Things were frosty in the Pacific Northwest this week.
It's always such an odd thing to me, to talk about the weather, we all do it of course. But it never ceases to be a little awkward feeling for me, even if (maybe especially when) it's well received banter. Like, "yea, I couldn't come up with anything better to talk to you about either..." you never know really. Maybe it's just me. There are exceptions, things such as the "Polar Vortex" which is a crazy phenomena and deserving of prime air time. Maybe it goes back to me having an aversion to small talk and not wanting to say something unless it was worth saying. Sometimes I think too much.
It's raining today.
In fact, I think there is only one person I actually enjoy talking about the weather to, and that's my mom. It's always like, life or death when it comes to the weather with my mom, and she always makes me feel good about being a pansy in the cold. If I tell my mom it's 40 degrees outside she goes off on this 10 minute diatribe about freezing cold weather (I know 40 isn't freezing, but I wouldn't tell her that) and tells me all the things I should and shouldn't do. Like wash my hair or take a shower in the morning, or go outside and if I do wear a gazillion layers. Plus I get to hear all of her stories from when she lived in New Jersey for five years and nearly died (you could nearly DIE) from waiting at a bus stop for ten minutes (her thighs were PURPLE). Some how these stories now just make me feel really comfortable after hearing them for the umpteenth time, and knowing she won't be around forever to tell them.
Anyway, all that said, it's fucking cold out there. I am still flabbergasted at the fact that people actually *enjoy* winter sports, maybe I am too Florida/tropical to my core, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Hopefully next year I'll be adequately prepared and that will perhaps make me more receptive to it.
Until such time, I will remain super cozy indoors. Enough about the weather... ;)
I want to write about Myers-Briggs!
I took a quiz this past weekend to find out what personality type I was, prompted by someone from OK Cupid coincidentally, I actually decided to finally take it because people sling around their personality types like astrological signs on that site. I feel like it's our modern civilized version of a shortcut to understanding "who you are as a person" at a quick glance. It's kind of an odd and interesting phenomena, but that is not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is my result, which was ENFP (for those of you incognizant to the whole deal here's a little primer to the conversation).
So, first, I remember taking the test years ago and scoring INFP, which is pretty close to what I got now except for the I stands for "Introversion" and the E stands for "Extroversion". My test noted that there was a 1% skew from intro to extro, which I thought was fascinating because I feel like I traditionally have had a self perception of being introverted but had been making a conscious effort to be more outward in my processes. Evaluating my evolution cursorily I would say the results of my efforts have been mixed. I now feel like there is nothing to fear from the interactions with others because they are comprised of flesh and blood same as me, and I am not one to prescribe to public opinion. However, the fact that social hierarchies exist and affect your life is inescapable, and I find I lack social graces and subtleties in many respects. I currently am trying to learn how to chart the waters of societal spheres because effective navigation will assist in promoting my agenda, not to mention make life easier.
I feel like I am a fighter, which has served me well in terms of propelling me to where I want to be and helping me work my way through the hurt, usually coming out shining on the other side. But fighting takes too much energy, as I am getting older I am trying to make the transition from defiant moxie to urbane elocution, all the while knowing I will always stay true to myself and my agenda and that if all goes well I will fall somewhere in the middle.
So, secondly, what the heck is this "agenda" I keep mentioning? Well, interestingly that is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Something about "achieving your dreams" leaves you in a really weird spot, especially if it is something career focused and something that will always require constant growth and change in the professional arena. I am not my job, even though in some ways it is what I have been working towards most of my life.
Which brings me to one of the most thought provoking interpretations of my Myers-Briggs results, according to my personality profile:
This notion, while it rings really true to who I feel I am deep inside, leaves me a bit at a loss. One of the reasons I feel I have been so effective at maintaining a positive disposition is that I keep my notions of truth and perceptions of reality deliberately vague and all encompassing. However, it seems that this strategy will prove ineffective because maintaining a continuum of moral ambiguity will ultimately leave me without a proper value structure system by which to govern my life and corral my emotions."To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values."
Yikes!
Truth is I have just been avoiding it. The F in the ENFP is "Feeling" v "Thinking", this obviously doesn't mean I am not a deep thinking individual (as this and perhaps all my other blog posts will attest to), rather it implies that I make decisions based on my feelings rather than my logical conclusions. If those feelings are based on a loosely conceived moral structure it would follow that in some ways I am adrift and have nothing to live for.
Heavy? Right!? I know...
It is and it isn't. This seems to me to be the culmination of one stage of life and the inception of another, one with an increasingly inescapable attention to inward scrutiny and call for value judgements consistent with established moral frameworks. I am hesitant, which is to say I am feeling emotional growing pains. A part of me thinks that aligning to any moral structure (even it is personally prescribed) will = no fun, and truthfully I think that danger does exist but it doesn't have to happen. Another, more elusive aspect of this new found need for a personally sound moral structure is uncovering the idea that in some regards I have been holding off on actually envisioning what I want for my future (past the point where I am now) until I have a partner with which to do it.
Ack!
Being single for the longest stretch in my adult life has got me thinking that I have to now figure out the future shit (dog, car, house, travels, fucking the mentally ubiquitous blue milk wash spice rack) for myself, by myself. Because I can't put that shit on hold, you know? It's so odd! When you envision your life, you just envision it alongside someone else and these choices are a team effort, but you can't live that way if you don't have a partner. Even if you do
Lots to think about. Thanks for riding through this post if you did wade through the entirety, it was long and heavy, but really useful for me.
Until next time, gentle reader, expect great things.
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