as I sit here, the lightness turns to dark

Salutations, kit cats.

Welp! I am laid up at the ol' home stead on account of effin up my shoulder some how, so I thought I would take the opportunity to update the bloggerruni. This weekend was a little sad in terms of motivation, but now I was just thinking that I didn't feel like spending the night browsing the interwebs (exclusively) or watching Netflix endlessly so I thought I would post.

That's right dear readers, producing content for you is better than the alternative. :)
Though, arguably this is as much for me as it is for you.

I have been thinking about loneliness as a thing, a condition, a state of being.

Mostly cause, I'm alone.

It's not really about the romantic love I am talking about, though, as you all know I do have a tendency to become obsessed preoccupied with that. Which after a close friend of called out the dating as a crutch of mine, I started to think about it in a deeper sense. For me, being "single" is a relatively new phenomena, and for most of my adult life I have been in a relationship (happily so, for the most part), so the way I am accustomed to traversing the world around me is with a partner. I enjoy it. I would even venture to say that I am good at it (though, I may not ask all of my exes for their input on that.. for obvious reasons). Point is I like to have something to my put my heart into, a point of respite for my thoughts, a place to hang my leftover words when I get home.
Facing the world solo in a new environment with everything being different is a formidable endeavor, no kidding. I think my houseplant Rufus is getting a little tired of my shit...
It's not just romantic though, today, for example when I had to leave work early because my shoulder pain was unbearable, I had to set my course: take the bus to the pharmacy, get stuff to make you better, get back on bus, go home, put stuff on, get better. There is a different perspective and take on life when you are forced to be self sufficient. Like, no one called me to see how I was doing, and that's fine, why should they? I just have be OK with that, because if you aren't, where do you go? I mean it can get deep and dark inside oneself, but what's the point in that.

So, you just rely on yourself, you trust yourself, you get comfortable in your skin, even those extra pounds that have crept up making you a little more Botero than Botticelli. You smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "hey! good morning! nice to see you!"
It's also been so wonderful to have friends call me and ask about my life, just having conversations with folks who really care about you can be really grounding. And there have been people here in Portland who have extended their welcomes, but I have a tendency to be slow on the uptake with friends. We'll see how it all pans out.

The search doesn't end, but I know no other way right now. I still miss Big Red (i know i know). I have met some more folks and they run all sides of the gamut, I find I don't do well with intensity...I need a more laid back approach (but aggressive!).

lol.


I don't know what I am looking for (in some ways I do, but it is always ineffable), maybe I am missing pieces of myself (though I doubt it), maybe this is just a phase. I think it will just feel right, or maybe this will be what forever will look like. My mom told me my dad said I was going to die old and alone in a hole (thanks dad, he also just picked up the phone and said he was really proud of me. so complex, my folks, I think they are just concerned). Who knows? Some people say good things are worth waiting for, some people say you can't find something like love when you are looking for it, well I am willing to bet that most of those people are in relationships. And I am sure I have said that before when I was in a relationship, but the truth is that you don't know. You don't know if I am ever going to find "it", whether I am looking or not. Some days I am really happy, some days I am really lonely, and sometimes I am both in the same day. Part of the human condition. Part of the human experience.

For whatever reason, I keep moving away from everyone.

I want to stay here for a while now...


Until next time, expect great things.