Salutations!
September is my birthday month, I turn the big three one on the thirtieth. Even though I still have some time till that happens, birthdays always make me super contemplative.
Actually, I feel like everything is making me contemplative these days! I think it's because my brain is so used to being focused on school that now it has a bunch of free time it's like, "what are we doing here Ivel? why aren't you keeping me busy? what did he mean by that look? oooh! shiny thing! let's watch monty python.. what does it all meeeaaaannn?"
Man. Shut up brain. Get a life.
Of course it won't be still and has taken to waking me up at three or four in the morning deciding this is the best time to start thinking about all of my afflictions. Because I can do a lot to change things at that time. Derf.
I think *hope* this inner turmoil will ultimately lead to progress; I am using this post to clear out some of those thoughts about next steps.
Career-
Graduating from a Master's program feels like taking up residence in a pressure cooker. I am feeling it like never before and I've got it coming from all sides. Internally I am continually berating myself for not being more active in my pursuit. Even though part of me that believes I am not doing so because I am being really cautious and scared of what may happen if I do get the job of my dreams. This internal struggle has stunted progress in some regards. On the one hand I want to make sure I get the "right" job that will catapult me onto a trajectory in line with my studies and personal philosophy, but maybe I just need to get a job at a museum doing whatever and then figure it out from there. Externally, everyone and my momma has been asking me, "what next?".
Well...
I find a fucking job and get my goddamned life on track, what are you doing?
Not being sure where my "permanent residence" is going to be has made it hard for me to develop a routine, which I have been craving lately since losing my school/work routine of the last two years. I know the next move is going to be dictated by my career, that is both exciting and scary as shit. Not necessarily because I may have to move to an unknown location (which, I am actually looking forward to. sort of... there is a lot more to this notion..) but because of all of the work that will entail. Basically re-imagining every facet of life as I know it.
Plus my insecurities have comfortably nestled themselves in my belly and are refusing to budge until I engage in some serious Professional Development. The books are sitting on my desk right now, smiling softly, but for some reason I am hesitant. I am not sure if it's because I am being lazy or tired of thinking about the whole thing. I am thinking it's the latter, but I realize it's not a good excuse.
The more I think about it the more I am observing a pattern in my behavior, I have to mentally build up to something, and the build up can be so uncomfortable! Ultimately, I find that this process is useful in being certain of my decisions and to be confident in my actions. I am in my head a lot. Living alone aggravates the symptoms.
Perfect segue.
Dating-
I was just reading about this project in which two friends, after finding themselves single at the same time, decided that they would date each other exclusively for 40 days and document their experience. It was a really great read and an insightful look at what it means to be single, date, or be in a relationship in modern times.
Interestingly, I found myself relating to the male half as I read through the entries and found the female side to be really overly introspective about the whole situation (sound familiar?!). It really made me think a lot about why I date so much and what am I looking to get out of it ultimately.
I know that dates for me are [have become!?] a way to blow off steam; you make plans with someone you don't know, you talk to them about whatever (yourself, or them, or the weather...), if you are lucky (or if they are) some smooches (+), and then you are done.
It is pretty cut and dry, and more often than not it does not progress from that level, by either my doing (usually) or theirs.
To me that is actively dating, which is what I have been engaging in recently and am currently re-evaluating as a strategy.
This has brought up a series of questions that I have been seriously pondering as of late:
Is this lifestyle what I really want right now?
Is this taking me any where closer to my ultimate goal?
What is my ultimate goal?
I feel like my ultimate goal is to find a partner that I will fall in love with and will be crazy about me, we'll grow together, I'll finally have my blue milkwash spice rack. I have this elusive vision in my head, sometimes there is a wrap around porch and rocking chairs, sometimes it's a cozy apartment with books, a dog and comfy couch.
Those are the imagined physical manifestations of a truth I have honestly yet to fully articulate to myself. What does it mean for me to want that kind of closeness with another human being? What am I willing to give and what do I want in return? Finally exposing the fact that I don't quite have these answers has gotten me closer to understanding what I am looking for. (Thanks Blog!)
In the same breath I know that you can't rush something like that! I feel I believe that such a person exists out there, but I don't know how/if they will find me. I have decided to cool it a bit on the dating, I don't want people to be a hobby. It feels too much like an avoidance tactic.
Having said all that, I recently developed a gnarly crush. :D
hahahahaha
I know. I know.
I had forgotten what crushes feel like; so sweet and nonsensical. Wonderful and terrible things in their own right, they are all consuming in the most delightful of ways. I don't know what will come of it, but I am so grateful to know that I can still feel all those things with such intensity. I know I am not ancient, but it had been a long time. It's also swell to remember that not all attraction has to be strictly physical in nature and to experience what it feels like to really want to know about someone's thoughts and their past. To enjoy their voice and just want to listen to them for hours. The sheer uncertainty of it makes me uneasy, but I can't bring myself to act on it (for a multitude of reasons, most poignant of which is I am just over being an initiator, my next suitor will mean it dammit!). I am trying real hard to be easy going and care free about the whole thing.
I feel funny and cute, like I am going to vomit everywhere. Alright. I guess that's not so cute. Maybe like rainbow diarrhea coming out of a unicorn ass. No?
OK.
This then.
Other things-
Friggen odds and sods! Life is full of them right now! Between having to get rid of my car, my bike conking out, emails, doctor appointments, over due bills, parking citations, etc etc, I am so over everything! It almost renders me immobile, which is just about the best strategy to get all of those things done.
Life and times!
That's me. Right now.
Thanks for stopping by, until next time, expect great things....
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