Within & Without
An Exploration in Sobriety
Salutations!
So! Today completes a year of sobriety. I wanted to share some reflections on that, this past year, and general life stuff in today's post.
I will offer a vulnerable disclaimer here- I do not consider myself an alcoholic. I realize this is kinda a subjective thing, for example my mom does consider me one. I am totally comfortable with my relationship with the substances I frequent and realize this can be a fraught topic for some people, but I am fine with it. With that...
As some folks might know, I make it a habit to create a goal around my birthday. Sometimes it's do more of something and this year it revolved around doing less of one (or more) things. These goals are intended to direct energy, shift attention, and generally set up a space for myself to move forward on some life trajectory. They are a little boost in agency and confidence and generally speaking success rate is high. I can have very good will power, especially when I have clear parameters, solid rationale, and plenty of time to rev up. All of which are possible with the birthday goals, it seems there is always a thing to do, something that has been elusive or perhaps difficult to grapple with in the everyday.
I am not sure which one of those alcohol ends up in for me, but building up to the Fall of 2020 it seemed like a good thing to give up. We were starting to work from home more and the line between work and home was getting blurrier, the pandemic was in full swing and the national situation and psyche were in dire straights, we were coming up on a major election, and my relationship was gearing up for a turn for the more serious. All of these things felt like big things, they seemed like things I would either want to drown out or be more present for. I decided to go with the latter and my chosen mechanism for that was sobriety.
I would not have characterized my relationship to substances as problematic, and still don't, but I would say that the concept of moderation was a bit elusive in practice. In effect that meant that I was drinking most days and that had been likely the case for many years, so this pause was very intentional. My goal was to "take control" of a behavior and use that control to direct myself in a direction towards more of who I wanted to be. If I look back at journals across the decades, there were just a few things that continued to evade my grasp and this goal of being sober was in fact a strategy. In retrospect, I am glad I did not frame it that way! The goal itself was simple- no altering substances. That was it! To ensure success it is important to have clear boundaries, for me- I didn't mind alcohol in food items, but for dang sure was not including caffeine in the excluded list!
My partner decided to join me- I wasn't expecting this of him but in the end was very grateful to have this be a piece of it. I was reflecting a bit around this piece with him just this morning. I think it was very helpful for us to commiserate and relate around a shared goal, both in terms of not being exposed to it regularly and also around having a place for open discussion around challenges and triumphs. It was cool how we had different relationships and starting points with it and thus the journey was going to be different.
I think overall, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Sometimes (often) the unknown is scary to venture into because you have some sort of notion around what it will be like and then you jump into the void and things might turn out different or same to your expectations. This in itself is a good lesson learned from the whole experience that can be applied to life in general. I don't think the take away is that expectations are bad, just that they are a small part of the decision and should not be entrenched or a strong deciding factor. It was fun to exercise that agency in a clear and seemingly arbitrary way! One day I was drinking and then the next day I was sober, just like that.
There were some side effects which I alluded to earlier, these were things that were not part of the goal itself but perhaps things that could spring forth once the space had been cleared up for it. These things were more physical activity and emotional growth and maturity. Its fun to write this reflection piece because it was kinda a subtle process that built up momentum as the year went on and now looking back I can totally track on how these things evolved and appreciate the internal process around them. I will say that it is important that I did not overwhelm myself with effort here- my primary focus was just not doing something. Organically stemming from that I was able to tackle these other pieces, I think that is indicative of the rumblings of purpose in the unconscious.
There has been a lot of change in my life in the last 10 years- truly, my life has sort if been marked by change as a constant. This has been great in so many ways, not least of which is the stage set for vibrancy and richness of varied experience. Really amazing and conducive to a life well lived and also challenging for setting course on some more challenging pattern shifts. One of these is overall health and wellness. I don't think I was generally an unhealthy person- I had spent around 8 years as a vegetarian and someone mindful of what I was eating and generally conscious about being active. However, I was never really able to get to the level that I wanted to be at! I am not sure why- some speculations include: I didn't have very good example or role models in my life around this, regularity in schedule was not a trademark of my life, it's hard, I didn't quite know how (including how much was enough and how to do it).
So, in the last year, the combo of being sober and having a partner who is really attuned to physical activity and nutrition was really super stellar for me! I tried a few different things in terms of activity, things like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, yoga, circuit workouts, etc. I spent time doing things by myself and with my partner, in different spaces like the house, the gym, local streets, the canyon by my house, etc. It was super fun to experiment! There was a few qualities that ended up being important to me in terms of sticking- the activity needs to be easily accessible (like not going somewhere to do it), mildly challenging, and provide a diverse array of visible stimulus. The ones that ended up really winning out were daily walks and long distance bike riding. I am so happy with how those things have really taken off! Moving forward, it's really important for me to keep physical activity as a constant- so for example, tomorrow I will be celebrating and drinking again (!) but I am making sure to fit in a bike ride beforehand.
The other sort of significant change that I will touch on briefly here is a leap forth in emotional maturity. I think there have a few hold outs in terms of the evolution of my thinking in terms of who and how I wanted to be in a relationship. This is something I have experienced in the past in the shape of ego and stubbornness, as well as some fundamental contradictions around my beliefs and values and how those are reflected in my actions. I don't know exactly how the sobriety influenced this leap- only that it has happened and I am very happy/ready for it in my life! I think it has really poised me for commitment and to embrace my partner in an earnest, authentic, and wholehearted way. And that is great cause we are engaged now. 😀
So there you go! This year I will be letting go of social media (will be keeping Twitter for work) and focusing on writing more. That will be both here in this space as well as in my own journal. There are already some major changes bubbling up! It will be fun to see those take shape and unfurl like ferns.
Until next time, friends, as always: Expect Great Things.
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