Use Your Words

[Salutations]

Do you believe in fate?

I don't. I believe in my will, I believe in circumstances and things that happen and don't happen. I think it's all related, in a physical way and in a causal way, bullets ricochet off buildings in drug deals that feed our habits in one way or another.  Blinds drawn so we don't have to see how the ins and outs are broken down and reconstructed in tent cities across town. Blatant vagrant tendency, hideous display of humanity, but the truest. 

I had the thought today that maybe too many thoughts can cause growing pains in the mind. Isn't that funny? As if consciousness was an muscle that could be worked out and refined and made stronger.

Hey babe, check out my swo grey matter. what chu think?!

Ha!

With all your beautiful memories, and your misspent youth. If you could just babble forever and people actually cared what would you say? Delicate interwoven in all the fabric, joyous and raucous, simple sometimes but usually ecstatic and conspiring with the universe. Do you feel soft as silk sometimes, pliable and malleable, drinking in the complexity and nuance permeating the dew drop drapes of our existence. There really is no point in living if you don't hold your head up high, you stand for everything, continually falling out of favor with the people who float by unwittingly. A smile spread like butter across my face, a sweetness spilling out of me I can't help. And I don't want to, I want to give it to you. 

Feeding you feeds me.

Why does life appear more interesting when it's happening in slow motion?

Could you picture yourself as a monument? Could you ever imagine that your life might be worthy enough to remember? Enough to broadcast? 

Differences measured so close to our skin, I don't see how we'll get anywhere at all, and yet, I still quiver. I still shake with the prospect of frution, what can I hope for? Breathing in cutting through the air and making way for my own place, my own needs. Letting go of any attachments, but unable to relinquish control even if imaginary. Somewhere it's possible that an action I have taken has brought me closer to that light.

When I think of you I imagine an understanding, peaceful presence. I can get worked up sometimes, in spite of everything, because of everything. There I not left a stone unturned. 

I miss the places I have been, and sometimes at night I think of places, people, memories. Kissing friends in basements, laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, drinks on wooden porches, cicadas (so loud), southern thunderstorms like no other, lots of gravestones, bodies of water, bodies of flesh, and some cobble streets, horse carriages included. I am blessed with resolution, and some healthy mother fucking drive. The potential is scary, and I don't yet look it in the eye. I am not averting my gaze, but there are somethings I can't quite set my sights on alone.

Things I yearn for. Things I want to be good at.

 

I remember Piccalilli lunches with my mom after shopping outings. We would grab our trays and silverware saying hello to the attendant. We would dutifully greet every server, as everyone we would encounter in our journey, except for the older creepy gentleman. Manners are important.

As we made our way down we would choose meal components that appealed to us. In the beginning was the salad, I rarely started my culinary journey here, but sometimes I would feel like being healthy (even if it was drenched in dressin). Anyway my mom would sometimes get the gelatin salad at this point, the thing was though that she would eat it for dessert. In my little mind, this always seemed like cheating to me. Like she cold choose her desert before anyone else. It was silly!

Then came the protein mom went for the fish 9 out of 10 times. Fish always seemed like the thing you would go out for. I liked the meatloaf mostly, but some other ones I can't remember too. Truly I mostly remember the sides, Mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes with little pools of gravy in the center. The jalapeño cornbread sticks. The fruit punch that later evolved to iced tea. We would always personally greet the cashier. They issued you a receipt and then you would hold onto it until you left, then you would present it to the exit cashier. My mom and I liked to hit the booths, sometimes the lights would be out and we would have to choose an alternate. We would sit and chat about things, people at church, crazy families members or something I was going through at school. My mom is by far and away the most negative person I know. I have been a ray of sunshine for as long as I can remember. Maybe positivity for me is a way to tell the rest of the world to man the fuck up. Like, really? You think your shit is bad why don't you wake up and smell the cow manure because lifestyle causes suffering all around the world.

I am not saying it does mean that all the time, just that it's possible that it is saying that sometimes.

I deal with change by subjugating it.

There is a constant opinion that I could walk away at any moment, I kind of believe it too.

I just want to tell you everything so you'll understand me, I just want to bare my bones so you can lick them.

I'm too earnest to expect anything back from you, the best surprises are those connections that rise to the top.

I'll walk away from here with more than a few, I am sure.

I'm sure I'll walk away from here.

Until next time, sweet sweet pussycats, expect great things...