bank on loneliness as a constant, there aren't many things on this Earth you can count on...

Anyway... Moving on to the Overman.

It's a little late in the evening, and I don't want to make this post uber long by getting into the sordid Nietzschean details, but! Long story short one of the reasons I really dig the philosophy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra is because  the onus is placed on the individual to come up either a reason to keep living, or why bother. I am a big fan of ownership of the self in life because as far as we know or have experienced, we only get one shot so we better make it count.
A lot of folks see this philosophy as kind of depressing, I reckon because you can't offset your despair by putting all hope in some imaginary being. That is a lot to chew on... Maybe ask me some questions and we can do a more participatory experience if thou art so inclined. Otherwise I will continue to ruminate.

In other news...

I am still seeing the married daddy. Sometimes your own utterances seem strange, even to yourself. But passion will do its thing without much consideration towards logic. I met his baby (and his brother, AND his father), all went well except for the baby completely going into mute mode when he was around me. I didn't take it too personal, but recognized the situation as a little less than ideal, I made the best of it and enjoyed the Oregon Zoo Lights and Big Red's company.
Things are coming to a point in which we are becoming real human beings, expressing our lives, hang-ups, baggage, and needs to each other (shit is getting REAL) which is actually quite nice. There is always that [sweet] awkwardness when you first start seeing someone, getting past that and actually being able to see them within the context of their lives is a great thing. I have been making excellent progress on the communicating my feelings front, so that's real. I am still quite smitten, and enjoying every minute of it.
Updates as they develop.


Work is...

going well.

Every day that passes I feel like I am closer to understanding. The hardest thing right now is time management; today I estimated something should take an hour and it took three. (!) I am confident I will get the hang of it... I love my work, and I believe in it, and it just makes me happy as anything even though it's so hard.
I had my first "informational interview" today. I don't know if you know what that means, but basically it's like someone buys you a coffee and picks your brains about your life choices because they think there is some value to your blathering.
Well let me tell you my friends it was a sweet cup of coffee!

It felt super sweet to be like, yea! I know this shit is great! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT. Even though my time is so short I have to be here an extra hour just to be able to talk to you. I will take that coffee and I will give you the BEST advice I can.
:D


Yea. Things are good.

Until next time my silent kittens, expect great things...